Beer bonging a gallon of chew spit while watching your pregnant mother get a$$ blasted by Ron Jeremy> Owning Larry Fitzgerald in fantasy football in 2014.
Greetings, and welcome to another excruciatingly sexy edition of, Disgrace/Delight! I am your honored master of ceremonies, the Tehol Beddict, and I come to you bearing gifts. Where in the name of the Elder Gods are these gifts, you ask? The presents I offer you, distinguished ladies and gents, is the verbiage I’ve spewed out for you below in the form of written communication. Take it all in (swallow, don’t spit) and leave your thoughts and questions when you’re finished reading, as each and every one of you deserve special attention (ladies and Sky especially ).
You know what the deal is here and you definitely know what the real is. This is: DISGRACE/DELIGHT!!! TAKE HEED!
Players Who Delighted Me
Chris Ivory – I expected Ivory to possibly pick up a couple short yardage TDs against Oakland, but a 70-yarder? Not even, I, Beddict, his biggest supporter, could have predicted such a shocking moment. Being that I plugged him in for Andre Ellington, I couldn’t have been happier. 10 carries simply isn’t enough work for this man-beast. If the Jets want to win 8 or more games, they will need to feed both Ivory and Chris Johnson. Expect 8-10 TDs for Ivory this season.
Percy Harvin – Well, that escalated quickly. If you witnessed the Hawks pulverizing the Packers of Green Bay into submission last Thursday, then you’d know that Percy is being featured in the offense this season and had 4 carries and 7 receptions. Do you get kick return yardage in your league? Double bonus! Yea baby, yea! I’m assuming he gets a touchdown this week to satisfy your hunger. Witness!
Marshawn Lynch – I know this guy whose girlfriend, now wife, got the dickens from Beastmode. Not only did he wife it up, but he wore Lynch’s jersey to a football game. If that’s not the most pathetic thing I’ve ever witnessed, then I don’t know what it is. When Beastmode goes digging for oil, he leaves a cavern so vast and barren that no other living organism can survive there. Speaking of Beastmode, the doubters are feeling mighty ignorant right now, as he looked better than ever. 20 carries for 110 yards and 2 TDs? Yea, sounds about right. Expect more punishment given out to the Chargers this week, though I’d assume more like 90 yards and 1 TD. Again, and this is extremely important, don’t ever, ever ever ever ever leave your chick around Beastmode. Don’t think you’d ever get over it, cuz you wouldn’t! YIKES.
Matt Ryan – Matty Ice done did what many of us expected of him this season. With Julio Jones back at full strength, Roddy white fully recovered from whatever it was that was hampering him last season and with Harry Douglas in the slot, the Falcons are loaded up like never before. With a lack of a running game, this offense should be gunning each and every week.
Antonio Brown – This play and the accompanying Lui Kang sound effects are more than enough to earn a spot in the delight section. What an absolute legend! The Elder Gods have blessed Brown in giving him the most spectacular jump kick ability since my idol, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Not only did Brown accomplish this incredible feat, but he embarrassed Joe Haden in the first half, completely torching him for 5 receptions, 115 yards and a tub. Haden tried to run his mouth and say he was best corner in the league last season… since that moment, he’s been ran through more times than Elizabeth Berkley. Going in the 3rd round of most fantasy drafts, Brown is the definition of a steal. Monster season on the horizon.
Knowshon Moreno – Maaaaan, Know knows, know what I’m sayin? Peace, Lamar Miller. Thanks for playing, bud. Miller somehow manages to lose the starting tailback each and every single season. Why? He just doesn’t seem to have the intangibles. I don’t even know that he’s a great change of pace back, quite honestly, but we shall see. Moreno is the Dolphins back you want to own.
Jake Locker – My preseason sleeper for breakout fantasy QB of they year… and just wait till he starts running. They didn’t call him the “White Michael Vick” in college because he was into dogfighting. Expect a beastly outing against the peonic defense of the Dallas Cowboys. This could be one for ages.
Kelvin Benjamin – Steal of the draft? Carolina has no other wide receivers worth getting the ball to and Benji is an absolute hog in the redzone as I’m sure you noticed on Sunday. He should battle Cooks for rookie of the year, and that, my friends, is the most exciting news I’ve read about since the naked pics of Justin Verlander and Kate Upton came out.
Isaiah Crowell – Not one, but TWO touchdowns from this former high school legend? The Browns have themselves a steal here, folks! It’s just like when those Hollywood studios get a child actor under contract, pay them a fraction of their worth for 5 years, and than dump them in a trash heap when they’re through with em. Let’s pray to the Elders it don’t end up like that for Crowell, ya’ll. Yes, Terrance West, who underwhelmed in the preseason, had a fab game as well, but I believe Crowell is the more talented of the two and if Tate misses any time going forward, IC will take more of his carries. [Update: Ben Tate is out 2-4 weeks, so you know what to do.] You don’t need to swoop him up just yet, but keep an eye on tha kid, ok? 32 yards with 2 TDs on 6 carries is nothing to blow your nose at, or whatever that saying goes. You know that old children’s tale from the sea.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I am simply placing TMNT in the delight section, because it wasn’t terrible enough to be considered a disgrace. It’s extremely difficult to envision a way where my turtles would still have mass appeal, however, I do believe it’s possible. All it would take is some superior writing and….wait…hold on…..what’s this? ……..TMNT has grossed over $300 milly, worldwide???? Yaaaassss, Michael Bay, Yaaaaaasss. TMNT 1 and 2 forever changed my life, so if this film can do something similar for any little Beddicts out there, then I’m all for it. I wasn’t feeling Splinter in this film, whatsoever. Ughhhh, that voice tho. And no word on wether Keno is going to make an appearance or not. Hold on….Wait a minute…There’s a sequel coming in 2016!? Heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER!
Diablo 3: Reaper of Souls – Diablo 3 reminds me of Golden Axe for the Sega Genesis… only pumped with more steroids than Lyle Alzado. I literally could not stop playing this game until I had beaten the entire thing. Hours were flying by as I was dead to the rest of the World. If you noticed me absent on Twitter for like three days last week, that’s why. I’m ashamed yet I have no regrets. Try it out, if you dare. …..your wife may leave you when you refuse to put down the sticks, but hey, that may be a good thing. Am I right, or am I right? [Jay’s Note: You should move up a bit and try out Dota 2…]
Who Disgraced Themselves
Larry Fitzgerald – Fitz gets paid $15 mill per to do nothing, and I can paid zero to drop these gems on you every week. What’s wrong with this picture? Moving forward. I despise myself for turning on a Cardinals preseason game and witnessing Larry legend take the opposition deep, showing the kind of wheels I hadn’t witnessed from him in seemingly a decade. Though I only drafted him in one league, it still hurts worse than the time my baby-sitter smacked my D with a spatula, as I wouldn’t stop flashing her. I totally smashed it eight years later tho, so it’s all good. Carissa, call me if you’re reading this. The fact that Fitz seemed to be Arizona’s fifth option on offense is a tad concerning, but I still say he has a solid season, as he seems to be moving pretty well and I can definitely envision some 2 TD games for him on the horizon. If you don’t believe Larry still has it, just ask his Daddy.
Tom Brady – Was that Tom Brady on the field on Sunday, or a meth’d out Tom Sizemore? I missed many of the games, as I was flying home from the wedding of one of the few women I’ve ever met that I never slept with, so I was unable to view the Dolphins massacre the Pats in the second half. Yes, my respect for the aforementioned freshly married woman runs balls deep, but my respect for Brady after witnessing THIS, shall never return. Maybe New England is due to miss the playoffs. Who knows, maybe I’ll start banging white chicks again (doubtful), but I’m going to go out on a limb and say both are highly improbable. Brady’s pathetic 29/56 passing day will soon be forgotten as Gronk continues to get healthier and that stable of talented receivers get their shizzzz togetha. Tom will drop bombs in Minnesota this week. Believe dat.
Trent Richardson – What I wouldn’t give to no longer cry a seemingly endless supply of tears after witnessing T-Rich run the ball. Curse the Elder Gods, for they have spoken to me in my dreams, and this is what they said: Trent Richardson is a piece of Rhinoceros dung and doesn’t belong on an NFL roster let alone a fantasy one. There you have it, my friends. It has been written.
Jamal Charles – It’s highly probable that Andy Reid should no longer be coaching NFL football and that we are witnessing what is the beginning of a 3-13 season, in which he is unceremoniously dropped like a sack of rocks. Jamal Charles had 7 carries. I repeat, SEVEN CARRIES! Like, IN THE WHOLE GAME! Andy must have been up late wacking off to the food network when he should have been devising ways in which to get JC the rock. Charles was many a fantasy analyst’s number 1 back going into this season (NOT MINE), and this is mos def not the way they hoped things would turn out. Maybe they’ll now understand the way I feel about Bryce Harper and dare I say… Domonic Brown.
Sammy Watkins – Buffalo traded away next year’s first rounder to move up a few spots to take a receiver they targeted a minuscule four times in the opener? That’s like having sex with Lisa Kudrow immediately, instead of taking the opportunity to blow Jennifer Aniston’s back out a year from now. Not acceptable, whatsoever. I love Watkins, but by no means did I view him as a Julio Jones or A.J. Green, so Buffalo better hope they win at least 8 games, or this trade will look horrific. I still feel good about my preseason predictions for him tho, which were 800 yards max and 6 TDs.
Tony Romo – Romo appeared more flummoxed than did Sky after he opened the Razzball van only to witness Capozzi and I Chinese finger trapping that hottie from our live draft. I’m concerned; both for Romo and Sky.
Josh McCown – I’m extremely disappointed in the way McCown performed on Sunday. I feel like my son just struck out with the bases loaded with a chance to win the little league world series with a base hit, then sh*t his pants. Yes, the Bucs’ new free agent pickup had 2 touchdown passes, but they both came late in the 4th quarter and he threw 2 pick ta boot. I stills say McCown has a solid season fantasy wise, but this isn’t the start I foresaw when sacrificing a goat to the Elders in his name a couple months back.
Ben Tate – Sorry, Benjamin, just because you were injured (shocker), that doesn’t mean you’re safe from the disgrace list. Both, Terrance West and my personal favorite, Isaiah Crowell, looked great against Pittsburgh soooooooo, enjoy owning Tate this season, guys.
Derek Anderson – Make sure you pick up D.A. in all formats immediately… just kidding.
Betting with Beddict
This little segment is being added this year due to the constant requests of numerous gambling junkies and who am I to say no? I’m Tehol Beddict, and I can say whatever I want to say… but I actually like the idea, since I’ve been deep in the betting game at numerous parts of my life when my strip-o-grams weren’t covering all the expenses for my lavish lifestyle. We will be tallying up wins and losses and keeping a year long count as the season goes forward. This season I’m officially 2-0, as I told people, live on the radio and on twitter, to bet the Seahawks at -5, as well as the over of 46 in the same game. I suppose it wasn’t it print….BUT I’M COUNTING IT. Teams in Bold print will be who I’m taking. Take heed!
Pittsburgh(+2.5) @ Baltimore- Tehol, Baltimore can’t start the season off 2-0, can they? This is a must win and they’re at home. They can and they will. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow.
Detroit(+2.5) @ Carolina – This is a Greg Oden wang sized test for the Lions. Beddict says they pass.
Miami(-1) @ Buffalo – Buffalo gets new owner but gets same disgraceful results……that’s three road teams in a row….hmmmmm.
Jacksonville @ Washington(-6) – This is difficult decision, but I simply don’t see the talent on Jacksonville and the Washington Football Team are desperate for a win. If they are unable to snatch a nice home victory over J’ville, then they’re not winning more than 5 games this season. Tomahawk chop.
Dallas at Tennessee( -3.5) – Remember the Titans, ya’ll! I’d be tempted to buy this to 3 to ensure victory but sometimes in life you have to take risks…..Except for when it comes to raw dogging a prostitute. Don’t do that.
New England(-3) @ Minnesota- Yes, I realize Minnesota just put the hammer of Thor into the rectums of the Rams, but New England doesn’t lose back-to-back games to start the season… tho my heart want Minnesota. I won’t be touching this one.
New Orleans(-6.5) @ Cleveland – The supposed super tandem of Joe Haden and Justin Gilbert were burned more frequently than a Vietnamese hooker this past Sunday, and that’s concerning in more ways than one.
Atlanta @ Cincinnati(-5.5) – This is the year Cincy finally achieves greatness. By that, I mean they make the 2nd round of the playoffs. They will shut down the powerful Falcons offense in similar fashion to myself having to continuously Heisman Capozzi, as he insisted upon sleeping in my King size waterbed with me.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay(-6)- This is the season from hell for the Rams, and the Bucs need this game in a major way. Being that they’ve improved their team in every area on the depth chart, I say they have enough to smash St. Louey.
Seattle(-6) @ San Diego. Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? Lock of the week. I take that back; LOCK OF THE CENTURY! Have you witnessed the Seahawks play football? There’s simply no squad that can compete with them. Bet the house. [Jay’s Note: Upset of the week. Take the points.]
Houston @ Oakland(+3)- I don’t yet believe in Houston and Oakland should be able to get something going against that pathetic defensive backfield. Stay away on this one.
Kansas City @ Denver(-13.5)– Be prepared to witness a walrus grab his ankles. Coo coo ca choo.
Philadelphia(+3) @ Indianapolis- Indy certainly isn’t lacking offensive weaponry (I’m not talking to you, Trent Richardson), but their defense should be atrocious. Should lose another shootout.
Thank you for joining me as tis always thee greatest of all pleasures having you along for this journey some call life. I call fantasy football, life, but that’s just me. As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to quickly as your input, positive or negative, is greatly appreciated. Their will be reader submissions into next week’s disgrace column, so leave me your best here or tweet it to me for the top user submitted #Disgrace post of the year will receive a razzball shirt, autographed by yours truly. If you’re not following me on Twitter, I’d suggest doing so now at @Tehol143 .