First and foremost I’d like to say Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers. I hope the folks that don’t read my articles, even when I spam their facebook and emails with them, had something horrific happen to them. Like say, maybe trying to deep fry a turkey for the first time, and burning down their home or getting beaten by their wife, or you know, something of that nature. I’m just a natural born hater. My turkey day was quite eventful as I locked the doors, turned off the lights, gambled on football all day then played Halo 4, screaming at teenage boys through my mic till 3 in the morning. Yea, that’s how Tehol gets down kids.
It’s playoff time so it’s of the utmost importance you follow everything written on razzball these next few weeks. Throw some dark meat and stuffing in the microwave, grab yourself a pumpkin spiced latte, and listen very carefully to what it is I have to say. Or read very carefully. Whatever.
Dez Bryant– 8 recpetions for 145 yards with 2 touchdowns on 11 targets. This included an 85 yard catch and run as Dez has taken some time off from beating his Moms, and finally started playing like the savage monster that I’ve always believed he should be. As the man I once knighted “Sir Miles” Austin has become a fantasy peasant, begging for touches like Lohan on her knees trying to get movie roles, Bryant continues to play balls to the wall on every single down. Seriously, this man never gives up, even when the game is over, and that’s the brand of man-beast I want on my fantasy team. Not some quitter like Santonio Holmes or Chad “Cry Me a River” Ochocinco. I know of a person who just traded Bryant to an undefeated team in one of my fantasy leagues. Why? I have no idea. What I can tell you is this same degenerate has been running Phillip “Noodle Arm” Rivers out there on a weekly basis and has lost all my respect. You know who you are, and if you’re reading this, slowly place your testicles on one of your dresser drawers. Now, slam the drawer closed as hard as you can. Now I know why Tigers eat their young.
Desean Jackson– 1 reception for 9 yards and a season ending chest injury on one target. Well, that was a nice ending to pathetic season from this fragile little philly. Was I the only one that didn’t get the memo that Jackson A) wasn’t going to be returning punts anymore and B) Sucks? Watching this Philadelphia Eagles team has been like being in the men’s locker room at L.A. Fitness. You know when the old dudes seem like they are having a competition to see who can stay in the most awkward naked position for the longest time? Or when you see on blow-drying his balls in the hand-dryer. So yea, it’s been extremely uncomfortable for me watching the Eagles this season. Words can’t begin to describe how badly I feel for Vick. Not because I feel he was unjustly punished for murdering and raping numerous dogs. Not because he contracted the herp and numerous other STD’s from sleeping with thousands of ratchet tricks and not because his younger brother is an absolute moron. It’s because the Eagles offensive line play these past two season is the most embarrassing thing I’ve been apart of since my Mom walked in on me, while my chinese crested dog was feverishly licking the JIF peanut butter off my lower region. Hey, you got to try it once right? Right? I promised some of my readers a true bashing of Jackson this week and instead spoke mainly about balls. Not sure what happened. Well, Jackson sucked balls this season so I guess it all came together. Or not. Moving on……..
Mario Manningham– 5 receptions for 69 yards on 5 targets. 4 words for you: Colin Kaepernick is God. For anyone out there who believes in their hearts that Alex Smith gives the niners a greater chance of victory, I say to you only this: You are an idiot. Alex Smith’s own mother knows Kappy is twice the man her son is. Sh!!!!!!!!!!t, even his wife knows it. I hope we can all stop pretending there is any comparison between the two. Kaepernick makes this team the super bowl favorite in my alluring green eyes. Oh wait, this post is supposed to be about “Super Mario.” My bad. I believe Manningham will begin to put much more impressive numbers beginning now and if you need a third or fourth wideout for the playoffs, feel free to plug him in your lineups. Picking up Kaepernick probably wouldn’t be a bad idea either. Top 5 QB from here on out. Trust in my visions and you will be rewarded at the finish line.
Michael Turner– 13 rushes for 17 yards and 1 TD and 3 receptions for 13 yards on 3 targets. This dumptruck of a man looks as if he has Thanksgiving at his house 7 nights a week. Seriously Michael, how can you be so fat and slow? You’re a professional athlete for the love of God! The “Burner” nickname has long been extinguished and if you own Turner you have quite the conundrum on you’re hands. Meaning, it’s pretty tough to bench the guy, especially if you’re Olsen-twin thin at running back. I’d love to see Rodgers in there full time but I gave up that dream long ago, along with one of me being hung like Mandingo. Make sure you click on that link. It’s moving.
Knowshon Moreno– 20 carries for 85 yards and 4 receptions for 26 yards on 4 targets. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t receive Ronnie Hillman on my waiver claim, and instead picked up Bryce Brown?? How was anyone to know Denver would reach to the scrap heap and recessistate Moreno’s floundering career. Frankly, I’m stunned Knowshon wasn’t smoking hashish and hitting Baskin and Robins twice a day the past month. Think about it: Denver had Lance Ball active over Moreno. LANCE BALL!!!! One would think that when the starting running back goes down, the backup would take on the role as starter. Or maybe a running back that’s actually been on the active roster. John Fox thinks outside the box, and for that, how can we not respect him? This Santa Clause without the beard clone went to a super bowl and almost won with Jake freaking Delhomme as his starting quarterback for God’s sake. Trust in his decisions. Trust that Moreno will be the “bell-cow” going forward. I love that term. I also love the term “baby nuts” FYI.
Hakeem Nicks– 5 receptions for 77 yards and 1 td on 13 targets. Let me guess.You gave away Nicks for pennies on the dollar 3 weeks ago when you were sure injuries had ruined his season. Tisk tisk my friend(s). Bye weeks are perfect for the hobbled and “Hakeem the Dream” looks to be all the way back and ready to show us all the full size of his manhood…………in scoring at least one touchdown a week from here on out. This I promise you. Check out J.T.’s sweater in that video. Classic Timberlake.
James Jones– 0 receptions on 0 targets. Hmmmmmmm, how is this possible? I guess when your team gets their back’s blown out it’s safe to not look to deeply into anyone player’s numbers on the day. If you’ve read anything I’ve written about Jones in the past(I’m guessing you haven’t) you know that I’m his biggest supporter, but with Jennings coming back and the emergence of Randall Cobb, it may be time to drop old Jonesy. I for one, will remember the good times. Goodnight sweet prince.
Pierre Garcon– 4 receptions for 86 yards and 1 TD on 6 targets. It’s scary to think of what the frenchman could have accomplished this season if healthy whatsoever. More like mind numbing anguish as I drafted him in multiple leagues. It’s awesome when you lose your possible breakout star in the first week of the season on an 80 yard touchdown reception. JUST WONDERFUL!!!! As far as the rest of this season goes, I’d take the risk and start him at the third wideout spot. A goose egg could always be a possible but the Skins are making a playoff push and Garcon will be a huge reason why if they make it to the dance. Oh, what could have been. F##K!!!!!!!
Bryce Brown– 19 carries for 178 yards and 2 TD’s and 4 receptions for 11 yards on 5 targets. The college dropout showed why he was once one of the top recruits in the nation last week. Like another famous college dropout, Kanye West, overcame getting his jaw wired shut in a car accident, Brown overcame leaving multiple football programs for having a horrific attitude problem and an addiction to porn. Wait, that last problem was mine. Unfortunately Brown’s team sucks and oh yea, he fumbled twice which quite possibly cost the Beagles the game. Still though, the man runs possessed. Get off the tracks when the train’s comin through!
Vernon Davis– 0 receptions on 1 target. “Big Vern” earns my “tool-bag of the week award” for his comments saying Alex Smith should be the starting quarterback. Wait, what??? Just last week he seemed as if he’d happily help shave Harbaugh’s butt if it meant Kaepernick keeping the starting job. Or was that just because he finally had a decent performance statistically? Then against the Saints, he doesn’t get the rock and says that Alex Smith is the starting quarterback. Either this guy is insanely selfish or just brain dead. Maybe he should just silence himself before he really gets Tehol riled up. That is all.
Well guys, you are now probably either fighting for playoff position or have a bye locked up and it’s time to hunker down and prepare for that title run. I hope this has been helpful in any way shape or form. I’m shopping a book and so far I’m marketing myself as a mix between Anne Frank, J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephenie Meyer, and M. Night Shyamalan. Send your big time publisher friends links to Hard Targets and prepare them to have their minds blown. Until next week……