Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. It has been some time since I was here to regale you with all of my wonderful musings, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do…and this girl was DO-IN! I know it has only been two weeks for me, but for many of you it may seem like a lifetime. For that I promise to make this week all that more fulfilling for you.
So, you missed me, huh? Well I am sure the boys here at Razzball have been taking care of you. Mind you, not in the way I do (well, maybe Zach) but even they cannot hold a candle to me in certain areas. We are slowing moving on forward to the end of the fantasy season and that can only mean one thing, playoffs. Yes, my lovelies, playoffs are right around the corner. The Curse does not seem to be letting up either and those of you who have been with me from the beginning know that her thirst and hunger only get more insatiable as the season goes on.
So far, I have been faring well and even pulled out a blowout win in my sacrificial league this week. I do have to admit, the past two weeks have been fun since I have been able to play with my Fournette, but it may be fun while it lasted thanks to a “my d**k is bigger than your d**k” fight that ended with his being tossed. With a suspension looming, I think my playtime is over. Oh, well. Such is life in the fickle fantasy world. I still have all of you to keep me happy and I will continue to return the favor.
As I sit here in the Dungeon and look about, I am starting to feel some kind of way because I know we only have a few, short weeks left together and I want to make them memorable for you. I mean, it is what keeps you coming back so I have to make it worth your while, right? Therefore, I suppose I should get to why you are here. As always, talk is cheap, but I am not so, without further ado, I give you Week 13, Hit it or Quit it.
Keke Coutee, WR, Houston – Way back in Week 8 we all caught a case of the Coutee(s) (which cleared up following some intervention from the Black Widow Curse) and we were able to move on. Well, sorry to say Lovelies…they are back. Yep, we caught them again and you are probably going to have them for the rest of the season at this point (barring any intervention again). Fresh off the injury report in Week 11, Coutee managed 5-of-9 targets for 77 yards. He did not show any indication of relapse and the Curse seems to have moved on. He even managed to out-touch Demaryius Thomas. He is playing as we speak so in a few hours I may be eating these words, depending on how he manages, but as of now, he is forecast as a WR3 in this week. There is the possibility he could go up and down, but hey, I am not complaining. It is 8:25 pm on Monday night and the free clinic is closed so what the Hell. He is still available in most leagues so go on Lover and hit it.
Gerald Everett, TE, Los Angeles – Gerald who? I actually heard someone say that in a bougie coffee shop earlier today. Of course, they may have been talking about someone else. Yeah, now that I think about it, they probably were. Anyway, the Tight End position has been spread thin for most of us at this point in the season. I mean, I started Jeff Heuerman in one league, for crying out loud. Now, granted, it was my fault because I forgot I had picked up Vernon Davis, who ended up producing a lot more and sat it out on my bench, but I digress. Even your Mistress makes a mistake in men from time to time. I will not do that again. So that is why we are here and talking about Gerald Everett. Yes, as I mentioned the Tight End position is spread thin for most of us and there is not a whole lot of pickings left. However, if you are in desperate need of a Tight End (hey, aren’t we all? Wink wink) then you can do worse than Everett. At only 11% owned in most leagues, Everett caught 3-of-4 targets for 49 yards and two touchdowns in the Rams’ Week 11 win. Week 13 sees him coming off a Bye Week, so he has had some rest. He has three touchdowns and a two-point conversion in his last three games. Consider as well, with Cooper Kupp out Everett is seeing more work. He has also been a heavy presence in the red zone. He is projected to have TE1 streamer appeal in Week 13 as the Rams go up against the Lions. Are you looking for that Tight End? Are you desperate to find one? Well, look no further. Here you go, Sunshine. Hit it.
David Moore, WR, Seattle – I know I am probably going to get some sh*t for this pick and undoubtedly, every week, there is someone who comments about who they think I should have picked and blah, blah, blah. I get it, there are tons of choices out there, but I am here to give it to you differently than others. I am here to give you something new and not necessarily known. Sure, there are some nice names out there on the wire, but it’s my job to give you something no one else has. It is why you come here, right? Keeping that in mind, let us get back to Moore. At just 10% owned in most leagues, Moore roped in 4-of-5 targets for 103 yards and a touchdown in Week 12. Yes, I will admit that he is up and down and yes, he had not scored in three straight games, but it seems they have found some use for him and he may be seeing more attention as we roll into playoffs. I would not recommend grabbing him up in shallow leagues but you deep drivers can easily work him in as a WR3. Keep in mind that he does have a tendency to disappear at times but he does offer big play potential down the line. You are here for a little something extra and different. You are here because you are a risk taker and you love that I give you what no one else does, so go on Pumpkin. Hit it.
Alex Smith, QB, Washington – I am not going to go into a lot of detail or diatribe here about this one. This one speaks for itself. In a very “Joe Theisman-esque” moment, Alex Smith endured a compound fracture of his leg this week, and is officially done for the season. The scary bit here is he broke both the Fibula (calf bone) and his Tibia (Shin bone) and the bones broke through the skin. Although I do not wish this on anyone, the sheer gore and gruesome nature of the injury is something I do enjoy looking at. What? You all knew I was a freak when you started reading me yet you kept coming back. Who is the real weirdo here? Back to Smith, it is unclear that this point if he will ever be able to play again, which is devastating for the young QB and he is facing a long and painful rehabilitation process. Let us all wish Smith our best and hope he is able to walk onto the field again at some point, but for now, it is safe to quit it.
Devin Funchess, WR, Carolina – I do promise you someone is going to comment about this one and ask me if I lost my mind. Go ahead, I will wait…done? Ok, now on to why I put Funchess on here. He has been dealing with a multi-week back injury and has not put up double-digit fantasy points since Week 7. Week 11 was an unmitigated disaster for Funchess and he did not practice at all leading up to Week 12, which he sat out. Keep in mind Torrey Smith is back in the lineup and D.J. Moore is expected to pick up Funchess’s load while he remains out/doubtful for Week 13. Carolina has taken a hit with injuries this far this season and it is doubtful Funchess will have the playmaking ability, especially with a back injury. Those things really do linger. I know, Sweets, it’s hard. It’s supposed to be. It’s ok. If you can snag up Moore, do it. He is already owned in close to 70% of leagues. As far as Funchess, your Mistress gives you permission to quit it.
Marques Valdez-Scantling, WR, Green Bay – It is my sole pleasure to wrap up this week’s article with his hot, steaming pile of fantasy football sh*t. Four weeks. Four weeks was all he was able to manage in usefulness and now he has not been able to hit double-digit fantasy points since Week 9. For the past 3 weeks, he has put up 7.40, 1.30, and 0.80 points in one of my leagues. Luckily, I dumped his ass back in Week 10. Week 12 saw Vandez-Scantling with two targets and went 1-for-3 in Week 11. Some analysts will tell you he still has WR2 appeal but this is only because they are Aaron Rodgers loyalists and think Rodgers will be able to make him look like he belongs in the WR2 position. Psst, here is a little secret…come closer…closer…cloooser…he’s not. He is a WR4 at best. On a team with Davante Adams and Aaron Jones having more love tossed their way, MVS is easily droppable in favor of other wire targets. I know your self-esteem may be down at this point in the season. I know you may be questioning your fantasy football decision-making ability. It’s ok, we have all been there. The important thing to know is you know a turd when you see it. Don’t step on this one. Go on, Poopie, quit it.
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have once again enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. We are in Week 13 and getting down to the playoff wire. It is also usually when everyone’s teeth and claws come out. It happens to be my favorite time of the season because I love the delicious sinning, in fighting, and pirating that goes on as Managers push toward that playoff win. Do remember, as always bribes are accepted as payment to stave off the curse, but as you know, souls are preferred. She does tend to become famished this time of the season, so the choice of sacrifice is yours. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 13 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012.