Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. Week 9 seemed to be a ho-hum week for me as your stunningly gorgeous Goddess went a mediocre 3-2. As expected, my sacrificial league was a complete and utter sh**show, but was somewhat less grotesque following a blowout in one of my money leagues. The emasculation I visited on that poor bastard is one for the ages. I may have to report to the Hague now because it really was a crime against humanity. These constant losses in my sacrificial league still do not sit well with me. Although I do not like the role of submissive, in the end life is about balance. As you know, I am willing to take one raw and dry from you, my faithful readers, with the hopes I can bring you first-hand experience on how my article subjects fare, so if that means I have to assume unfamiliar roles to keep you coming back for more each week, I am willing to do so without charging extra.
The curse managed to spare me again this week, so I am beginning to think there is something to this sacrificial league after all. I will probably jinx myself, but I have never made it this long in any season without being absolutely violated by the Curse. Of course, Fournette is still taking up oxygen while sipping Mai Tai’s on my bench, but rumor has it he plans to head back following the bye. I’ll believe that when I see it. Right now, he is more like a freeloading ex who just will not go away, but you cannot bring yourself to quit him because when he is on, he satisfies many a need for you. C’est la vie.
Wow, Week 10 already. Where has the time gone? I so enjoy our time together in the Dungeon each week and knowing we only have a few more weeks of fun together before the season ends, well, that just brings an iota of pain to my cold, dead heart. Yes, even I, your Mistress of Pain, your Dominatrix of Destruction misses you. After all, without you, I would not be able to keep the lights on in the Dungeon, and the routine bleach downs really take a hit on the wallet. Therefore, I suppose I should get to why you are here this week. I know, talk is cheap, but I am not. Without further ado, I give you Week 10, Hit it or Quit it.
Mike Davis, RB, Seattle – It seems Week 9 was not kind to Chris Carson as the Curse decided to munch on his thigh, which opened up a slot for Mike Davis to move on. Davis rushed 15 times for 62 yards and added seven receptions for an additional 45 yards in Week 9 after coming on as a lead back following Carson’s exit in the second quarter. Once he came on, it was all Davis as he out-touched Rashaad Penny 22-7. Talk about coming out hard! He stayed so hard that the Seahawks stayed with the run even though they were working from behind (oooh, kinky). As long as Carson remains out, Davis has a shot at another double-digit fantasy week, but there is the potential the Rams will put more pressure on Russell Wilson which could negatively impact Davis’s potential. At just 24% owned in most leagues, anyone needing some back help could do worse. Hey, it’s Week 10, if you can’t show the size of your balls now, why are you even here? Go on, Sweet Pea. Hit it.
Nelson Agholor, WR, Philadelphia – Well, it would not be Week 10 slumming if I did not include someone from Filthadelphia. Enter Nelson Agholor. The word “quiet” has been accompanying Agholor a lot lately, and no one likes the quiet ones. Not in this environment anyway. In Week 8, Agholor caught 3-of-6 targets for 49 yards in Filthy’s win over Jacksonville, but completely disappeared in the second half. He did manage to rope in a 39-yard catch but other than that, did not do much. He has not been able to tag more than 50 yards in five of his last six games and has not had a touchdown since Week 2. Ten percent of owners dropped him within the last week and it is understandable. With this kind of performance, he is not worth taking up space in your stable. There are so many other viable options out there with lots to offer. You want loud and proud. You want someone who is really going to scream for you when you use them six ways from Sunday. Agholor is not that person for you. Its ok, Boobie, you have my permission. Quit it.
John Ross, WR, Cincinnati – Psst, hey, guess what? Guess who is expected to return following that groin injury which no one can prove I was the cause of? Yep, John Ross. He practiced on Monday, but it is not clear if or how much he will actually play. Cinci will not have to release their injury report until mid-week but considering A.J. Green succumbed to the Curse’s foot fetish this week, the Bungles really could use Mr. Ross. Moreover, so could you. Look, I know more than anyone does how touchy and fickle groins can be. I am a bit of an aficionado in this area, so there is always the possibility of a setback. Nevertheless, we can say that with anything, right? Ross is owned in about four percent of most leagues so there is a good possibility Ross and his touchy groin can be all yours. With players going down faster than a virgin on prom night, Ross may be the answer to all of your prayers. It is Week 10, no one said it would be pretty. Go on you sexy beast, Hit it.
Mike Williams, WR, Los Angeles Chargers – I am putting Mike Williams on here because he is someone I picked up ahead of time in my sacrificial league, simply because I thought I saw what was coming and I wanted to stick it to some people in that league who keep swiping all my picks off the wire. As I should have expected, it totally backfired. Williams caught 1-of-3 targets for a 30-yard touchdown in the Chargers Week 9 win. He currently has two touchdowns in two games on two catches. That is all. He has two catches. I am not an advocate for risks outside of the bedroom, and this one is no exception. Two lonely/pathetic catches should be enough to chase away the more skittish/less likely to be adventurous owner even with a flaccid matchup with Oakland in Week 10. Look, I am not going to judge you (Week 10, remember?) if you want to or need to hold onto him. I just will not respect you. I dropped him faster than a used up submissive. Slumming is one thing. This is something else. Quit it.
Maurice Harris, WR, Washington – I typically try not to write about Washington, only because of their refusal to change the derogatory name of the team. Look, I may be an all-powerful Goddess who is sexually and intellectually alluring, but even I have to draw the line somewhere. That being said, I will refer to them as “Washington” in this piece and not their ridiculously racist mascot. Ok, now that that is out of the way, let’s get down to business. After all, time is money and I charge by the minute. Harris caught 10-of-12 targets for 124 yards in Washington’s Week 9 loss. This was the fifth game in a row where Harris filled in for a Black Widowed Jamison Crowder. Ok, I get that he was held scoreless and below 50 yards in each of his previous four games, but this time he completely went off like Ralphie on Scut Farkas when he had nothing to lose, as Washington played from behind. You can expect something similar of Crowder remains Widowed because it looks like Harris will be looking down the shaft of a WR3/FLEX plan, particularly in PPR leagues. Harris is currently 0% owned in some leagues, so this could potentially be a sneaky play for you. Oooh, I love sneaky! So sexy! Do what you want, I am only here to make suggestions, but for this one, I say Hit it.
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have once again enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. Week 10 tends to bring out the worst in us and I am awaiting the delicious sins in which you are all about to engage. I do ask that you light a candle and pray to the Fantasy Gods that I am finally able to whip out my Fournette, because I too deserve some satisfaction rather than doling it out on a daily basis. As always bribes are accepted as payment to stave off the curse, but as you know, souls are preferred. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 10 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012.