Well, well, well, here we are again, my lovelies! Another year of fantasy football is underway and here you all are, ready, willing, and waiting for me to give you what you have all been longing for since about Week 10 of last season. Oh, honey, don’t worry about all the foreplay. I do plan to deliver. Be patient. Those of you who are not new to my Dungeon know that I carry with me a Black Widow Curse that manages to feast on man flesh every season, and usually it waits a week or two, you know, wine and dine you before it has its way with you. Well, this season it seems that the curse was out in full force and hit me first when it decided to take Leonard Fournette away from me before halftime. I am not going to say any more about it because I don’t want to jinx it, but my sacrifice has been made…for now. Hopefully this year it does one of those Final Destination things where it moves on to the next person after claiming a victim, but knowing my luck I better stock up on the lube because I have a feeling I am about to get reamed halfway to Sunday. Without dinner first, the nerve! If you are in the same position as me (Giggity) not only do you know what it feels like, but you are already looking for another hole to be filled for next week. Well, fear no more. Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and perverts, the foreplay is over. Here is the first 2018 version of Hit it or Quit it. Bon Appetite!
T. J. Yeldon, RB, Jacksonville – If you are anything like me, you like handcuffs and if you are anything like me when you pick a monster back, you always pick his second in command, in case of emergencies. This is exactly the prophylactic that you always need to be prepared for. Case in point, Leonard Fournette. Fournette exited Week 1 with what appears to be a hamstring injury, so those big meaty points he was supposed to lay on me never happened. It is also looking like he will not be ready for Week 2 so what is a girl to do? Well, luckily there is T.J. Yeldon. With Fournette out, Yeldon is working as the lead back and managed 14 rushes for 51 yards with an added 3-of-7 targets for 18 yards and a touchdown in the Jags Week 1 win over the Giants. Look, I know what you are thinking, “My most humble and beautiful Goddess, why on Earth would you suggest we take Yeldon?” Well, for one, sometimes the things which are most pleasurable aren’t pretty (just make a sex tape of yourself once and watch it…the horror!) and two this is only for my fellow Fournette owners. While Fournette is out, all Fournette owners need to add Yeldon in all formats. He’s only about 15% owned in most leagues, so there is no reason you can’t hit is all week long. Hit it.
Philip Lindsay, RB, Denver – It seems like the trend this year in most of my drafts was to go receiver heavy, which means there are still some pretty decent options at back on the wire. Case in point, Philip Lindsay. In Week 1, Lindsay rushed 15 times for 71 yards and roped in 2-of-3 targets for 31 yards and a touchdown. Why is this so surprising you ask? Well, I bet no one expected Lindsay to end up with the same amount of carries and rushing yards as Royce Freeman, but oh honey, yes he did. Looking back at training camp, Lindsay also had a pretty satisfying performance there and seems to have earned the right to be the number 2 back moving ahead. I do need to caution you that he may not get as many running chances in the future moving forward, but for now, he has what you may need to fill that hole. At just 5% owned in most leagues, hit the sh** out of that hunk of man meat. Hit it.
Austin Ekeler, RB, Los Angeles Chargers – Are you sensing a theme here in this week’s article? I seem to have my fangs locked in on Backs this week, but that is ok, Lord knows they have delivered for me. Also, remember earlier when I told you how much I love handcuffs and prophylactics? Well, that is what Ekeler is…two times the fun in one. Do you own Melvin Gordon? Yes? Well, listen up, Buttercup. Ekeler caught 5-of-5 targets for 87 yards and a touchdown in Week 1. He also added five more carries for an additional 39 yards for a career high of 126 yards for Ekeler. It seems like the Chargers want to show off Gordon and Ekeler like two high-priced call girls and don’t care who knows about it. For everyday purposes, Ekeler is nothing more than an RB5/handcuff option but if Gordon goes down (Giggity) look to Ekeler to move into RB2 position. He is certainly one to watch. Go on you sexy little monkey…Hit it.
Ronald Jones II, RB, Tampa Bay – Drafted in the second round this past April, Ronald Jones II was supposed to take over the work of Doug Martin, but let’s just say that his performance has been less than lackluster. When most articles refer to your performance as “mediocre”, “brutal”, and “wasn’t pretty” well then you aren’t exactly going to turn any heads. Trust me, I have dated a few guys which these words wholly describe and the performance matches. But enough about me, back to Jones…Jones was a healthy scratch in Week 1 based solely off of his horrific preseason. Right now, Jones is listed as the Bucs No. 3 back, but I can foresee him falling farther and farther back as other, more virile backs step up and satisfy. For now, Jacquizz Rodgers had the HBIC role in Week 1 but Peyton Barber, who had a strong preseason and came out hard, has managed to secure the HBIC role. If you have Jones more as a “pity f***” that is understandable, but come on, Sunshine, you are so much better than that. You don’t need to stash anything no matter how deep that league is. Go on, lover, Quit it.
Jerrick McKinnon, RB, San Francisco – Ok, look, I know that this is an obvious one, but in most league 16% of you are still holding on to McKinnon for whatever reason. Baby, you gotta move on. Free up that spot on your bench with someone who can give you what you need. McKinnon won’t be back this season. I know it hurts, but 16% of you are still holding onto something that will never happen for you. Come on, let’s go out, get a couple of drinks, and get you hooked up with someone who will give you what you need. Quit it.
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. Your Mistress commands it. I will make my weekly blood sacrifices with the hopes that my Black Widow Curse moves on to someone else this week, but I can’t make any promises. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 2 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012.