Beddict: Sons of Razzball, I am Tehol Beddict.
Razzball Reader: But Tehol Beddict is seven feet tall!
Beddict: Yes, I’ve heard. He has an ass like Hercules, kills men and women in fantasy football by the hundreds, and if he were here, he’d consume our opponents with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. I AM TEHOL BEDDICT. And I see a whole army of my readers, here in defiance of coming out a loser this week. You have come to play with these Elder God blessed athletes, and ye are blessed in the same fashion. What will you do with your chosen soldiers? Will you fight?
VETERAN Razzballer: Fight? Against that? No, we will run, and we will start preparing for our fantasy baseball dynasty leagues.
Beddict: Aye, fight and you may lose in embarrassing fashion. Run and you’ll at least have made it the finals and kept some minimal amount self respect– at least for a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell your opponents that they may have boned your wife/husband before you married them, but they’ll never take your FANTASY TITLE?!
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!
Players Who Delighted
Dez Bryant – Dezzie make a straight girl out a lezzie just treated Bradley Fletcher to an evening he won’t soon forget. [Jay’s Note: I have no idea what that previous sentence is or what it does, so I’ll just leave it alone…] Kind of reminds of the time Ralph Lipshitz treated me to that terrifying 48 hours in his basement.
Jeremy Hill – Hue Jackson had a serious half-a-chub for Hill all week, yet I didn’t know whether or not to believe him with all the filthy lies I’ve been told by NFL coaches this year. Looks like Hue is a man of his word, and he’s at long last earned the respect of Beddict which I’m sure made his year.
Odell Beckham Jr. – Is Buffalo regretting trading an extra first round pick for Watkins? OBJ kills it more consistently than Morgan Freeman, and that my friends, is some legendary sh*t, because Freeman may be the most underrated actor of all time, I kid you not.
Players Who Disgraced
Matt Stafford – Manhood is not inherited, it’s earned, and Matt Stafford is a terrible quarterback… oh, that didn’t make sense? Just let it sink in before you attempt to process it a second time. Still doesn’t make sense? By the Gods, I hate this man. Stafford is Jay Cutler with a superior defense, and I’m done making excuses for this side arm slinging side show. He’s the Ethan Hawke of the NFL; he started with a spark, but now he’s just garbage.
Jordy Nelson – Kill Whitey!!! An acid tripping Bea Arthur could have caught that wide open bomb from Aaron Rodgers. Speaking of Bea, I cant be the only one who cherished watching Golden Girls re-runs when they were home sick from grade school, am I? Someone tell me Estelle Geddy wasn’t hilarious and ye might catch a two-piece McNugget to the grill. Don’t you dare front on Granny. Anyway, that dropped ball cost thousands of men and women a chance at fantasy glory, and that’s an unforgivable offense where I come from.
A.J. Green – Thanks for the semi-finals blow job, bruh. I lost in the Razzball writers league playoff due to the fact that Julio Jones sat out like I figured he would, about half way through that Packers game. To top it all off, A.J. Green dropped a dud, mostly because Cincy didn’t need to throw the ball with the aforementioned Jeremy Hill getting all up in the Brown’s Guts like a 10-inch. An epic failure that ended my season. SMFH.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. As per usual, it’s been an absolute honor serving you this year and every year for that matter. I know many of you who have lost in the playoffs/not made the playoffs have tuned out but just think of the solider that are still on the front lines and then think about the fact that you can help me, help them. For those of you who are left, it’s your time and I want to be here when you accomplish the impossible. Glory be to the Elder Gods.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Tehol143.