Welcome back, my loyal Horde! I trust that you have all been able to get on without me this past week? No arrests, Megan’s Law registries, or restraining orders? If not, then that means you are all here for another weekly dose of my awesomeness, and, with the regular season approaching, hopefully I have given you some things to think about (up to this point) as Fantasy Football draft season begins. I know, I know, there are soooo many writers out there who probably give you the same thing I do, each week. But remember, nothing can compare to the original, and baby, I am as original as it gets! Imitation really is the best form of flattery, but you know, only I can satisfy your weekly need of Fantasy Football wisdom like no other. So, without further ado, let’s get on with this week’s version of my gospel according to Jen with Hit it or Quit it, the Preseason Editions…
Tyler Boyd, WR, Cincinnati Bengals – I know you may all be a little scared of this pick and if that is the case, stop reading now because this column is made for manly men, not little boys, and if I have bigger balls than you do here, something is wrong. Well, of course figuratively I do, that’s a given, but not in reality. I know that there has been some scuttlebutt about Boyd being the number 3 receiver behind Brandon LaFell, and sure, he is a rookie and all so there may be some growing pains, but let’s look at the big picture here. Tyler Eifert is out with his ankle, so that leaves some wiggle room for Boyd to have a lot of work, particularly early in the season. Okay, so he may have to do some work behind LaFell, but let’s be honest here, my Black Widow Curse is not going to allow LaFell to stay healthy all season, especially since he has been nursing that hand injury (insert masturbation joke here). So far, Boyd has shown some serious ability to make big plays in only two preseason games this year by pulling in 2 of his 3 targets for 38 yards and a touchdown in the Bengals’ Thursday night game. Until LaFell is completely healthy (we know he never will be) and until Eifert is back, Boyd is in line for a pretty big week one role. Something else to tickle your pickle is that right now, the spot opposite AJ Green has not been filled yet, so there could be some room for Boyd to do this. I know what you are thinking, virgins never know what they are doing and get stage fright when it matters. Sure, that may be true, but there are a few out there who have watched enough porn to put Ron Jeremy to shame. Take a risk on this virgin. Hit it with all you got!
Derrick Henry, RB, Tennessee Titans – What’s this another virgin on my list of hits? No, I am not losing my mind; I am going full cougar on the fresh meat that hit the market this season and so should you. How the Titans are going to be able to let this talent sit on the sidelines this season is beyond me. It’s like having the world’s best vibrator and letting it sit in the drawer while your man attempts to find the “right spot.” Stupid, right? Yeah, I know! Saturday night, while you were all out getting sh*t-faced and getting ready to regret the next morning who you took home, Henry rushed five times for 31 yards all the while still gaining yards after contact. Prior to this game, Henry rushed 10 times for 74 yards and a touchdown in the Titans preseason opener. This kid really has shown that he can break a tackle and that he has something to prove. Oh, virgins, always trying to overachieve and show you how good they are at what they do. If he keeps running like he has been, there is no way he will see that much time off the field. It really goes without saying. Channel your inner cougar, grab the lube and your trusty mixer for your “Cosby Cocktails” and Hit it.
Sterling Shepard, WR, New York Giants – How would you feel if you were in a bar, saw the most beautiful woman (or man) you have ever seen, and you didn’t have that asshole friend (who happens to be more successful and better looking than you) around to cock block you? Well, essentially you would be Sterling Shepard. What, another rookie??? Look, I think I have already established with you all that I planned on going full-on cougar in this article, so why are you surprised? A girl needs a little variety and sometimes the same old, same old just doesn’t do it for me anymore. Shepard is stepping into a pass-friendly system and having Odell Beckham, Jr. taking all of the attention like a good HBIC, that leaves Shepard to stroll right in and do some nasty nasty. Also something to consider is that Victor Cruz will more than likely not ever be the same again, and the Tight End situation with Larry Donnell and Will Tye leave a lot to be desired. Even if you didn’t like my previous virginal picks, you have to admit, this one is pretty hard to pass up. So, do what your little dirty mind would like to do to someone so innocent, make him your WR4 in your PPR league and make treat that b**ch like you’re going upstate for 25-life. Hit it.
DeVante Parker, WR, Miami Dolphins – Every now and then I like to include someone in here who I think may be able to give you a little something extra, because that’s the kind of person I am. Think of me as the Madame of Fantasy Football, making sure you all get your happy endings…and a little something more. That’s where Parker comes in, but he comes with a little risk. Twice in the past three years he has broken a bone in his foot that has cost him field time, but ladies and gents, inmates and convicts, perverts and creepers, I have news for you…he is finally healthy. Couple with that the stronger offensive line and head coach Adam Gase’s system, and you can pretty much bet with Parker is going to show some serious potential. Don’t expect him to sit around on draft lists because he is favored as a sleeper this year. He would make someone a nice WR3, if he stays healthy and that foot holds up. So go on, partake in the pleasurable gifts that I have bestowed on you and didn’t charge you extra for. Do it you sassy little monkey. Hit it.
Dion Lewis, RB, New England Patriots – Let me make this 100% clear. I, in no way, am happy about this player being on here and I 100% blame Zachary Robinson for the reason that I have to include Dion Lewis on the Quit it list. That little bugger out Black Widow Cursed me, before I even had a chance to Black Widow Curse myself! There’s a war a’ brewin’ within Razzball and Zachary, I am gunning for you now! So, you remember how I was sooooo excited that I damn near came all over myself that Dion Lewis was healthy and I would be able to rekindle the former love affair I had with him last season, before my Black Widow Curse took him away from me? Yeah, well, that’s not going to happen and I am devastated…DEVASTATED!!! Thanks to Zach (who I am not totally convinced didn’t do some Tonya Harding sh** just to say “I told you so”) jinxing Lewis, he how needs a second knee surgery to “clean up” whatever is going on in there. This will keep him sidelined for at least the first six weeks of the season. On a lighter note, this does open the door for James White to see some action, so, although I won’t have my bae to rekindle a love affair with, I may have a replacement…oh, who am I kidding, I might as well join a nunnery now. Pppfft, we all know that I would burst into flames the minute I walked through that door. I can’t believe I am about to say this for Dion Lewis, Quit it.
Jordan Matthews, WR, Philadelphia Eagles – Filthadelphia, the city across the state, how I loathe thee. Not really, but I am supposed to say that as a Yinzer, right? Oh, wait, I’m not a Yinzer so it’s cool. Philadelphia, the city across the state, how I like thee, but that doesn’t mean that I have to hit your players. Enter Jordan Matthews. The only real surprise here is why Jordan Matthews continues to go as high as he does in drafts and why people continue to shoot their loads all over his face. Wait, what? No, not literally you pervs. From what I can tell in mock drafts, Matthews has been going by the end of the sixth round and I, for the life of me, can’t figure out why. Nothing has changed in Philly except the departure of a coach who guaranteed a lot of run plays and the entrance of Doug Pederson who is more conservative on offense than an Amish Donald Trump at a Quaker tea dance. Wow, I can’t even wrap my brain around that analogy. Last season, through 13 games, Matthews had 64 catches for 680 yards and four touchdowns. I had Matthews last year and he did not grant me more than seven points per game in a standard league. That was hardly the performance that a girl of my standing, expectations, and desires deserves. If you can’t satisfy my every need, then I have no use for you…in more ways than one. Take it from someone who knows from experience, Jordan Matthews will leave you wanting again and again. Quit it.
Steve Smith, Sr., WR, Baltimore Ravens – When it comes to Steve Smith, Sr, quoth the Raven, “Nevermore” and I mean it…seriously…I do….never again. But dammit, he’s so tempting! NO, Jen! NO!! I love you all, so consider this a PSA on how to help you all go cold turkey on Steve Smith, Sr. I, more than anyone, know what it’s like to be lulled in by the promise of a beastmode performance, one that will knock my socks off and leave me lying on the bed, only to wake up asking, “Was that it? Are you done already?” Don’t do what I did and use the false promises that come in the form of sporadic monster outings, only to be disappointed every other time. One good rogering every few weeks should not be enough for you to continue to justify all of the impotent let downs week after week. Add on the fact that Smith is now 37 years old and this season will be coming off of a pretty devastating Achilles Tendon injury, and one can assume that he won’t even be able to give you that one good romp every few weeks. Smith also has Kamar Aiken and Mike Wallace working against him along with Marc Trestman’s offense which includes some pass-catching running backs. Take it from me. I know you are tempted with this one, considering there is some talk about possible Hall of Fame potential (not me, I am just saying), but he really has no upside anymore. Let some other schmoe in your league pick up these sloppy seconds. Quit it.
Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Minnesota Vikings – Yay! I finally have a QB on this list! Not that it was that hard (or even remotely chubby). To put it bluntly, Teddy Bridgewater is too timid to take charge and challenge anything, let alone a secondary. Not to mention that the man is not very good at throwing the ball either. Who wants that? A man who is too timid to perform. The frightened turtle. He also does not seem to mesh well with the system they have going there in Minnesota, which is also a huge disappointment. As I am writing this, I am thinking about this…
Simply because that is what I do. I sit around all day imagining flaccid phalluses and what not when I am writing this section of this article. Don’t judge me, you all love it and you know it. Look, I don’t need to give you any more visual as to why you need to stay away from this one and I am pretty sure that most of you just read the header for this section and did not need to go any farther. It’s understandable and pretty much I am phoning it in right now since all this talk about phalluses has really distracted me. Anyhoo, stay away from Teddy. Not even as your backup. Not even as a streamer. Just don’t do it. Listen to me and Quit it.
Well, that is it for this week, my every faithful and loyal horde. Remember, as your Goddess, I promise to love and protect you, kind of like Daenerys and her lovable dragons. I, like the Mother of Dragons will also not spurn you if you incinerate an entire village, but I will spurn you if you go against my demands and choose to hit a quit. Okay, not really, but it’s your life and I’m sure you’ve made other decisions in your past which led to consequences. Sure, hitting a quit won’t land you your third case of Gonorrhea, but you will get burned on the outside. In the meantime, continue to follow me and all my shenanigans on Twitter @Soxfan012 and be sure to tell all your friends to come on over. I love a good party! Until next week!