Well, well, well, here we are again, my lovelies! Another year of fantasy football is underway and here you all are, ready, willing, and waiting for me to give you what you have all been longing for since about Week 10 of last season. Oh, honey, don’t worry about all the foreplay. I do plan to deliver. Be patient. Those of you who are not new to my Dungeon know that I carry with me a Black Widow Curse that manages to feast on man flesh every season, and usually it waits a week or two, you know, wine and dine you before it has its way with you. Well, this season it seems that the curse was out in full force and hit me first when it decided to take Leonard Fournette away from me before halftime. I am not going to say any more about it because I don’t want to jinx it, but my sacrifice has been made…for now. Hopefully this year it does one of those Final Destination things where it moves on to the next person after claiming a victim, but knowing my luck I better stock up on the lube because I have a feeling I am about to get reamed halfway to Sunday. Without dinner first, the nerve! If you are in the same position as me (Giggity) not only do you know what it feels like, but you are already looking for another hole to be filled for next week. Well, fear no more. Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and perverts, the foreplay is over. Here is the first 2018 version of Hit it or Quit it. Bon Appetite!

T. J. Yeldon, RB, Jacksonville – If you are anything like me, you like handcuffs and if you are anything like me when you pick a monster back, you always pick his second in command, in case of emergencies. This is exactly the prophylactic that you always need to be prepared for. Case in point, Leonard Fournette. Fournette exited Week 1 with what appears to be a hamstring injury, so those big meaty points he was supposed to lay on me never happened. It is also looking like he will not be ready for Week 2 so what is a girl to do? Well, luckily there is T.J. Yeldon. With Fournette out, Yeldon is working as the lead back and managed 14 rushes for 51 yards with an added 3-of-7 targets for 18 yards and a touchdown in the Jags Week 1 win over the Giants. Look, I know what you are thinking, “My most humble and beautiful Goddess, why on Earth would you suggest we take Yeldon?” Well, for one, sometimes the things which are most pleasurable aren’t pretty (just make a sex tape of yourself once and watch it…the horror!) and two this is only for my fellow Fournette owners. While Fournette is out, all Fournette owners need to add Yeldon in all formats. He’s only about 15% owned in most leagues, so there is no reason you can’t hit is all week long. Hit it.

Philip Lindsay, RB, Denver – It seems like the trend this year in most of my drafts was to go receiver heavy, which means there are still some pretty decent options at back on the wire. Case in point, Philip Lindsay. In Week 1, Lindsay rushed 15 times for 71 yards and roped in 2-of-3 targets for 31 yards and a touchdown. Why is this so surprising you ask? Well, I bet no one expected Lindsay to end up with the same amount of carries and rushing yards as Royce Freeman, but oh honey, yes he did. Looking back at training camp, Lindsay also had a pretty satisfying performance there and seems to have earned the right to be the number 2 back moving ahead. I do need to caution you that he may not get as many running chances in the future moving forward, but for now, he has what you may need to fill that hole. At just 5% owned in most leagues, hit the sh** out of that hunk of man meat. Hit it.

Austin Ekeler, RB, Los Angeles Chargers – Are you sensing a theme here in this week’s article? I seem to have my fangs locked in on Backs this week, but that is ok, Lord knows they have delivered for me. Also, remember earlier when I told you how much I love handcuffs and prophylactics? Well, that is what Ekeler is…two times the fun in one. Do you own Melvin Gordon? Yes? Well, listen up, Buttercup. Ekeler caught 5-of-5 targets for 87 yards and a touchdown in Week 1. He also added five more carries for an additional 39 yards for a career high of 126 yards for Ekeler. It seems like the Chargers want to show off Gordon and Ekeler like two high-priced call girls and don’t care who knows about it. For everyday purposes, Ekeler is nothing more than an RB5/handcuff option but if Gordon goes down (Giggity) look to Ekeler to move into RB2 position. He is certainly one to watch. Go on you sexy little monkey…Hit it.

Ronald Jones II, RB, Tampa Bay – Drafted in the second round this past April, Ronald Jones II was supposed to take over the work of Doug Martin, but let’s just say that his performance has been less than lackluster. When most articles refer to your performance as “mediocre”, “brutal”, and “wasn’t pretty” well then you aren’t exactly going to turn any heads. Trust me, I have dated a few guys which these words wholly describe and the performance matches. But enough about me, back to Jones…Jones was a healthy scratch in Week 1 based solely off of his horrific preseason. Right now, Jones is listed as the Bucs No. 3 back, but I can foresee him falling farther and farther back as other, more virile backs step up and satisfy. For now, Jacquizz Rodgers had the HBIC role in Week 1 but Peyton Barber, who had a strong preseason and came out hard, has managed to secure the HBIC role. If you have Jones more as a “pity f***” that is understandable, but come on, Sunshine, you are so much better than that. You don’t need to stash anything no matter how deep that league is. Go on, lover, Quit it.

Jerrick McKinnon, RB, San Francisco – Ok, look, I know that this is an obvious one, but in most league 16% of you are still holding on to McKinnon for whatever reason. Baby, you gotta move on. Free up that spot on your bench with someone who can give you what you need. McKinnon won’t be back this season. I know it hurts, but 16% of you are still holding onto something that will never happen for you. Come on, let’s go out, get a couple of drinks, and get you hooked up with someone who will give you what you need. Quit it.

 

Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. Your Mistress commands it. I will make my weekly blood sacrifices with the hopes that my Black Widow Curse moves on to someone else this week, but I can’t make any promises. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 2 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!

 

 

Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012.

  1. mike says:
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    Maybe I’m the only one, but for me the whole ‘sexy dom’ schtick is just so, so tired. Cannot your hook just be writing as an articulate, intelligent, and beautiful woman who gives sound fantasy advice? I know you need to stand out in a crowded field, but isn’t that unique enough? Perhaps I am in the minority, but I just want to read your informed opinion on Philip Lindsay, not that I should “hit the **it out of that hunk of man meat.” I have otherwise always valued your advice.

    mike

    • OllyOllyO says:
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      @mike: First time on Razzball?

      • Jennifer

        Jennifer says:
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        @OllyOllyO: Apparently. Sheesh…

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @mike: First of all, thanks for the compliments and I’m glad you’ve always valued my opinion. I’m sorry you’re not down with the theme of the articles. I COULD just be “an articulate, intelligent, and beautiful woman who just gives sound fantasy advice”, but that’s so dull, Pumpkin. I’d hate to lose you as a reader but I’m a bit of a Diva (ask Jay Wrong) and I like to stand out. You’re still getting the sound fantasy advice and I’m still an articulate, intelligent, and criminally beautiful woman though. Thanks for taking the time to comment and I hope I can keep helping you all season. Good luck, Love!

  2. miles proudfoot says:
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    Hey, thanks for the advice! It’s my first time playing fantasy football and trying to get my legs under me.

    At RB, who would you replace D Booker with: Ekeler, Lindsay, Yeldon.

    At WR, would you replace Cobb, Cole, or Godwin with any of the following: D Jackson, Ginn Jr, Dorsett, Allison, Pettis, Mike Williams.

    Thank you!

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @miles proudfoot: I wouild go with Yeldon. He is the guarantee here and it does not look like Fournette will be back for Week 2. I have Yeldon in my W/R/T spot for Week 2 incase Lenny is a game time decision.

      Ginn will always be a boom or bust player, but he does seem to have a favorable matchup against Cinci this week. I would stay away though.

      Dorsett is looking pretty hot for week 2 with Edelman still out, but he has Jax and will be up against Jaylen Ramsey. And, as much as I hate that mouthy little gnat, he will make it tough. Your call.

      If you can get Allison in your league, my only question is how?? How was he not drafted and will you invite me to join this league next year? I’d love to dominate. LOL!

      Pettis is only a look if Godwin misses time.

      Williams is a stash in redraft leagues only.

      Hope this helps, Lovie!

      • miles proudfoot says:
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        @Jennifer: Thank you!

        Ha I’m not sure yet. Give me a few more weeks and I’ll figure out why Allison wasn’t drafted. In the meantime before you dominate, would you drop any of the following for him?…Cobb, Cole, or Godwin. I’m guessing maaaybe Cole…

        • Jennifer

          Jennifer says:
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          @miles proudfoot: I have Godwin. I think he’s looking at an every down situation this week with Deshaun in concussion protocol. Out of everyone you listed as potential drops, I’d go with Cobb since he had a more unfavorable matchup this week and Cole is looking good as a WR4.

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @miles proudfoot:@miles proudfoot: I wouild go with Yeldon. He is the guarantee here and it does not look like Fournette will be back for Week 2. I have Yeldon in my W/R/T spot for Week 2 incase Lenny is a game time decision.

      Ginn will always be a boom or bust player, but he does seem to have a favorable matchup against Cinci this week. I would stay away though.

      Dorsett is looking pretty hot for week 2 with Edelman still out, but he has Jax and will be up against Jaylen Ramsey. And, as much as I hate that mouthy little gnat, he will make it tough. Your call.

      If you can get Allison in your league, my only question is how?? How was he not drafted and will you invite me to join this league next year? I’d love to dominate. LOL!

      Pettis is only a look if Godwin misses time.

      Williams is a stash in redraft leagues only.

      Hope this helps, Lovie!

  3. Nehocstu says:
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    Any hope for Dez? I can see him fit in Seattle, but not my call… Hold or dump!?

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @Nehocstu: Hold him for now. I’d advise following him on Twitter because he posts things and there was some cryptic Tweet yesterday about some news that he was going to out. I’d wait until he says that he is not playing before making any moves.

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @Nehocstu: @Nehocstu: Hold him for now. I’d advise following him on Twitter because he posts things and there was some cryptic Tweet yesterday about some news that he was going to out. I’d wait until he says that he is not playing before making any moves.

  4. Member Berries says:
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    keeper PPR –

    Rank: Yeldon/Ekeler/Lindsay /Buc Allen

    Sterling Shepard and/or Dede Westbrook a drop for : T.Pryor, John Brown, Geronimo!, Enunwa, R Grant, J Grant, Beasley, Dorsett, Ginn, Sanu

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @Member Berries:

      First off, your rank is my rank so you’re good there.

      Ginn is, was, and always will be boom or bust.

      Dorsett has a lot of buzz around him as a hot add this week. He’s up against Jaylen Ramsey so it should be an interesting game.

      R. GrNt is a PPR only WR4/flex add this week.

      J. Grant has too much competition and bodies vying for attention. Stay away.

      Beasley is a low ceiling PPR flex option this week.

      Pryor is going to be fighting for time when Kearse returns, which may be soon.

      Brown seems like he’s working well with Flacco and could be a good WR4 add this week.

      Enunwa won’t be affected once Kearse returns and should be added in all formats. I already have a bid in on him in one of my leagues.

      Sanu is a low-end WR5. Much better options out there.

      Hope this helps, Poodle!

  5. Ron P says:
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    10 Team PPR Keeper.

    Side A: J. Conner, Crowder and Clay
    or
    Side B: D. Hopkins and Burkhead

    Thanks!

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @Ron P: I’d stick with Side A although Clay should be avoided this week. It’s still a better side than B. Especially if Bell continues to hold out. Kisses!

  6. Ron P says:
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    Quickie: Mack or Morris ROS in PPR?

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @Ron P: Eh, not giving me much to work with here. Mack is still Questionable with that hammy issue and Morris kind of stalled in Week 1 in the red zone. I’d say flip a coin but my gut would be Morris since Mack may not see much playtime if he comes back coming off an injury. Don’t shoot the messenger!! Good Luck!

  7. Justin says:
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    my QB stafford almost lost me my matchup. should i be looking to scoop someone else off the wire? its a 1 QB league. waiver has: philip rivers, mahomes, tyrod taylor, andrew luck.

    guys i can drop are: alfred morris, kerryon johnson.

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @Justin: Yep, QB’s will do that to you! It was a rough one for Matty but he may bounce back this week. Any of those options other than Rivers I’d be ok with. I know it’s common to knee jerk when things like week 1 happen but if you can snag one of those other QB’s (just not Rivers) is go for it.

      Also, what the hell kind of league has Mahomes, Luck, and Taylor available??? And can I get in on that one next year as well??!! Good luck, Poopie!

  8. Beware the Shit Rope says:
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    that 16% on mckinnon is likely comprised of 2 groups,
    1. dynasty leagues with (usually) IR slot(s)
    2. people who got drafted early and are absentee, people who got autopicked and similar, people who simply draft then give up completely (maybe BECAUSE of mckinnon getting hurt)

    the 2nd group won’t be here reading anyway, and the 1st group have a good reason to own him (or at least A reason)

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      @Beware the Shit Rope: Hey! Thanks for that mansplanation because boy, my feeble female brain wasn’t capable of figuring this out on my own ahead of time. I am going to finally be able to sleep tonight. Thank you! Thank you ever so much!!!

      P.s…You may want to Urban Dictionary “Throwing subtle shade” before you read me again. It’ll help you to not feel as though you have to take time out of your day to mansplain things to me. Thanks, Love! ;). XXXOOO

      • Beware the Shit Rope says:
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        @Jennifer: there shouldn’t be any issue on “female brains” being “feeble” such to have caused this. nor was that in my thinking till now at all. nor my lack of one wondering why all these out all year players get the “drop” tag (quit it) post in and post out. i didn’t presume any female to male issues with why these are in there almost every post. however it might be on the other side. the same way you are right in assuming i’m male (most FF readers likely are) might be why you’d assume male readers somehow would be reading a FF blog about holding/adding or dropping players and NOT be aware of their players being out all year before showing up to these posts. while the % of people reading this certainly are very likely male, it’s WAY more likely anybody showing up to this website at all would know in advance about their players being injured for entire ROS’s.

        -unless jaywrong actually told you to specifically include the players out all year in these posts, in which case it’s not at all interesting why they are almost always in them (as it’s pretty likely he’s aware of the above stuff, and it didn’t take his “male brain” to know it). if not it is pretty interesting though (maybe an odd point of “male brains” to think this)

        – for those new to these posts players have been “quit its” (i.e. drops) after they went through injuries causing them to be out entire rest of seasons (or very close to them) in the last few years: watson, sproles, k.white, a.rob, prosise (last year), eifert, k.allen, 2 years back. i didn’t remark on them before. so that takes care of the “shade” part, in case something about male brains precludes memory usage.

        – each time the % owned is invoked, so it’s odd that if you weren’t directed specifically to include them why it would be assumed that anybody with “the time” to show up to FF blogs that aren’t holding players due to being in dynasty leagues wouldn’t already be aware of their players having ROS injuries. you did actually refer to mckinnon as being an obvious one (and i’d agree, except for the probably nearly ALL of those 16%’ers being in dynasty leagues OR the type of people who spend so little time paying attention to their rosters that they certainly wouldn’t be here reading about FF players at all) just as all those others were.

        • Beware the Shit Rope says:
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          @Beware the Shit Rope: in only one other instance that i can think of has superfluous info been so often intentionally spread around here (so you can see i’m not just noticing when a female does it). one writer (male, assumed as such) when he mentions NYG refers to them as the “new york football giants”. is there somebody reading a late 2010’s fantasy football info site that somehow confuses the new york giants of the NFL with the baseball team that left there in 1957? yet he somehow forgets to call the arizona cardinals the “arizona football cardinals”, but why not, not only is their a baseball cardinals, ARI NFL team used to be the STL NFL cardinals (and a lot later than 1957). also used to be a CHI cardinals.

          – now i get the idea that not everything existent is conceived of by me, so let’s go fight some windmills here, can we find ONE person who’s ever read these that when they read it wasn’t already aware of any of these being out for the season at the time:
          mckinnon (hurt 9/1, posted out for season 9/2)
          watson, sproles, k.white, a.rob, prosise (last year)
          eifert, k.allen (2 years back)

          or the unicorn search that is:
          finding ONE person who’s ever read anything here that wasn’t aware that when somebody was talking about OBJ, shepard, eli manning, will tye, e.engram (or any other NYG players) and/or it’s opponents being mentioned in the NFC east to be ANY OTHER team but the new york giants in the NFL?

          i seriously want to understand what’s going on here.

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