Hello, my lovelies and welcome back to yet another enthralling rendition of Hit it or Quit it. As you all know, I am your gorgeous and ever omnipotent Fantasy Goddess, here to make all your dreams come true.
How did you all fare in Week 6? I have to say, I was demolished this week, since this was my bye week in many of my leagues. We all have that one dreadful week where we are basically playing ground-screw and concession stand people to fill those holes. I did not win a single game this week, but c’estla vie, sh** happens. The Black Widow Curse continues to feast upon anything she can get her hands on this season and as the years go on, she seems to become more and more insatiable. I can’t blame her. All I can do is bow to her and hope my devotion allows her to look away and leave my players alone. As crappy as I did this week, my Patriots are 6-0, so I honestly can’t complain. Being a Patriots fan living in Pittsburgh also helps to fuel my sense of satisfaction as well, so once again….can’t complain.
I am sure you are all eager to see what I lay on you this week and I have to say that I can’t blame you. I mean, it is why you come back week after week, because, let’s face it, I am awesome. So, without further ado, ladies and gents, convicts and inmates, here you go. Week 7 Hit it or Quit it.
O.J. Howard, TE, Tampa Bay
Ugh, it pains me to have to keep putting TE’s on here week after agonizing week. Are there any decent ones left out there anymore? I know there is (before someone tries to mansplain it to me); it was a figure of speech. Although there may be some desirables out there, O.J. Howard is not one of them. In Week 6 it is ok to admit that Howard was pretty much wallpaper. A cuckhold if you will as he was a clear non-factor. Catching a sad 2-of-4 targets for an impotent 35 yards pretty much says it all, when you consider Winston tossed the ball 51 times that game. There is some speculation that going into the bye this week that this could be some time for the Bucs to get Howard more involved in the offense, but let’s face it, he just does not seem to fit in, in the Bruce Arians model. Much like his namesake, it is probably best if we all just forget he exists before he murders anyone’s chances at a fantasy championship. Jump in your white Bronco, hit the freeway and quit it.
Kenyan Drake, RB, Miami
I totally understand there are some Homers out there, that no matter how bad their team sucks, they continue to load their rosters with hometown boys. Why anyone would roster any Dolphins this season is beyond me. I can only assume you are heavy into Sadism, in which case, lick my boots. Sure, I get your argument Drake was clearly the number two back in the rotation this week and sure, he ended up with the most touches, but so does some anonymous creeper on the subway when the lights flicker on and off. Using these reasons for holding onto Drake is the same logic as saying you’re the smartest kid on the short bus. Look, ultimately you are going to do what you are going to do, Homer. I get it. It’s the same reason I load up with Patriots. The only difference is, my team wins. Let’s get real here, Drake is difficult to trust moving forward, especially dragging that flaming dumpster of a team chained around his neck. Stop selling yourself short and move on. Quit it.
Baker Mayfield, QB, Cleveland
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (deep breath) ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ok, I am not going to lie, I peed a little there, I was laughing so hard. For years, the Cleveland Curse for Quarterbacks has been in full effect, yet players keep getting excited to be drafted. I get it. You’re young, you need the money, but man, everyone knows Cleveland is where QBs go to die. Let’s face it, when a sex act involving shi*t is named after your city, there isn’t much room to improve. Baker Mayfield (and his dance moves) is learning this rather quickly following his “three-picks and a tweaked hip” display in Week 6. He completed 22-of-37 passes for 249 yards and one touchdown. Ok, I will give him the fact that he added four carries for an additional 35 yards, but even a wounded deer will run for miles before falling over dead. Throwing behind his receivers has become the norm for Mayfield as well as dishing them up short. If you are hoping the Sophomore QB would improve, well, the only thing in Cleveland that grows is the crime rate. Mayfield is on his way to a Kosar-Manzielesque oblivion a la Cleveland. Ok, I am done with this one. You know what to do. RIP, Mayfield. Quit it.
Josh Allen, QB, Buffalo
I normally only like to focus on the lesser knowns and lesser owned, but this season is causing me to have to step out into halfsies territory since many of the lesser knowns are either quits or victims of the Black Widow Curse. At 52% owned in most leagues, it is a wonder why Allen is so available. He completed 23-of-32 passes for 219 yards and two touchdowns in Buffalo’s Week 5 win against Tennessee. Week 6 was a bye week, so Allen is going in rested for Week 7. Sure, he had a pretty turnover heavy game against my beloved Patriots, but that is to be expected and, in all fairness, he was sacked four times. Going into Week 7, Allen is looking like a QB1 option against Miami. But, let’s face it, my dead grandmother would be a QB1 against Miami, but who is counting? With the way things are going for many a fantasy team this year and heading into byes, you could do a lot worse than Allen. Don’t be a pu**y. Hit it.
Chase Edmonds, RB, Arizona
Yep, we have reached this portion of the fantasy season where my picks are about as attractive as the townie barfly who’s beer gut rivals yours. But it is what it is, and beggars can’t be choosers. At just 32% owned in most leagues Edmonds rushed five times for 34 yards and managed to bring in a receiving touchdown in Arizona’s Week 6 win over Atlanta. Although David Johnson was a beast playing through his back injury, this did not leave a lot of opportunity for Edmonds, but the chances he did have, he really produced. If Johnson’s back injury eventually ends up winning out, this could open the door for some RB1 potential for Edmonds…or unless he goes all Black Swan and makes the opportunity himself, one can only speculate. Me, personally? I would opt for the Black Swan option, but that’s just me. Anyhoo…it goes without saying that Edmonds has some nice handcuff potential and you, my loyal horde, know how much I dig handcuffs. So, toss on the waterproof sheets, bust out the whips and chains, and get the handcuffs ready. Hit it.
Once again that is all I have to offer this week and you’ll just have to like it. As always, I hope it was worth the money but you and I both know that it was. I will continue to help you fill some holes, wherever they may be, as often as that may be. Love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the article. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 7!