Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. Last week I regaled you all with the Fifty Shades of Grey style beating I took, but I have to say, compared to this week, last week was a walk in the park. Albeit a physically abusive walk in the park, but a walk in the park nonetheless. Yeah, you heard that right. I have taken the pounding of a lifetime this week and went a solid 0-5 in all of my leagues. Hey, even the best of us have to be put in our place sometimes and it seems that Week 3 was that week for me. I am not used to being in the position of a submissive and I honestly don’t like it. For me, being able to put you men in your place and school you on how things are done is what really gets me off. So now I am left wanting and non-satiated. One of two things is going to happen now. I will either make the blood sacrifice to the Black Widow Curse and appease her for my own gratification, or it will backfire mercilessly. I am hoping for the former. Speaking of the Black Widow Curse, she continues to maintain her consistency, it seems, and spent Week 3 feasting on your rosters again. Players are dropping faster than panties at a Wayne Newton concert. Granted, they are your mom and grandma’s panties, but panties nevertheless. See how evil I am? I managed to get you to think about your mom’s panties in an article about fantasy football. Anyhoo, I suppose you all came here for more than to just admire my wit and my gorgeous face (seriously??). For now, it seems I am going to have to wait until Week 4 to reclaim my dominance but in the meantime, I can give you all what you want. Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and perverts, have your cash in hand because here comes Week 4’s edition of Hit it or Quit it.
Wendell Smallwood, RB, Philadelphia – Another year, another Smallwood innuendo. Despite the unfortunate name, he does seem to keep finding a way into my articles season after season. Now, look, I am not one to ever condone a (uh hmm) Smallwood, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you are a Jay Ajayi and Darren Sproles owner, step away from the bottle of bleach you are about to down and just listen to me for one minute. Smallwood rushed 10 times for 56 yards and a touchdown while also managing to catch 3-of-5 targets in Week 3. Smallwood managed to outgain Corey Clement (which isn’t saying much with those pitiful 13 targets), but it was something. Listen, no one said that Fantasy Football was pretty, or sexy, or even non-embarrassing at times and this time is no exception. Do I think you can totally trust a Smallwood? No. He has had his share of fumbles when it was needed, but if you are a true Filthadelphia Homer and really want to make up for losing Ajayi and Sproles, you may have to settle for Smallwood. So, keep an eye out and if Ajayi and Sproles remain out, Smallwood is looking to be a Flex option in Week 4. I know, it’s not pretty and I am not happy about having to advocate for this, but again, desperate times…Hit it (just be ready to Quit it as quickly).
Calvin Ridley, WR, Atlanta – Just a few short weeks ago many analysts considered Ridley a watch in most formats, but after his performance in Week 3, I think he may be worth more than just a look right now. Ridley managed to pull in seven-of-eight targets for 146 yards and three, yes THREE, touchdowns in Week 3’s loss to the Saints. For good measure he also managed to tack on nine yards on his only carry as well. I have always said I like a man who can do more than one thing and a man who is good with his hands is even better. Do I expect this kind of enthusiasm from Ridley every week? No. No man is capable of maintaining that level of performance no matter what is at stake. But it is worth noting that Ridley is looking to be a 23-year-old with Matt Ryan’s eye and has seem 13 targets over the last two games. Should you consider him for a WR34/Flex player for Week 4? Yes. Oh, and as if you needed any more reason to get his number, the Falcons have the Bengals in Week 4. He does need to be added in all formats. Go on, Boo Boo, Hit it.
Baker Mayfield, QB, Cleveland – Yuck, I hate that I have to jump on the Mayfield train since running trains is really not my kind of thing in the first place. Add in that it’s Cleveland aka the place QB’s go to die (what happened to Bernie Kosar?) and it just has a whole lot of creepy yuck for me. However, sometimes one has to step out of their comfort zone and try a little something else, you know, for flavor. Even if that flavor is something sh** scented from Cleveland. So, when your only competition is Tyrod Taylor, the bar is set kind of low, but it seems to have worked out in Mayfield’s favor. Hue Jackson even admitted that “there’s still a lot of work to do” but believes Mayfield can handle it. We shall see. Cleveland has been death for many a QB with promise and there is nothing to say that Mayfield is any different. Nonetheless, QB’s went down faster that a couple at a Swinger’s Party this past weekend, so the pickin’s are slim. With Taylor out with a concussion, Mayfield has been named the new starter in Cleveland and Taylor managed to crap himself into a backup position when he is finally cleared. Look, I already told you that sometimes Fantasy Football isn’t pretty and sometimes you have to do things you are so ashamed of that you don’t want anyone to know. Picking up Mayfield would fall into that category, but if you need a QB, there are not a lot of options left. It’s last call, the lights came on, and the room is full of Mama June lookalikes. You need action. Suck it up, Buttercup and go on and Hit it. I promise not to judge.
Jimmy Garoppolo, QB, San Francisco – Another week, another ACL claimed by my Black Widow Curse. Oh, Jimmy, I am so heartbroken, but look at it this way, now you have all kinds of time to spend with your porn star chick, not to mention you will get some really sweet pain meds to help you through your recovery. It sucks, because even though he is not one of my Pats anymore, I was still rooting for the guy. Hell, he pulled us through some tough times (remember that bulls*** Brady suspension???) and we came out ok. Not to mention that he is really nice to look at. Oh, Jimmy, my heart aches for you. I am going to have to tell my reader’s to quit you this week, but much like a Brokeback Mountain-style relationship, I’ll never be able to quit you in my heart. Readers, I am sorry, no more Jimmy for you this season. You have to Quit it. (Jimmy, call me, I will be more than happy to nurse you back to health with my special set of “skills”.)
John Ross, WR, Cincinnati – No, you are not reading this wrong and yes, he was on my quit it list from last week, but you suckers just didn’t listen and you wonder why the women in your lives are laughing at you and questioning your decision-making ability. I have to say that in all of the years I have been titillating you with my Hit it or Quit it, I do not think I have ever double bagged a player two weeks in a row (Jay, correct me if I am wrong). This is that week. Listen, through three games Ross has a pathetic and limp 5 catches for 27 yards. I am proud of the 6% of you who dropped him in the last week, but that number is much too low. Even with A.J. Green’s status up in the air, you would be making a better decision to have anonymous anal sex while using a dirty needle to shoot heroin, on a train in Eastern Europe on your way to a Youth Hostel than you would be if you chose to continue to hold onto Ross. I am not exaggerating either. He is Fantasy herpes and a good number of you are going to need that dose of Valtrex because you still insist on holding on to him with the hopes that he will deliver. New flash: He won’t. There is nothing in this universe that can justify me telling you to keep a bench spot open for him. Nothing. Not a single, damn, thing. Come on, Lovelies, you are so much better than this (even with your herpes). Quit it, Babes!
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have once again enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. I do plan on regaining my Dominant position over many of you this week, so prepare for a lashing. Again, remember, cash up front first please. My services are not cheap. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 4 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012.