Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. I have to tell you right now, I am about ¾ of a bottle in on this Jameson, so I cannot be held responsible for any advice you may decide to take today.
Well, it has been a rough weekend on many counts for your Goddess this week and none of that rough play was fun in any way, shape, or form. The beatings I took this week make Fifty Shades of Grey look like a Judy Blume book. IF you don’t know who Judy Blume is it’s because you are not a girl and did not have to rely on a book to talk to you about your period. But I digress. Yeah, it was a tough one all around and I went a sad 2-3 this week in all of my leagues, but those two wins were nothing to flaunt. But, hey, it is what it is. The fantasy gods giveth, and they also taketh away. Is it just me or does it seem like this season is getting off (giggity) to a rather bumpy start? Lots of handsy fumblings in the dark kind of bumpy. Great, now I am having high school party flashbacks…or was that Saturday night? Anyway, it has been a mess and I can say for me, this season has not been very enjoyable. Thank God I have that box of toys under my bed to perk my spirits up. Oh, what would I do without you? Probably throw myself into a precipice, but again, I digress. So, let’s get down to the meat and bones of why you are here. You are here, again, because you love me and, let’s face it, you need to suckle at the teat for the weekly nourishment I offer. Go ahead, tell me I am wrong…I’ll wait. Right, I didn’t think so. So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, convicts and peepers I give you Week 5’s Hit It or Quit It (sponsored by Irish Whiskey). Enjoy the feast.
Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB, Tampa Bay – Well, it was bound to happen, because it always does, but the beard is no longer sexy and yes, it seems that old Ryan was burned at the stake for practicing his Fitzmagic. It does not seem like that long ago I was begging people in my one league to let me have a go at him because as I had mentioned, that beard was one of the sexiest things I have seen in a long time (I don’t get out much). But I also had Tyrod Taylor and I needed to quit him for the flavor of the week. That flavor is now fecal flavored. How do I know what feces tastes like? That’s none of your damn business and I thank you to stay out of my personal affairs. Now, getting back to the exorcism at Soldier Field, what a sh** show, huh? Naturally, when I get involved all players either become Black Widowed or just seem to have a brain fart regarding their jobs. This week was no different. Reportedly Coach Dirk Koetter made mention that Fitzpatrick was “two plays away from a benching” (oooh, kinky) in Week 3. He was able to turn that outing around, but in Week 4, all of the “magic” was gone from his wand. Fitzpatrick was benched in lieu of Jameis Winston at the start of the third quarter. Looks like Fitzpatrick knows who the HBIC in Tampa is, and like a psycho girlfriend, Winston showed that he was not willing to be replaced so easily. Look, we are all way too familiar with Ryan Fitzpatrick to know that the high was not going to last. At least he is consistent in something, disappointment. I’m ditching the beard this week because no matter how sexy I still think it is, a man who can not perform is no man for me. Quit it.
Taywan Taylor, WR, Tennessee – It is Week 5 and I know many of you are seeking a new WR already, which does not bode well for your teams. I am with you, though. I, myself, and looking for a good pair of hands to take care of weekly business for me, and it seems Taylor may be it. Taylor hauled in seven passes in Week 4 out of nine targets, and racked up 77 yards. I know there was a lot of talk and speculation with Rishard Matthews being out how Taylor would size up, and it seems he’s packing what many fantasy owners (including myself) are missing. Taylor is currently working as a clear number two receiver and in Week 4 he was used…a lot. Many analysts are referring to Taylor as “as talented as they come” and that is all I need to hear. Talent and come are two of my favorite words. Come on, babydoll, do I really need to say it? Hit it.
Nyheim Hines, RB, Indianapolis – Here we are again and I am once again being forced to talk about Indianapolis. I spent a decent night there once, but it is not somewhere I would want to stay. However, that does not mean that good things can’t come out of there. Enter Nyheim Hines. In Week 4, Hines totaled 73 yards and 2 touchdowns. Sure, the Colts lost, but that is not too shabby for someone who is only owned in about 15% of leagues. Hines rushed four times for 10 yards and caught 9-of-11 passes for 63 yards. Those 11 targets tied with Chester Rogers for a team lead on the day. It also seems that Andrew Luck is forming a very trusting bond with Hines which could lead to a lot of scoring…on the field, you pervert! Ok, let’s face it, anyone who’s anyone knows that the Colts have a sh** run game and this emergence of Hines may be their saving grace. He can safely be rostered in all formats. Go on, Love…Hit it.
Taylor Gabriel, WR, Chicago – Two Taylors in one article? Not to mention Chicago AND Indianapolis references? Those of you who have been loyal to me since the beginning know that the one night in Indy lead to one night in Chicago. Granted, I would rather forget both of those nights, but in all honesty, at the time, it was soooo worth it. But again, I digress. Prior to Week 4, Taylor Gabriel had only managed a very flaccid 89 yards on 15 catches in the first three games of the season. Something happened in Week 4 though and Gabriel managed to post a career-high 104 yards and two touchdowns. Something to take note of: this is the third game in a row Gabriel has managed to see at least seven targets. While we were all listening to Ditka butcher the National Anthem in Chicago this week, the Bears seem to have secretly developed their offense. Granted, Chicago has a bye in Week 5, but that will give you more time to snatch (giggity) him up before that cuck in your league starts taking me seriously. Coming off of Week 5, Gabriel should be a strong FLEX option against Miami. At just 6% owned in most leagues, you just might get lucky, lover. Hit it.
Will Dissly, TE, Seattle – I take full responsibility for this one. I had Dissly up until Week 3 and dropped him for one of my Hit it’s from last week. Normally the Black Widow Curse hits when I pick up a player that I need, but this one seemed to hit after I dropped. Either its timing was off, or I dodged a bullet on this one. I know, look, I am not proud to admit that I owned Dissly in one of my leagues, but it is what it is. I’ll own that sh**. Granted it was not an ACL, upon which the Black Widow prefers to feast, but it was close. In Week 3, Dissly managed to tear his patellar tendon and with that, his rookie season is over. I am not going to regale you with his Week 4 stats, because, let’s be honest, who cares right? You really don’t need any more convincing from me and I certainly am not going to Cosby you into doing it. Just Quit it.
Chris Hogan, WR, New England – What a difference a season makes, right? I mean, it is not like Hogan was a top 10 or even a top 15 WR before, but he was able to step up and take care of business last year when he was needed. It also irks me that I have to put one of my beloved Pats on the quit it list this week, but if anything that should show you my impartiality towards this bitch of a game we play year after year. In Week 3, Hogan managed 1-of-1 target for 25 yards. This was the first game of the season where he drew less than four looks from the beautiful eyes of Tom Brady (they are gorgeous, so don’t even try to argue with me). As if you needed any more reasons why this is a legit drop, Julian Edelman comes back in Week 5 following his bullsh** suspension. Lastly, the addition of Josh Gordon makes Hogan look less and less attractive. Sure, I don’t expect Gordon to get a lot of playing time because it behooves the Pats to not use him as much for a better draft pick in next season’s draft, but even still, there are many more attractive targets out there for you to prey on. You are slumming at this point and my loyal horde should never lower themselves to slum lest ye be cast from the dungeon. My loyalists know I am a diehard Pats fan, so if I have one on here, you know it is a solid quit it.
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have once again enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. The whiskey is kicking in so now is your chance to take advantage of the situation. Always remember I only take cash up front. As you know my services are not cheap. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 5 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012.