Welcome back, my lovelies! As anticipated, this week has not fared any better for our gladiators of the gridiron. My black widow curse appears to have caused more injuries, and thereby claimed some more man souls for my glass trophy case. Don’t blame me; I stash them away for later. A girl has to eat, right? I can honestly say that this has been one of the most injury-heavy starts to an NFL season that I have ever bared witness to. How bad you ask? Well, it’s so bad, that players who have retired are now coming OUT of retirement and resigning with their previous teams. Really, James Harrison? Really?? Forget last call. We are now so desperate for starters that we have turned to the fantasy football version of online dating and are taking whatever is thrown at us in a desperate attempt to eke out some action. But, much like some of the creeps, weirdos, and freak show-quality genetic anomalies you find on online dating sites, we have learned that desperation leads to shame and regret. And shame and regret are two things that many of us are feeling right about now. So, with that, I give you this week’s Hit it or Quit it, with the hopes that you won’t need to drink away your shame with bootleg moonshine you made in your pappy’s bathtub.
Jordan Matthews – Look, we aren’t looking for perfection here. So-called “perfection” is sitting at home with a torn MCL, sprained ankle, hammy trouble, turf toe, or their monthly visitors (those cramps can be murder). We are looking for something to tide us over. Matthews caught eight passes for 59 yards with two touchdowns in Sunday’s win over the Washington Football Team. His two touchdowns came in the Red Zone where he completely beat Perry Riley up the middle. Yeah, Matthews isn’t playing in two-wide sets yet and expect some inconsistencies from Philly’s pass defense, but hey, we aren’t talking about marrying the guy, right? You have a hole to fill and Matthews is the guy to do it. So, suck up your pride, realize your standards are too high and Hit it.
Marvin Jones – He has been out with a sore foot, but has been practicing and is projected to return to the field following the Bengal’s week 4 bye. Mohamed Sanu may soon find himself out of bae positioning as Jones does seem to have the ability to overtake him and play opposite A.J. Green. If you can, snag him up now, especially if you already own Green in any leagues. At this point, we are looking for backups for our backups and Jones is a decent stash in 12-16 team leagues. At 15% owned, you really have nothing to lose by giving him a chance. So, like that good girl you heard about who might put out, give Jones and go and Hit it.
Jarvis Landry – Landry caught 3 of 7 targets for 24 yards and returned a 74-yard kickoff in the Dolphin’s loss to Kansas City this week. Sure, he dropped a pass, but he wasn’t the only one as it seems that many a player in the NFL has been stricken with a severe case of Stonehands (right, Victor Cruz?). Landry is running ahead of Rishard Matthews and Brandon Gibson, so that is also something to take into consideration. Sometimes we have to make decisions which aren’t pretty and you have to settle for a Paris Hilton over a Candice Swanepoel. So, look at Landry more like a “friends with benefits” scenario and Hit it.
Lorenzo Taliaferro – Did Bernard Pierce go down on you? Do you own or wish you had taken a chance with Justin Forsett when I told you to in week 2? Well no worries, because now you can redeem yourself for not listening to me and go snag Taliaferro before my Black Widow curse claims his soul as well. Tali rushed 18 times for 91 yards and a TD in the Raven’s week 3 win over the Browns. Sure, he wasn’t targeted in the passing game but showed that he is a better runner than Forsett, taking 18 carries to Forsett’s 11. It is unclear at this point when Pierce will come back from that thigh injury and with Kubiak’s backfield being what it is, expect Tali to see more work in Week 4 when they take on Carolina. Do yourself a favor and listen to me this time. It’s a sure thing. Hit it.
Garrett Graham – Is your tight end hurting? Graham may be the solution. He caught five passes for 41 yards in week 3 and was targeted 6 times in the game. Sure, he may be the number 4 option in the passing game, but this gives him some buy-low value as a TE2 since Houston seems to be a pretty run-heavy offense. You are on the prowl for a TE and Garrett wants to be your man. So, if you’re looking for a tight end hole to fill, grab a handful of Graham and Hit it.
Ryan Tannehill – Okay, look, it kills me that I have to put my fellow Aggie on this list, but let’s face it, Ryan, it’s just not working out. It’s not me, it’s you. Sacked four times, averaging 4.8 yards per attempt, and holding onto the ball way too long like you’re in love with it? Yeah, all the presser talk about Tanny being benched this coming week seems to make a ton of sense. He appears to be regressing rather than progressing. I own him in a few leagues but have not had the balls (figuratively of course) to start him at all this season. And it is a good thing I haven’t. He is currently at risk for an in-game benching and with a 5.03 YPA through 124 attempts, it is just disgraceful. Do yourself a favor and do what I am doing, breaking this off before we waste anymore time. We deserve better. Ryan, I’m afraid we have to Quit it.
Devonta Freeman – Obviously, when they were referring to Atlanta as “Hotlanta,” they weren’t talking about Freeman. He rushed 11 times for 12 yards…yeah, you read that right, 12 measly yards. Sure the game against the Bucs was a blowout, but all Freeman managed to do was just blow. With a soft fumble that he allowed to be tomahawked out from behind, he just did not seem to put in any effort. Ladies like a man who tries and ladies, Freeman is just not it. If you are thinking about stashing him in any of your 12-team leagues, think again. He isn’t worth your time and seems like he’d just lay there and make you do all the work. Do yourself a favor and Quit it while you can.
Danny Amendola – Many of you know that I am a huge Patriots fan, so you know that this hurts me more than it hurts most of you. Much like Torrey Smith, Amendola is one game away from showing up on a milk carton. He has not been involved in the offense for the Pats at all this season and is moving closer and closer to being a weekly inactive. The one target he has had this season, he managed to drop in the endzone from 2 yards out. The Pats are using three-receiver sets with Julian Edelman, Kenbrell Thompkins, and Brandon LaFell, which leaves little to no room for Danny boy. This is a relationship which should have ended a while ago, but no one had the nerve to tell Amendola. If you own him, I am sorry, but it is time to move on and Quit it.
Larry Fitzgerald – Look, I am in the same boat as you all with this one. I own Fitzy in multiple leagues and have started him week after week with little to no results. He is not being utilized as the receiver he once was and the Cardinals coaching staff have said as much. I am a loyal Pitt fan and have watched Fitzy come up since his Wanny days, but let’s face it, he will never been seen or utilized as he was. He caught 3 of 7 targets for 34 yards this week, but went catchless for the first three quarters of the game. He also barfed up a fumble this week and seems to be losing out on work to Michael Floyd and John Brown. Sure, Stanton seemed to rekindle his love for Fitzy last week, but it seems like it was more of a booty call than a rekindling of an old flame. As much as it hurts me to say this, it is time for Fitzy and I to Quit it.
So, there you have it my lovelies. It is not pretty, but I can almost guarantee that your rosters are not all that attractive right now either. With players going down faster than Kim Kardashian at an NAACP convention, we are all doing what we need to do to get through the next week. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Until next week, follow me on Twitter for all of my Fantasy Football musings, commentary, and general awesomeness.