Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of Innuendo. I missed you all last week but the Dungeon was due for a scrub down. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in here. It was unbelievable. One just can’t seem to find good cleaning help these days.
Aside from the bleachy scrubdown, it was a pretty good week for your Mistress. I went a respectable 5-0 this week. Yep, even in my sacrificial league I managed to eke out a win with a measly 95.00 points. I am convinced the person I was playing against was either kidnapped for organ harvesting or has a huge crush on me and decided to toss me a freebie. Either way, I was very appreciative. Hopefully, if his organs were harvested, they spared the eyes, because I don’t want to lose a loyal reader, especially when I didn’t profit from black market organ sales. If it was for crush reasons, thanks, Boo!
I was once again spared this week, but it seems like the Black Widow Curse had a feast of epic proportions on her favorite meal…ACL’s. That being said, I still have Leonard Fournette squatting on my roster and not paying any rent or fees. With the bye this week, I am optimistic I can and will be able to finally whip him out next week, but we shall see.
Halloween is tomorrow, so I am ready to give you all some treats (tricks for those of you who are diabetic or have no teeth) and I am sure you are eagerly waiting to see what tidbits I toss you this week. So, ladies and gentlemen, convicts and perverts, bow before me and worship as I give you what you all came for, Week 9, Hit it or Quit It.
Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB, Tampa Bay – Here we are again. Like some really toxic on again-off again relationship you know won’t end any differently than it did the last time, but you can’t stop yourself from taking him back. Yeah, that is what we are dealing with. In what seems to be a dick measuring contest, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Jameis Winston keep doing this really awkward/handsy dance where one seems to want to satisfy you for a while, gets bored, then the other steps up and does exactly the same thing. I am having déjà vu here. Fitzmagic appeared to be exorcised a few weeks back (I even wrote about it) but, like many unearthly beings that dwell in the darkest recesses of our souls, he has arisen. He came on to replace a pathetic Winston in the third quarter of Week 8 and managed to dish out 11-of-15 passes for 194 yards and two touchdowns. I had a coach once who always told me, “play your best, because there is always someone else who wants to replace you”. Hence the dick measuring contest. Fitzpatrick also added an 18-yard scramble and a two-fer with the help of Chris Godwin. Look, I don’t like it anymore than you do, but here are the facts, Winston has been too careless with the ball and Fitzpatrick seems to have cast a spell on the offense, so he will get the nod in Week 9. As we all know, this honeymoon phase won’t last, but for now, there is no reason you can’t ride it out for some added points. Go on, Buttercup. Hit it.
Carlos Hyde, RB, Jacksonville – Yuck. That is all I have to say about this. Look, I have been a Hyde owner in the past and sure, he has really done a lot for me. But that was the past, Sweetheart, and you are here to win. Hyde only rushed six times for a piddly 11 yards and did not catch either of his targets. Whoops! He was given the responsibility of lead back, but with that he was only able to produce eight yards on five carries. Leonard Fournette is expected to retuern after the Week 9 bye, but I am a Fournette owner in more than one league, so there is a good possibility he comes out for one play and his hamstring explodes like that guy’s head in Scanners. It is not clear right now what Hyde’s role will be if Fournette is able to make it back (and stay back). Stay back being the key point here. I know it may make you a tad uncomfortable to completely drop him, so we can take it slow. I would hold him for now to see how the curse fares with me and Lenny in Week 10. If he and I are spared, it may be safe to completely drop Hyde. For now, he is useless and can safely be tucked away on your bench until you grow man balls to drop him. Sorry, Puddin’, Quit it.
Devontae Booker, RB, Denver – The Black Widow decided to cleanse her palate with the ankle attached to Royce Freeman, which made room for Booker to step up. He posted 78 yards on nine carries and reigned in four catches for 23 yards on four targets in Week 8. He finished with a season high 101 yards, 76 of which came in the second half. Yeah, ok, he saw eight fewer touches than Phillip Lindsay, but at this point Booker is worth owning in most leagues while Freeman is out. Running Backs are becoming scarcer as we progress through the season and you know that there comes a time every year where you have to get down and dirty and do things you don’t want to do. You need a back. Booker can give you what you need…for now anyway. Go on, Lovey, Hit it.
Jameis Winston, QB, Tampa Bay – Up and down, round and round we go. Jameis Winston appears to have been on the receiving end of some dark Fitzmagic spells in Week 8 after tossing four interceptions against the Bengals…THE BENGALS! Jesus Christ…That’s not just a dark Fitzmagic spell, that’s conjuring Satan himself. The best part? Not one of those interceptions were the fault of anyone but Winston. After putting up about 33 fantasy points in Week 6, and 22 in Week 7, it seems Jameis’s head was writing checks his ass, err arm, couldn’t cash. His carelessness with the ball screamed “cocky mo-fo” and we all know how the fantasy gods take to this kind of blasphemy. Add Fitzpatrick on the sidelines with his cauldron, voodoo dolls, and blood sacrifices like some kind of poor man’s Pedro Cerrano, and you have one of the worst displays of professional football this season. Did this experience humble him at all? Who knows. What I do know is this carousel from Hell seems to keep going round and round with Winston and Fitzpatrick and it doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. Thank the Goddesses we are more than halfway through the season because my patience is wearing thin. For now, Winston is a bust, but hang onto him until the brain trust in Tampa Bay decides if they want to give him another shot in Week 9. If they don’t, you know what to do. Stop this ride, snag some crablegs, and Quit it.
D.J. Moore, WR, Carolina – As with any rookie (or virgin for that matter), you should always expect some yips early on until they get their sea legs, and such is the case with Moore. Even though he has contributed to some bonehead penalties and seems to struggle with mental errors (hello, yips) one cannot deny his energy and eagerness on the field. In Week 8, he caught 5-of-6 targets for 90 yards and added another 39 rushing yards on two attempts for good measure. Torrey Smith is out thanks to the Black Widow feasting on his knee, so this allowed Moore to get the start with Christian McCaffrey. Moore was able to shed some of those yips this week and tied with McCaffrey for number of targets. Who the hell knows with is going on with Smith, and it would be a good idea for the Panthers to quit it with him, and continue to rely on McCaffrey and Moore as their starters. But what do I know? I am just a woman who probably knows more about football than most men but because I have outstanding breasts, I just get stares and head nods when I talk. I’ll take it though. It gets me tons of free drinks at the bar. Anyway, if Moore manages to keep the starting job you can count on him to be a solid WR3/4 for you in this week’s matchup against the Carousel from Hell, aka Tampa Bay. If you can look past those yips and see the positive in the lad, I commend you. Again, it is late in the season and some of us are one injury away from starting Giuseppe, the grounds crew manager we recruited because we ran out of players. You can do a lot worse, you sexy beast. Go on, Hit it.
Well, that is it, my Lovelies. I hope you have once again enjoyed your time in the Dungeon this week now that it is all clean and doesn’t look like and underground cave formation anymore. Those loads really pile up. What’s a girl to do? Remember, bribes are accepted as payment to stave off the curse, but as you know, souls are preferred; the darker, the better. So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs. Best of luck in Week 9 all, Happy Halloween, don’t call me to post your bail, and I’ll Cee U Next Tuesday!
Follow Jennifer Warner on Twitter @Soxfan012