Hello my lovelies!  Welcome back to another rousing rendition of Hit it or Quit it.  Sorry I have been AWOL the past two weeks, but the Feds were catching up to me and I had to give them the slip and head off the grid for a while.  It is all good.  I found some other patsy to take the fall.  Men can be so gullible sometimes.  How was your Week 5?  Mine was sweet.  Coming off a horrifically embarrassing Week 4, my Week 5 was one for the record books.  The poor bastards I played this week never knew what hit them.  Much like Mason Rudolph.  I am sure that dude saw his dead grandmother AND Santa after that hit.  Being a woman in this world of male-dominated fantasy virgins is a bit complex sometimes, and sure, there have been leagues I have not been invited back to because I won, but what would you expect from a Fantasy Goddess such as myself?  Men can have such fragile egos sometimes, yet you all keep coming back to me week after week for me to lay down my wisdom, so you too, can dominate your leagues.  I thank you for that.

It seems the Black Widow Curse is in full swing this season and is taking no prisoners. I thought she claimed Edelman after gnawing on his chest, so I sat him this week, thereby leaving 21.00 points on my bench.  Oh, well, I still managed to embarrass the person I was matched against despite that loss of points.  Such is the world of Fantasy Football.  No one is perfect, but I am about as close to it as one can humanly be.  So, let us get down to brass tacks here, ladies and gents and get on with why you are really here.  Without further ado, here you are my loyal horde; Week 6 Hit it or quit it.

Gardner Minshew, QB, Jacksonville Jaguars

I appreciate a good porn ‘stache as much as the next girl, so I felt it necessary to toss this one in here so we could all take a ride.  Owned at just 24% in most leagues, Minshew completed 26-of-44 passes for 374 yards and two touchdowns in the Jags Week 5 loss to Carolina.  Sure, there were some not so pretty moments, particularly two fumbles off sacks and another on a blown handoff, but had those screw-ups not happened, the Jags could have easily won the game.  Despite this, Minshew does seem to find a way to win games. Look I know it is not pretty, but come one, the ‘stache is worth it.  We are getting into Week 6 here, folks.  That is the equivalent of 2am and the lights in the dive bar you frequent are coming on.  No one has to know you did it, but you need a Quarterback.  Go for it and take that mustache ride.  Hit it, Dumplin.

Robby Anderson, WRT, New York Jets

Throughout time, there have been many good duos.  Bonnie and Clyde, Harry and Lloyd, Sonny and Cher…so it goes without saying that some folks wouldn’t be anything without their sidekick.  Anderson is one of those people.  Without Sam Darnold, Robby Anderson is fading into oblivion like that big rock creature in the Neverending Story when the Nothing came to take it.  Ok, so maybe that is a little over dramatic, but you cannot disagree that 1-of-3 targets for 16 yards in Week 5 was not worth a lot of owners’ time.  Frankly, for the past three weeks (one of which was a bye) Anderson has struggled to break 3.00 points for his owners.  As of this article, he has managed a measly 8/108 receiving on 14 total targets without Darnold.  The Jets have Dallas in Week 6, so unless you are really desperate (or just a moron), Anderson is nothing more than a WR4.  You can do so much better, lovey.  Go on, quit it.

Gerald Everett, TE, Los Angeles Rams

Ahh, yes, another Tight End for me to feast upon.  I simply love them.  Hey, what can I say?  I’m a sucker for a nice pair of shoulders and TE’s seem to have the best on the planet.  At just 10% owned in most leagues, Everett has been working his way into TE2 territory this season.  Week 5 saw him bring in 7-of 11 targets for 136 yards.  His two receptions were career bests for Everett and he also got the eye eight more times than Tyler Higbee.  As of Week 5, he is up to 12/180/1 over the past two games alone.  The Rams have the ‘Niners in Week 6 so Everett has some streaming option there.  Do you really need any more ammo?  Go on, Puddin’. Hit it.

Darrel Williams, RB, Kansas City Chiefs

Week 5 saw Williams like a leper at a virgin prom…touchless.  He is taking a backseat to Damien Williams and LeSean McCoy and only played 13 snaps.  If Williams wants to see more action, he may have to go full Black Swan and knock a bitch down the stairs.  Right now, he is just too far down the pecking order to show any value to any of you.  And you are all worth it, so I am only looking out for you.  You don’t need this kind of hassle and deserve someone who will fulfill all of your needs.  It goes without saying….Quit it.

Auden Tate, WR, Cincinnati Bengals

Sometimes a hit it isn’t pretty, but it has to be, simply because.  This is one of those cases.  Look, I don’t like this one any more than you do.  Two drops on an opening drive, one of which had touchdown potential…yeah, not pretty.  However, the truth of the matter is, with A.J. Green out and John Ross looking at an 8-game layup, Tate is all they really have left.  If he can clean his act up, he is able to, realistically, pick up the 8.0 targets Ross saw on the regular, but he has to get his hands in order first.  The Bengals have Baltimore in Week 6, and with their weak secondary, he has potential to produce.  He can’t fully be trusted, however and there is always a chance he won’t be able to produce (ugh, how many times that has happened to me with men, you can’t even imagine).  So, this is a cautionary hit it.  Use protection.

Well, once again that is everything I have to offer this week.  As always, I hope it was worth the money. I also hope that I continue to help you fill some holes, wherever they may be.  As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am the one with the article.  So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs.  Best of luck in Week 6!

 

 

Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012

  1. Charles Parton says:
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    The fantasy within fantasy

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      Everything we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

      • Charles Parton says:
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        Lol, i kinda wanna join a deep league to have real reasons to comment and follow now.

      • Charles Parton says:
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        My comment made no sense. You’re not the deep league lady. I’m confused with the baseball lady on razzball lol. Sorry if that makes me another disappointing man lol

  2. Yes says:
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    /insert dick joke here

    I won’t start any silly rumors such as you were in fact the individual responsible for passing mono onto ole Sammy D…

    But Darnold and Robby’s connection was always a bright spot on a sad jets team, ye have no faith regardless?

    • Jennifer

      Jennifer says:
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      I can neither confirm nor deny the mono origin action rumors, nor will I…

      Was there a Laverne without Shirley? A BLT without the lettuce and tomato? Bonnie without Clyde? Gonorrhea without Penicillin? I’ll let you make the call but much like the ying without the yang, there is imbalance in the force.

      • Yes says:
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        For my safety I’m not going near them with a ten foot pole, or any pole shaped object. Thanks for the sage wisdom senpai…

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