Welcome back, boys and girls, ex-cons and degenerates, to another edition of Hit it or Quit it, with yours truly. I know you have all missed me over this off-season, probably more than I missed most of you, but that was because I was too busy filling my dungeon with man souls to feast on for the 2015 NFL season. As you probably have already witnessed, my Black Widow Curse is still very much alive and back with a vengeance. This season it seems to want to feast on hammies and ACLs, which has made for some very interesting Fantasy Football drafts was well. With most of the first-rounders taken out by my curse (no one crosses me), join me now as we begin to venture into the outer limits of this season with Hit it or Quit it, Week 1…
Dion Lewis, RB, New England – Only 7% owned in most leagues, you are probably wondering why I am suggesting Lewis. Well, for starters, Lewis is probably the most effective back on the Pats offense right now and he will more than likely be the lead third down back and has made pretty good use of his preseason playing time so far. With 80 total yards and two touchdowns in two preseason games, you could do a lot worse, especially with the state of affairs with the running back situation being as pathetic as it is. I know it is only week one and we have a long way to go, but until our rosters are healthy again, you need to act like its 2 AM and the lights just came on in the bar. Take what you can get. Hit it.
Jameis Winston, QB, Tampa Bay – Currently dealing with a sprained ankle is the least of Jameis Winston’s problems. In three preseason games, he was 23 for 47 for 311 yards, has yet to see a touchdown, but made sure he was intercepted twice. Supporters say is was because he was without Mike Evans (thanks to my Black Widow Curse) and an offensive line that was uglier than a Las Vegas crack whore, but we all know the real reason…crab leg withdrawals. Ok, maybe not the last part, but definitely the first two. There is no doubt that Winston earned is draft pick status, but as Johnny Football learned, the NFL is a loooooooooong way from college. Rookie QB’s are probably the worst hookups a fantasy drafter could ever make and the fact that Winston is only 32% owned in most leagues, it shows that there are some people out there with enough common sense to avoid him like a street walker with Herpes, but that also means that some people did not. Do yourself the favor and save yourself from having to get that embarrassing Valtrex prescription and stay away. Quit it.
Tyler Lockett, WR, Seattle – Look, I could add some backhanded joke here about the Seahawks being a “passing” rather than a running team here, but I am above that… or am I? Who knows, but what I do know is that you are a fool if you do not see Lockett for what he is, a potential highlight reel. Sure, there is the potential that Seattle will remain a heavy run team (I think they learned their lesson on passing last Super Bowl) and sure, he is a rookie, but even first timers know how to use their hands (wink, wink). Lockett is heading into the NFL from Kansas State where he created a 106-catch, 1515 yard resume. I know how you all feel about getting involved with someone who is inexperienced, but you may be surprised at what he may be able to do for you. You never know unless you try. Come on, don’t be afraid to get a piece of this. At only 14% owned in most leagues, you know you want to Hit it.
Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Tennessee – The NFL does not seem to be thin with hyphenated-Beckham players. But for those of you who have just climbed out of your caves, no, this is not the giant piece of man flesh, famous for his ability to be phenomenal with his hands, but this one is kinda close… I said kinda. Sure, he isn’t the most seasoned receiver and he is sort of rough around the edges, but he does have something which is pretty rare (and pretty important to women)… size and speed. DGB is a heaping 6’5”, 230+lbs of raw man meat who will more than likely be tearing up your red zones (better run out to Costco and stock up on that lube now). Look, the preseason for me is a complete joke, but DGB managed to pull out some favorable reviews for his seven catches for 93 yard performance, and with Hakeen Nicks getting his walking papers (it’s not me, it’s you, Hakeem) DGB is now free to slide on in for snaps-plenty. At only 23% owned in most leagues, open on up and let DBG on in. Go on and Hit it.
Heath Miller, TE, Pittsburgh – Of course all of Pittsburgh is expecting Heath Miller to have a huge season, they always do… and he never really does. My Black Widow Curse has really developed a liking to Tight Ends and seems to want to feast on them more than anything. That being said, the pickin’s are slimmer than finding a non-virgin at a Star Trek convention. Being from Pittsburgh, I know more than anyone how delusional Yinzers can be when it comes to their team. Hell, I saw a guy walking around downtown last week wearing a Bubby Brister jersey… I kid you not. Heath Miller is no exception. I managed to be forced to pick him up last year when my curse wiped out my Tight Ends, and aside from the two games where he managed to put up double-digit points for me, he only saw about seven targets in six games. A real sleeper. Sure, he has potential to be an option in PPR leagues, but he has little to no upside. Take it from someone who has been there, you don’t want any of this. He just lays there. Quit it.
Duke Johnson, Jr., RB, Cleveland – Most of you, my loyal horde, know that I like my men lean, mean, and… concussed? Yeah, men are always more pliable when they are not able to function cognitively (Roethlisberger took a similar approach to some co-eds in the past… allegedly… allegedly), and they are easy pickin’s across the board as the fantasy unaware jerk their knees in massive tandem. Sure, he is not able to perform for you right now, but that should not stop you from seeing all of the wonderful majesty that he may be able to offer you later on. Also, don’t let the fact that he is in Cleveland dissuade you either. What do I see in this guy? I am glad you asked! For one, the Browns just basically prostituted Terrence West away which opens the door for Johnson. Need more convincing? Okay, here goes: He was a productive back at Miami, roping in a decent 1652 rushing yards with an average of 6.8 yards per carry and right now, it is just him and Isaiah Crowell in the backfield, so a double-team could be in your near future. Look, the choice is ultimately yours, but if you want some easy points with what is considered to be a full workload, get off your high horse and Hit it.
Well, there you have it my horde. The first edition of Hit it or Quit for the 2015 season is in the books. Remember to follow me, your ever faithful and ever so glamourous Fantasy Football Goddess, on Twitter @Soxfan012, and until we meet next week, remember, offerings to the Black Widow Curse are highly recommended!