Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. Although I want to say that I took a pounding this week, I am happy to say that it was not in Fantasy Football. Hey, you have your hobbies, and I have mine. Your Goddess went a respectable 4-1 this week, with that one loss being the sacrificial Razzball Contributor’s Black Widow League in which I opted to play the submissive, rather than the Dominatrix (I save that for my other leagues). Sometimes we all have to make sacrifices and this time I opted to throw my body upon the pyre and only pick up those I write about in that league, so I can give you firsthand experience. Alas, that league is a pathetic 0-for and it really sticks in my throat since those of you who know me know that I hate to lose. So, I opt to drown out the memory with whiskey…lots and lots of whiskey.
The curse spared me this week. How did you fare? That being said, Leonard Fournette has been sitting deep in the closet in one of my leagues and I am dying to whip him out and have some fun. Only the Black Widow knows when and if that will happen. In the meantime, I am making due with the lovely specimens which are coming my way via my other leagues. Guys, look, I honestly take no pleasure in whipping the Holy sh** out of you in your leagues week after week, but it is what you pay for, and I am a woman of the people, so…Oh, who am I kidding, I absolutely LOVE beating the Holy sh** out of you week after glorious week. It does more for me than the array of toys in that special box under my bed, and that is really saying something.
Ok, I know, I seem to be rambling while I bask in the Week 6 slain carcasses which lay before me and you didn’t pay extra for the emasculation this week, so I will move on and get to what brought you here. Ladies and Gentlemen, Convicts and Perverts, your wait is over. I give you Week 7, Hit it or Quit it.
Kenny Stills, WR, Miami – Many of you have been around in my male harem long enough to know how the Black Widow Curse works. Well, it seems that she is finally on to you and rather than feasting on ACL’s and ankles week after week (oh, she still does from time to time), she has seemingly taken to wiping players in to irrelevance. Enter Kenny Stills. All name puns aside, Stills was held to one lowly catch for 35 yards in Week 6. Prior to that, he posted up an uninspiring zero anything for the previous four quarters. Week 5 saw Stills attempting to please his owners with roughly 2.00 fantasy points which were only outdone by his 6.00 points in Week 6. He hasn’t really pleased anyone who is anyone so far this season and really has only managed about 40 receiving yards just once in the past five games. There are so many better options out there right now, some of whom are in this very article. I tell you this week after week and year after year: You are something special and you should never settle. Go on, Buttercup, Quit it.
C.J. Uzomah, TE, Cincinnati – What is remarkable is I do believe this is the second week in a row I included a Bengal? I may have to go back and check. Hell, I’ve done worse, so let’s move on. The Tight End situation in the league right now is less than stellar, so when one makes himself known, you best stop and take a peek. C.J. Uzomah caught six passes for 54 yards in Week 6 against the Steelers. It is important to note that those seven targets were tied into the mix with Tyler Boyd and A.J. Green. If this does not show you how important Uzomah is to this offense, then I don’t know what will. Do I need to remind you that Tyler Eifert basically knocked his foot off of his ankle and won’t be back anytime soon? Right now, Uzomah is bringing some TE1 streamer appeal because Tyler Kroft is also hobbling around in a walking boot. Jesus, if your name is Tyler in Cincy, you better make that blood sacrifice otherwise you may lose an appendage! Yeah, I am talking to you, Boyd! Ok, sorry, I went off on a tangent there for a while. Where was I? Oh yeah, don’t be a dildo, Hit it.
Marlon Mack, RB, Indianapolis – Ugh, it seems I cannot get away from Indy no matter how hard I try. Yeah, that one night I spent there was pretty sweet, but honestly, I would rather forget it, but, like herpes, it keeps finding a way to reappear…NOT on me, for Christ’s sake! Instead, I have another miserable experience where Mack gave me an impotent 4.00 points one week, and he was unable to deliver the rest of the time and didn’t give me anything. I know that I can be intimidating and I know that the damn Black Widow Curse sticks to me like white on rice, but that was just ridiculous. I quit him. Then, lo and behold he rushes 12 times for 89 yards and caught 1-of-2 targets in Week 6. Yeah, that is nothing to pop a chubby about, I know, but knowing that he didn’t even give me anything while we were together, this was the equivalent of seeing an ex with someone hotter than you. Yeah, I know what you are saying, “My Goddess, there is no one hotter than you”! And you would be right, so you could imagine my surprise in my research this week that Mack was on top of the Waiver Wire adds. One does have to remember that the backfield situation in Indy is a gangbang and Mack has shown he can be limited, so this one, like many a gangbang, could go either way. Exes are exes for a reason, but sometimes they come back into your life and give you that one good bang and Week 7 maybe it for you and Mack. Go on, Poopie, Hit it, but be cautious.
Giovani Bernard, RB, Cincinnati – What in the actual hell, Cincy! Again? Yeah, this one stings a little. I am a very nostalgic person and most recently I have been hit with waves of nostalgia in other things other than football. Then this happens. Many moons ago, when I was just a novice Goddess, I relied on Gio to get me through some pretty tough weeks. And he gave me what I needed. He was always there for me. When in doubt, he would rush in and save the day for me. Since then, I have not done the “damsel in distress” act very well and Gio and I have not had anything going on together for a couple of seasons now, but again, that still does not take the sting off this one. Right now, Gio is out 2-4 weeks with an MCL sprain. I had that happen once and even busting my ass in PT, it still took me a good 8-12 weeks before I was back on the field. To this day I can still feel when it is about to rain. Yeah, the knee knows. We are over the halfway mark in the season and the Curse is in full swing. You need to make room on your roster, I get it. If it has to be Gio, then I get it too. I am here to help you do it with dignity and grace and perhaps weep on each other’s shoulders while you do it. Just a word of warning though, crying is most certainly extra. You need to make room. Gio has a bum knee. We are entering Week 7. Do it. Quit it.
Taylor Gabriel, WR, Chicago – If you read any article about Taylor Gabriel this week you will see the words “deep” and “huge” accompany his name. Those two words remind me of someone else, but that is none of your damn business and I’ll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs! In Week 6, Gabriel roped in all five targets for an impressive 110 yards and tossed in a nine-yard rush for good measure. This was the second 100-yard receiving game for the youngster who made some big plays on some deep balls from Mitchell Trubisky in the second quarter. Wow, I am getting so good at innuendo, I bet you missed those last ones, didn’t you? Now you are going back to see if you can find them…gotcha! Anyway, it is looking like Gabriel is the messenger Angel for the Bears and that message is, “I’m young, I’m talented, and you want me.” Honestly, that is my message too, but I think Gabriel may have me beat on that one this time, at least with the age piece, anyway. Look, I want to end our time together this week on a positive, because that’s how I get repeat business. At just 22% owned in most leagues, you want Gabriel to go deep and huge on you. Go on, Sunshine! Hit it!
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have once again enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week. As always bribes are accepted as payment to stave off the curse, but as you know, souls are preferred. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 7 all, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012