Right out the gate, please allow me to apologize for the Jerome Simpson hype. I’d heard nothing but great things out of the Vikings camp from my inside sources and he looked fantastic in his first contest back from suspension. I obviously had no clue the man had spina bifida. Trust me, it hurts me much more than it hurts you. Simpson was my boy. My diamond in the rough. My new “Sir” Miles Austin. We were kindred spirits, shared the hobbies of sexting, big game hunting, blazing b-legits, making it rain at strip clubs, gambling on cock fights, and we were both pretty damn good at what we do. I’m honestly crushed and I weep for his many children as this could end up being a career threatening injury. Simpson will more than likely end up on ESPN’s 30 for 30 “Broke 2.” Go to your nearest mini-mart and purchase an Old English 40, drink away your sorrows if you started him last week or thought like I did, that he was a breakout player, but please remember to pour out a little of that tasty malt liquor for the man I once cherished, as his season is likely finished. I can’t help but wonder if this injury was induced by Simpson’s sexual acrobatics. The man was known to go to the extreme in the bedroom and this time he may have taken it too far. I know this scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall was one of his favorites and he may have tried to take it there. Even Simpson isn’t that gifted. He should have just purchased the “the liberator wedge.” There is a recent report saying Simpson will be playing this week but I’m scared. You can hold on to him, but I dropped him. On that note, let’s move on to some men who have the ability to serve a purpose in our lives from this point on. Goodnight sweet Prince. Goodbye Jerome.
Chris Johnson– 15 carries for 24 yards and 1 reception for 5 yards on 1 target. The odds of CJ ending up as a top 15 running back this season, seem to be even with the chances of Stephen Baldwin getting cast as the leading man in the next Martin Scorsese blockbuster. The Titans playcalling is an embarrassment to the game, and it’s absolutely baffling that Johnson could end up with only ONE target in the passing game. Maybe Munchak, who’s only saving grace is having a semi-hot daughter, should take a look around the league and see how Ray Rice or LeSean McCoy is used. Shoot, almost every starting back in the league is getting more targets than Johnson. Wouldn’t you think, that just maybe, getting the ball in space to one of the most explosive players in football could possibly be a good thing for your offense? No screens set up? Do they ever put him in the slot with a linebacker on him? What a crazy idea that is. At least attempt to get this guy the ball. So far this season, the Titans playcalling is more revolting than a shirtless Officer Rick Ross. Every week, I wonder the same thing: Why are they not throwing CJ the ball? Hey Munchak, call me so we can discuss your ineptitude, and while you’re at it send me some pics of your daughter in the shower.
This former fantasy legend has yet to score a touchdown this season. What are the odds it happens this week against a rabid Pittsburgh defense? Not good my friends. Not good at all. Sit unless desperate.
Demaryius Thomas– 9 receptions for 188 yards on 11 targets. This man should have covered the ESPN “Bodies” issue with the title “Black Beauty” written underneath. What a gorgeous human being. The pecs! The glutes! OMG, it’s ridic! Thomas would be the perfect shower mate for my boy “Toothpick.” All jokes or truths…..aside, Thomas has become a top 10 fantasy wideout as I expected he would. The man is built like a greek god, has Ben Johnson steroid speed, and has hands softer than John Candy’s ass(RIP). Now, if only he could stop putting the ball on the ground every time he breaks a long catch and run off. Those negative points are rather annoying. Or maybe he could get in the end zone a little more often. It’s strange to me, how Manning never throws him the ball in the red zone. Thomas better be getting quadruple teamed down there if he’s going to continue to not be targeted. That’s like having Leo DiCaprio in a film and only giving him one line. “I’m the King of the World!” That famous line is how Thomas is going to be feeling when he get’s a few more tubs to his credit. If he ends up getting injured again he may feel more like this Wayans brother. Top five potential is here.Rejoice if you selected Thomas in your draft.
DeAngelo Williams– 6 carries for 6 yards and 0 receptions for 0 yards on 2 targets. Did I miss something or did Carolina not give this guy a 43 million dollar contract with 21 milly in guarantees before last season? I’m sure Williams doesn’t mind that he’s about as irrelevant as Chazz Palminteri. You know, since he’s filthy rich and all, but this Panthers running attack is getting out of hand. You can’t possibly be starting any 3 of their running backs, that is, if you expect to win. As with the aforementioned Chris Johnson, one might think that getting these Panther running backs involved in the pass game could be a good move, especially when having a bunch of useless wideouts, other than Steve Smith of course. I mean really, is it that complicated coach Rivera? Speaking of Rivera, what a joke of a hire that was. The guy is a defensive coach with the personality of a piece of dog excrement.
Do I think DeAngelo would flourish as a starter somewhere else? Absolutely. Do I think you should be starting him now? Absolutely not. Unless desperate of course or if you’re in a 16 teamer.
Jeremy Kerley– 5 receptions for 94 yards on 9 targets. This is the upside to be the only wideout on the roster with a smidge of talent. Stephen Hill seems like a year away and is dinged up anyway. Chaz Schilens, frankly doesn’t belong in the NFL anymore. Maybe go out and sign Dwayne Jarrett and pair him with Patrick Turner, then pick up the guy who dropped the barbell on his neck at running back and go all USC Trojans at the skill spots. I’m being serious. How could it not be an upgrade? Alas, none of this will happen, because Mark Sanchez will be losing his job after the Colts beat the Jets this week. IT’S TEBOW TIME! Want to see something awkward? Yes, OK here you go. An owner being asked if his backup QB is still a virgin? I like the question and feel like we have a right to know! I fantasize about Tebow tapping video-ho booty every night. God, please let there be a sex tape.
Anyway, if you’re short handed at wideout, go ahead and start this little guy against Indy this week, as he should produce comparable numbers to last week with the possibility of a touchdown added in.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis– 9 carries for 14 yards and 1 reception for 2 yards on 2 targets. If you owned  law firm the past few weeks I’m guessing you took some “Gunplay” type beatdowns. If there is one thing you should know about your Uncle Tehol Beddict, it’s that I absolutely, positively love rap beef! There is something about emasculating another man on a record or in an interview that gets me juiced. I felt like a proud father watching this beasts beat down the horrible, annoying rapper that is known as Gunplay.
Back to Law-firm. On a positive note, Bernard Scott tore something and is done for the season, so it looks as if Ellis is back as the unquestioned bell cow. I suppose that’s not a positive thing for Bernard Scott or Scott owners but let’s try not to look at it from their perspectives. It’s just depressing. Feel free to start BGE once again.
Devery Henderson– 8 receptions for 123 yards and a TD on 10 targets. OK, so last week I wrote about Lance Moore, and you can pretty much take everything I said about him and put it here. Any starting wideout on the Saints is worth at least a flex play. I have no idea how opposing defenses continue to let Henderson run deep post routes as that’s obviously all he is capable of doing. I have to give it to the Saints though. At least they don’t try and make Henderson do something he shouldn’t, like Will Ferrell and Jim Carrey doing dramas instead of comedies. How many flops do we have to endure guys? JUST BE FUNNY!
Jammer was getting toasted all night. It’s like, hey dude, don’t you realize Henderson hasn’t run anything but a deep post or a fade route in the last 50 years? Are you really biting on the double move? Yes he did and Devery got loose as a goose. We shall see if Moore is back after the bye week, but if not Henderson is a must add.
Brandon Lloyd– 3 receptions for 34 yards on 5 targets. Wes Welker is back in a major way and Lloyd and Gronk are suffering for it. Brady seems to be trying to single handidly get his bff resigned, and by the looks of it, will succeed. May I be frank with you? Thanks. Frankly, the Patriots just have too many weapons for Lloyd to have a monster game every week, but I’m quite sure he won’t have many more piss poor performances. Josh McDaniels is probably massaging Lloyd’s hamstrings with warm milk as we speak. Don’t be scurred. Leave him in your lineups.
Andrew Hawkins– 5 catches for 47 yards on 13 targets. That’s right! THIRTEEN targets. Hawkins has shown elite playmaking ability but I was worried he would have only a part time role with the offense. He now seems to have surpassed Armon Binns as the second option for the Red Rocket. More importantly, Hawkins has finally done enough to receive a mention from me in Hard Targets. His mother and Baby momma must be so proud! Just be happy he’s on the Bengals and not the Chiefs, who own more explosive weapons than the middle east, yet none can be used because Cassel is a disgrace to the position. I know that this blurb is supposed to be about Hawkins, and he’s worked hard to make it in this piece, but I just have to get a shot in on Romeo Crennel.
O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
This job is above your head, nobody wants you around.
Even in Cleveland they despised you, especially the dawg pound.
You’re built like a blimp, and you smell like corned beef.
On Christmas Eve, I heard Santa Clause pissed on your wreath.
Ok, Ok, I’ll stop. That’s just a taste of the poetry I, Tehol Beddict, will provide from here on out. I like Hawkins as flex spot starter, but be prepared for low low’s and high highs, sort of like Pierre Garcon.
Josh Gordon– 2 receptions for 82 yards and 2 TDs on 8 targets. I was extremely high on Gordon before the start of the season. Gordon is not a drug. He’s a person, and a very talented person at that. For some reason(couldn’t figure out the plays) Gordon is just now seeing major time on the field and it looks like it could pay off for Cleveland to the fullest. Are they going to start winning games? Let’s not go that far guys. Come one now. But the man has deep speed and is abnormally talented, immediately making him the number one guy for the Browns. Greg Little anyone? Maybe Cleveland should have taken Julio Jones? WHOOPS! I love horrible teams that have nothing anything close to resembling elite talent trading down in the draft and being praised for it. When’s the last time you saw a team win a super bowl without stars? That’s a topic for another day. Let’s move on to the last player.
Chris Givens– 1 reception for 51 yards and a touchdown on 5 targets. With Amendola out, Givens should see more balls than Ricki Lake in the nineties. Remember her in Serial Mom? Priceless flick. The star of that film, Kathleen Turner sure turned into a monster didn’t she? Thank me later for that link. Anyway, I’m way over my word limit, so pick up Givens if you’re feeling froggy.
See you back here next week. Same time, same place. Beddict, out.
