Greetings!! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, back again to praise those players who went above and beyond in pleasing their fantasy owners. It’s also a place where I purge my detestation of the players who either blew plush match-ups or were just outright dreadful. And there’s something that’s been vexing me as of late. Something more troubling than Nicolas Cage’s career choices, something more perplexing than Jim Carrey and Mike Myers’s epic fall offs, something even more disturbing than my and Sky’s combined porn collections. That something, you ask? Colin Kaepernick. After the Niners made the Super Bowl in Kaepernick’s first year on the job, I envisioned greatness; a taller, stronger Michael Vick. Instead, we’re getting a Joe Webb clone (no offense to Joe Webb. I love that guy. But still…). Except Webb would more than likely have at least ONE rushing TD on the season. Seriously, I haven’t seen a regression like this since Steven Segal after he dropped the classic Under Siege on us, following it with a bunch of DVD’s that I now use as beer coasters. [Jay’s Note: You shut your mouth about Glimmer Man. That movie is a classic.]
The Niners have been a bit banged up on the offensive line, but no more than any other teams in the NFL, so I’m not allowing that as an excuse. The front office has brought in a multitude of new weapons including Stevie Johnson, Carlos Hyde, and Bruce Ellington. I won’t even mention the name of the bum tight end they drafted in the 2nd round last year, but still another offensive weapon nonetheless. When you add Crabtree, Boldin, and Vernon Davis to the mix, we should be talking about one of the, if not the best arsenals in all of football. Instead, Kaepernick has put up the worst QBR of his career and the offense simply isn’t functioning. Over the past two seasons, San Fran has one of the most pathetic red zone offenses I’ve ever witnessed. Much of this has to do with the gross play calling of offensive coordinator Greg Roman. Either Roman needs to go, or Kaepernick needs to go, for this is getting out of hand. I thought Kaepernick was selected by the Elder Gods to take over the NFL. I used to believe he was superior to Russell Wilson. Now I wouldn’t take him over Tyler Wilson.
This is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Players Who Disgraced
Ryan Tannehill – Tanny ruined my life, not once, but twice, against Buffalo last Thursday. The first time was on that bomb to Wallace that he hurled out of bounds. The second time was when he missed Wallace on a WIDE open slant route near the end of the game. ANY starting high school QB in America can make that throw and Tannehill missed him by 10 effing yards. Dude looks great when it comes to the dinking and dunking, and also has a smoking hot wife, but he’s lost a supporter in Tehol Beddict. I simply can’t condone the fact he CANNOT throw a deep ball. It’s disgusting really.
Jerrick McKinnon – I’m not asking for a whole lot here… 300 plus all purpose yards and multiple 60 plus yard TDS? AM I BEING UNREASONABLE!?!?!? Christian Slater has a better chance of getting the lead in an upcoming Scorsese film than McKinnon does of receiving a carry inside the opposition’s 10-yard line, and I’m finally cutting bait. Extremely disappointing.
Eli Manning – At a loss for words on how disgraceful Manning has played the past two seasons. The carelessness with which he plays with is like nothing I’ve ever witnessed. Why the Elder Gods chose to grant this peon two Super Bowl titles is beyond me. The Giants absolutely should have beaten the 49ers on Sunday, but Eli threw FIVE PICKS!!! FIVE!!! Talk about holding your team back! That’s like a porn star not being able to rise to the occasion for 5 hours no matter how many blue pills and oysters he guzzled down, ruining the entire shoot. He’d never work again in the business, so why should Eli?
Andre Ellington – Bruce Arians is really gonna call out AE? Is he watching the same game film I am??? There is clearly nowhere to run, as the Cardinals have the worst interior run blockers in the NFL right now. How last year’s top-10 pick, Jonathan Cooper, hasn’t beaten one of these two bums out is the most disgraceful thing I’ve read about since the Benghazi scandal. Ellington is playing hurt and remains the focal point of the offense. Remove him, and they’d be hard pressed to win another game on their schedule. I’m not joking. Maybe Arians should start Stepfan Taylor going forward and see where he takes them. He should be ashamed for calling out a soldier like Ellington. The Elders will no doubt frown upon that.
Ben Tate – Gargantuan signing by the Vikings this week… Really though, I need an explanation on why Minnesota felt the need to claim this fraud. The only “skill” Tate has rated near or at the top of the league in this year is ineptitude. I was on my knees praying for the Colts to swoop him, pairing him with Trent Richardson and giving them the most pathetic duo in NFL history.
LaGarrette Blount – Blount was Bell’s best friend on the team, yet he left the field early during Bell’s career day. That’s the kind of friend I want…Actually, that sounds exactly like my friends. That’s why I’ve been in the market for new ones. I’m starting a website like Tinder, only it helps you find supportive friends. Investors? Possibly you!!
Matt Stafford – That’s right folks, I refuse to call him Matthew. I’m not sure why, but it annoys the f*ck out me when hearing announcers insisting upon referring to him as “Matthew”. It’s like when Trent Dilfer made us all call Matt Hasselbeck “Matthew Hasselbeck”. There aren’t many things I’ve ever despised throughout this world’s incredible history than the days when Trent Dilfer was all over ESPN and constantly saying “Matthew Hasselbeck”. Aids and underprivileged children come to mind, but Dilfer’s incessant need to make sure we know that Hasselbeck preferred to be called Matthew is right up there. Anyway, Stafford was barbarically awful in Arizona on Sunday. Calvin had a few drops, which is obviously a bit uncharacteristic, but Staffy made his share of pathetic throws. Those of us who needed him to step to the plate were more let down than viewers who witnessed Channing Tatum murked within the first five minutes of the G.I. Joe sequel… I meeeeeeean, dude was all up in the previews like he was starring in the film. Not only is that unacceptable, it’s fraudulent. DISGRACE!
Robert Griffin – He’s done. It’s official, I’ve lost all faith in Griffin. I know he’s missed quite a bit of time with this latest injury, but when I hear his coach say that his footwork is nowhere CLOSE to where it needs to be, even though he had the entire offseason with the squad, I’m concerned. [Jay’s Note: To be fair, Jay Gruden is a pretty sh*ty coach.] He continues to make idiotic and strange comments in post-game interviews, ensuring that absolutely NOBODY on his team can even pretend to like him. I mean, Bill Cosby has a brighter future than this dude. IT’S OVER!
Non NFL Disgrace
Dumb and Dumber To: The original is one of the genius scene-to-scene comedies ever made. The sequel I patiently waited 20 years for? Not so much. The Farrelly brothers have clearly lost their magic, as there are at least five painfully unfunny scenes. You know, those scenes that are so horrid that it makes you uncomfortable to watch? Embarrassed to watch, even? I never understood why it was so challenging to make solid comedic sequels, but Dumb and Dumber To is another perfect example of why they shouldn’t even be attempted.
P.S. Jim Carrey is one step away from being officially done, if he’s not already. This guy was a legend. WHAT HAPPENED!?!?
Players Who Delighted
Jonas Gray – Did ya’ll see the pythons on Jonas? Good Gods, this man looks like he could snap the d*ck of blue whale with his bare hands, spear a rhino with it, cook them both over a Texas A&M style bonfire that he built himself in three hours, share the rhino and whale schlong with a pack of 15 Amazonians, then thoroughly satisfy each and every one of them, turning them into leg shaving, Pomeranian owning valley girls over night. Witness!
Alfred Blue – I’m not gonna do, what everyone thinks I’m gonna do and drop a “You’re my boy, blue!!!” quote. As I said on Razzball Radio a couple shows back, Blue would be putting up rather large numbers if given the number one role this past week with Foster out. And for once, I look intelligent. Foster is back at practice, so you may have to wait another week or two, you know, until Foster goes down again, so that you may start Blue once again.
Jay Cutler – It was really nice to see Jay rebound with a solid effort… especially after myself and half the world benched him. Seriously, how infuriating is it when all week you read about how on point the Vikings secondary is, and then they get torn apart like a weasel who unwittingly strolled into the path of a pack of rabid coyotes? Seriously though, Cutler looked like a Hall of Famer against these bums. WHYYYYYYYYYYY ME????
Thanks for joining me for another hopefully fascinating edition of Disgrace/Delight. As per usual, your questions and comments will be responded to below in a most timely fashion as I appreciate all your feedback. Want more Beddict? Follow me on Twitter at @Tehol143. Also feel free to check in with me on Saturdays on my Betting With Beddict column, where we go over all the spreads for the week. This week’s TNF pick is Kansas City (-7.5). I will personally be buying half a point, but that’s your call. Have an incredible weekend and good luck to you all on making the playoffs. I believe in you.