Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. This week has been another pound fest for your all-knowing Goddess. I went 4-1 this week and that 1 is really sticking in my…throat. See, what many of you are not aware of is I am a giver. And being such I made the decision in my Razzball RCL this year to stock my team with nothing but sleepers and waiver wire meat. As a result, I am currently 0-5 in that league with it not looking up anytime soon. C’est la vie. Let it be known that I like to give you all your money’s worth and emasculating men in every one of my leagues (albeit fun for me) does not help my reading base grow. And if there is one thing you, my faithful Horde know, is that I am quite the master of making things grow.
Although I did not lose anyone to my Black Widow Curse this week, many of you laid sacrifice upon her alter in the hopes of quenching her insatiable appetite. As a consequence, you now have holes which you have come to me to help you plug. As always, that costs extra, but you have come to the right place. As anyone who has been faithful to me since the very beginning can tell you, I know my way around and with a little time spent with me, I can teach you how to get those needs met. So, without further foreplay, let me give you what you came for. Ladies and gentlemen, perverts and peepers, get ready for Week 6’s Hit it or Quit it.
Keke Coutee, WR, Houston – We are approaching Week 6 and with all of the feasting my Black Widow Curse has been doing in the last five weeks, it is no wonder we have to now look into the annals of the wire to find someone or something that can fill our holes the way we need and deserve. Enter Keke Coutee. As expected, Coutee stepped up in Week 5 for an injured Will Fuller and did not disappoint. Week 5 Coutee hauled in 6-of-7 passes for 51 yards and a touchdown, which happened to be Houston’s only TD of the game. Sure, he had to leave for a little bit in the second half to be checked for a concussion, but he returned after being cleared. Ok, I am going to be honest with you here. If you expect him to have the same amount of consistency week after week, you are going to be disappointed, and I don’t want that to happen, Pumpkin. But, for now, Coutee has the prowess of a WR3/FLEX for Week 6, and right now, that ain’t so bad. You know you can do a lot worse at this stage in the game, so what are you waiting for? Hit it.
Frank Gore, RB, Miami – Ok, you may think one of two things right now. Either I am drunk (always a possibility) or I am so desperate I am grabbing for anything that is willing to come within arm’s length of me, like a Praying Mantis. Well, much like the Mantis, I do tend to devour my conquests after coitus, but once again, I digress. Look, you need an RB. You came to me to help you hook up. This is the best you are going to get in this stage of the game on the wire. At 10% owned in most leagues, Gore managed to lead the Dolphins in carries in Week 4. In Week 5 he rushed 12 times for 63 yards and continues to out carry Kenyan Drake. Some word of caution. It looks like Miami is going to use Gore in a committee with Drake (kinky), but if the Dolphins are trailing, don’t expect to see Gore put in a lot of work. On the other side, if Drake continues to disappoint, Gore has the potential to move himself into FLEX consideration. So, yeah, it could work out for you, or it could go horribly awry. But, hey, this is fantasy football. To caution be damned! No, seriously, use protection. You can use this one if you need to. For now, Hit it.
Marquez Valdes-Scantling, WR, Green Bay – Much like Showgirls, we have to wait for the HBIC to go down before we get our time to shine, and that is what seems to be happening in Cheeseville. I am not going to tell you what kind of cheese just came to mind there, let’s just say you need to wash your balls. Anyhoo, with Randall Cobb hamstringed and Geronimo Allison concussed, that has paved the way for Valdes-Scantling to step up in the dick measuring contest. He managed 7-of-10 targets for 68 yards and one TD in the Packers Week 5 loss to Detroit. MVS scored a three-yard touchdown on the first drive of the third quarter and was unlucky enough to have a second TD called back following a call that he was down. The 10 targets MVS saw were third behind Davante Adams and Jimmy Graham. It is looking like Allison will be back this week but it is pretty certain that my Black Widow Curse insured that Cobb would be out for longer, so for now, you can continue to ride MVS until something better comes along. Once Cobb and Allison are back, MVS will disappear into obscurity, so while the getting is good, Hit it.
Randall Cobb, WR, Green Bay – Do I really need to repeat myself and get into this again with you? Didn’t you pay attention in my previous Hit it before we got to the Quit its? Randall Cobb is hamstringed and if Leonard Fournette has taught me anything, hamstring injuries in the NFL seem to take weeks upon weeks to heal. Still not convinced? Do I need to remind you again that Allison will more than likely be back soon and with Adams and MVS in play, Cobb could probably stay out the rest of the season and collect his fat paycheck. With the Packers receiver situation being what it is, your wife or girlfriend could probably tell you that it has all the makings of an afternoon soap opera. I know, you are a little hesitant to drop him given all he has done for you and that is understandable. But look, Poopie, you need someone who is going to perform for you right now, and again, like I am dealing with Fournette, having a hammed up player taking up space on your bench and trying to find room to add someone who can and will actually play sometimes requires balls the size of watermelons. Do what you want. It is only a suggestion, but I am going with Quit it.
Antonio Gates, TE, Los Angeles – Someone in one of my leagues actually drafted Gates in that infamous TE round of the draft, and I laughed and laughed and laughed. Sure, maybe 5 years ago it would’ve made sense (probably not though) but now, Gates has all but disappeared in Los Angeles’s offense. In Week 5, he caught both of his targets for a whopping 19 yards and garnered his faithful with a HUGE, throbbing 2.90 fantasy points in some leagues. In the last three games he has posted a 7-90-1 line and then we have Virgil Green making him look like a cuck week after week by digging into his snaps. I understand why he is 58% owned in most leagues…if this were 2004 or 2009, but it’s not, Love. I know you are trying to make something happen here, but I think the spark is gone from this love affair. Look, I don’t like it any more than you do, because Lord knows Gates has saved my ass many a season, but living in the past is not healthy. I am sorry, Sweet Pea. It is time to Quit it.
Jay Ajayi, RB, Philadelphia – Filth, filth, Filthadelphia…you knew it was coming. I have to say that this one really pisses me off. Not because I own him in any leagues, but because in one of my leagues the person I played had him and because of him I lost that game. Now that I don’t have to play that person again, Ajayi is out. If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all, but I thrive in the black recesses of the soul and I will have my vengeance. That being said, Ajayi was the latest sacrificial lamb to the insatiable appetite of my Black Widow Curse and we all know how he loves to feast upon ACL’s the most. It needs to be said that in an act of badassery, Ajayi did play the entire second half of Sunday’s game on a torn ACL. This has just been the latest in a string of bad luck for the Eagles’ backfield. In a previous article I told you to hit Wendell Smallwood and it seems for those of you who did not listen to me then now find yourselves in a bit of a ball gag. Other than Smallwood, Josh Adams is the only healthy alternative on this sh**show of a team. Sorry, Filthadelphia, this one is a great big Quit it.
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have once again enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. As always bribes are accepted as payment to stave off the curse, but as you know, souls are preferred. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 6 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012.