Welcome back, my lovelies! I hope the fantasy Gods have been as good to you this week as they have been to me! Yours truly went a solid 6-0 this week, and it seems you are all finally seeing that I know what I am talking about, as I had to battle some of you on the waiver wires this week as well. Remember, Hell hath no fury…and to the person who beat me on waivers for Gray this week? Well, let’s just say I will be very BLOUNT about my thoughts on that. Remember all, I am a girl who gets what she wants, and when I don’t…well… Hopefully your hoopties (rosters that is) are still rollin’, tailpipe draggin, sure the heat don’t work and your girl keeps naggin’ but hey, its Fantasy Football and no one said it had to be perfect or pretty. Kind of like a toothy bj, it may be painful and not very enjoyable, but hopefully there is still some satisfaction at the end. So, speaking of satisfaction, let’s all lube up and get ready for a good time as I bust open Week 13’s Hit it or Quit it.
Dan Herron – Okay, first of all, a man nicknamed “Boom” is either trying to overcompensate for a case of Lenten Fridays in the pants or is just a major douchebag. For those of you who are non-Catholics, Lenten Fridays means “no meat.” But is seems that this is not the case here. Dan “Boom” Herron was given the nod as the starter for Week 12 for the Colts with Ahmad Bradshaw out and Trent Richardson “iffy” with some mystery illness and showed what he is packing. Rushing 12 times for 65 yards and adding another 31 yards on 5 catches, it seems the Colts finally made a good decision. Herron out touched Trent Richardson 17-13 and outgained him 96-42. He out-performed Richardson so much that despite losing a fumble in the end zone, the Colts didn’t ignore him like a bad date. At this point, Herron is showing more promise than Richardson and appears to be on the RB2 radar in Week 13 when the Colts meet up with the Redskins, err, Native Americans, err (insert politically correct team name here). At just 23% owned in most leagues it may be time for you to try a little something new. Come on Richardson owners, don’t be afraid of moving on or getting a little something extra on the side. This one is worth it and you don’t have to troll ashleymadison.com to find it. Hit it.
Latavius Murray – Okay, yeah, I know he is concussed right now, but come on, who isn’t at this point? Am I right? I am still lamenting the loss of my beloved Jordan Cameron to a little scrambled egg brains, but unlike that Adonis, it seems that Murray is close to gaining clearance from the NFL’s concussion protocol. If you have no idea who I am talking about or why I put him on here, before he went all mashed potato head, get out from under the rock or the dead hooker you are under because Murray completely owned the Chiefs in Week 12, racking up 112 yards and two TDs on only four carries. Something else to be aware of, this was the first concussion of Murray’s career and Coach Tony Sparano, being the fount of smartness he is, admitted that Murray “earned more snaps”. Ok, good call. As long as he can get cleared from his concussion by this Friday, there is no reason to think that he won’t be the starter again in Week 13. At just 25% owned in most leagues, Murray is a must own in all 10-12 team leagues. So, take advantage of owners who have no idea what they are doing and make some junk trade for him, or just use those big, sexy brains of yours and Hit it.
Louis Murphy, Jr. – If you were in the same position as I was last week, in fantasy football, not the bedroom because that would just be weird, you were scrambling for a WR because of bye weeks and all the injuries. If you are finding yourself in the same position again (fantasy, not bedroom still), then let me introduce you to Louis Murphy, Jr. Catching 6 of 8 targets for 112 yards against the Bears in Week 12, Murphy had targets directed at him in the second half when the Bucs abandoned the run game. Murphy saw 4 of 8 targets in the fourth quarter. Sure, he is probably a little inconsistent and isn’t going to put up monster numbers for you every week, but in a pinch like my trusty B.O.B. he can give you what you need. You need it, he has it. Hit it.
Robert Turbin – Let’s talk handcuffs…no, not the bondage kind or the ones you get to wear as a reward for a night of debauchery, courtesy of your local police. No, I am talking player handcuffs. As my colleague, “Master” Ralph Lifshitz doles out to all his submissives, handcuffs are so important in the fantasy world, that he has a weekly column dedicated to it here on Razzball. Ok, I just re-read that last sentence and it sounded absolutely FILTHY…I love it…anyhoo, handcuffs…If you are a Marshawn Lynch owner, like myself, your b-hole absolutely slammed shut when he went down in Week 12 and left the game with some back issues. Sure, he returned, but honestly, if you would’ve shoved a lump of coal up the no-no place, you would’ve had a diamond in about an hour. Enter Turbin. Rushing four times for 12 yards, Turbin worked as an every down back when Lynch left in the first quarter. Turbin is ahead of Christine Michael and absolutely needs to be a handcuff right now, especially given Lynch’s multitude of problems. Don’t forget, the Seahawks are on a short week this week as they have the Thursday night game in Week 13 against San Fran. At just 2% owned, listen to your favorite Dominatrix on the proper use of this handcuff and Hit it.
Charles Johnson – Uh oh…It looks like there is a new HBIC in charge in Minne-sote. A lot of Peterson owners got a little chubby earlier last week when it was speculated that he would return, only to be disappointed when they learned it was a tease. If you want to fill that slot, and absolutely want a Viking, and what woman doesn’t? Just look at the covers to any of those romance novels that adorn the Wal-Mart bookshelves! Go for Johnson. Catching three passes for 52 yards and a TD in Week 12’s loss to the Packers, Johnson played in three-wide sets over Jarius Wright and ended the day with a team high 12 targets. He even tossed in a two-point conversion for good measure. Johnson has been the Vikings lead receiver and is currently on the WR4 map. Over the past 2 weeks, he has posted a 9-139-1 line on 18 targets and seems to be Teddy Bridgewater’s bae. He is a tasty deep league streamer in Week 13 against Carolina as well. He even saw full-time play with Greg Jennings and Jarius Wright active, and it is at the point now where Wright has been passed on the depth chart. At just 1% owned in most leagues, give this Johnson a ride and Hit it.
Alfred Blue – Like a good B.O.B., Blue was our boy and served a purpose in a pinch, but it seems with Arian Foster’s return, the “real thing” is better than the “back up.” Oh, it seems that it was not all that long ago that I was praising the ability of Blue to satisfy, but it seems that time has come to an end. Limited to 46 yards on 16 carries and catching three passes for 20 yards in Houston’s Week 12 loss to Cincinnati, oh, and getting completely stuffed in the end zone for a Bengals’ safety, it seems that our boy Blue, just blew. It’s not all bad. Blue has shown that he can handle a heavy workload, but it seems that he will not have that opportunity for much longer, especially with Arian Foster working his way back to being healthy. Hey, it worked for a while, but our boyfriend’s back and to be honest, we don’t have much more use for the “backup” when the real thing is so much more fun to play with. Sorry, Blue, I hear there is a guy in Louisiana who is looking for a shrimp boat partner. For now, I say Quit it.
Adrian Peterson – Yeah, this pains me considering he was my number one pick in every one of my leagues this year. I’m not going to lie, I had a mini sportsgasm this past week when some c**k tease sports reporters made it sound like Peterson would be back in Week 12 or 13 only to throw out a huge “NOPE”. At this point, it is looking like Peterson will be suspended indefinitely and more than likely won’t play in a game for the remainder of the season. He has an appeal hearing scheduled for December 2nd but the Appeals Officer is reportedly an “extension of Roger Goodell”. Ouch. That does not sound good for Peterson. I was going to insert some “beating” joke in here, but for the sake of being seen as a complete and total classless b*tch, I will simply say move on, we always have 2015. Just Quit it.
Pierre Garçon – Women want a man, not a boy and in French, “Garcon” means boy. There, I just saved you the $500 on Rosetta Stone and now you can say you know French. I am all about educating you sexy monsters and there is nothing sexier than French…unless your last name happens to be Garcon. Roping in a massive 3 of 4 targets for 34 yards, it is safe to say Garcon has been an all but silent factor in the Redskins…err Native…(forget it) passing game all season. With Grandma Ankle RGIII back and “healthy”(for now anyway), Washington opted for a run heavy offense to take some of the effort off Grandma Ankle which left little to no option for Garcon, who has watched his role drop from WR3 to WR4/5 over the past week. Accruing a measly 9.00 fantasy points for his 78% of owners over the past four weeks, the only question is, why does he still have 78% ownership in most leagues? Ladies (and some of you bears), this one is for you, I know things may seem desperate right now, but you can do so much better and deserve someone who is going to give you the fantasy lovin’ you so greatly deserve. Go on out there and get yourself a real man and drop this boy. Quit it.
Steven Jackson – Rushing 13 times for a pathetic and impotent 34 yards, and adding two catches for 17 yards and a TD in Week 12 was an expected and continued disappointing outing for Jackson. Sure, he has scored in 3 of 4 games but he is only averaging an embarrassing 3.55 YPC and he isn’t satisfying any of the 80% of his fantasy owners who apparently love to be punished, and not in a good way. He is nothing more than an extremely low-end RB3, but there are so many other options out there right now that can post you better numbers than Jackson. Who, you ask? Well, my dead grandma for one…you get the point. At this point he is taking up space on your rosters and accounting for 98% of the hooptiness. He does nothing unless he can find the end zone and we women know how men are about finding that certain spot. It is not worth it and stop doing this to yourselves. If you insist on keeping him, thanks for the fantasy points if I play against you and you may as well just let me kick you in the nuts for extra measure. Have some pride in your team…and your nuts. Quit it.
Bobby Rainey – With Charles Sims back, it seems that Rainey has found himself now in the bitch seat behind Sims and Doug Martin. Catching 4 of 6 targets for 18 yards and adding 3 more yards on one rush, Rainey has but all been ousted from the run game. Not being one to take no for an answer and attempting to keep the relationship going when it clearly has ended, Rainey did show up as the passing-down back for Tampa Bay, but it is highly unlikely his new role will be valuable for fantasy owners outside of super deep PPR leagues. Come on, you know you are worth so much more and even though no one puts Baby in a corner, it seems that everyone should stuff Rainey into a coffin, because he’s all but dead. Quit it.
Well, there you have it, my lovelies! Week 13 is in the bag and I have hopefully helped you move one step closer to winning your league Shivas! As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Remember to follow me on Twitter for all of my fantasy genius throwdowns, sports musings, and general awesomeness. Have yourselves a great Thanksgiving! Until next week…