Well hello again, all of my lovelies! Did you miss me? I am sorry that I had to abandon you halfway through your abysmal, injury-plagued seasons last year, but it seems that my work as a Fantasy Royalty called me away for many an Ambassador duties. Not really, I was basically traveling the globe and the deepest, darkest reaches of the planet to find some kind of Medicine Man or Voodoo Priestess to lift this Black Widow Curse from me, to no avail. But, I digress. How are you all holding up? I know you missed me, it’s okay, you don’t have to admit it (I can read your thoughts.) So, anyhoo, here we are again. The 2016 NFL season is closer than that stalker who is STILL living in my bushes outside (I need to start charging that creeper rent). I promise you, I won’t leave you again this season, as long as you stick with me. So, to rekindle all the love we shared and the memories we’ve made over the years, let’s spend a little time together today, get to know one another again, turn the lights down low, and turn on the Fantasy lovin’ with this little preseason edition of Hit it or Quit it…
Tyler Lockett, WR, Seattle Seahawks – I am not only throwing this in here to make Tehol Beddict happy but also because I foresee Lockett finally becoming the player that everyone hoped he would be. Despite seeing less than six targets per game in his final seven games of 2015, Lockett managed to rope in 60 receiving yards per game. Don’t be scared off by Doug Baldwin and his role either. I mean, sure, he brought fantasy owners some monster numbers in the second half of the season last year (and along with that some major chubbies), but I fully expect Lockett’s role to expand. Look for him as an WR2 or WR3 option and you can thank me however your heart sees fit at the end of the season. Hell, if you want to get a little freaky, bust out your handcuffs with him and Baldwin and see what magic you can enjoy. Go on, you know you want to Hit it.
Golden Tate, WR, Detroit Lions – With 189 receptions and 10 touchdowns in his career with the Detroit Lions, it is easy to see why Golden Tate does not consider himself a number 2 receiver. But, taking a look at who he had around him and one can, perhaps, be a little overconfident of his numbers alone and cause you to blow your load on him as a top pick for your Fantasy teams. On a broader scale, Tate is nothing more than that 5 Edelman bedded after winning the Super Bowl in 2014. The only reason we don’t pay any attention to his 5-ness, is because he is surrounded by even uglier 4’s and 3’s. With Calvin Johnson taking his big, errr, self (I really wanted to say Johnson there), out of a town with a higher crime rate than the old west, it may be put up or shup up time for Tate. Something else to consider, with Johnson gone and the Lions picking up Marvin Jones from Cincinnati, there is a lot of speculation as to who will end up at the top of the depth chart. Take it from me; you are better off on saving him for either a bench spot or quitting him altogether. There are plenty of fish in the sea this season. Sow your oats. Hit it or Quit it, it’s player’s choice.
Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego Chargers – Okay, yeah, I get it, he’s old by football standards. He’s washed up. He doesn’t have any years left in him. Sure, and I am sure your grandma said that about your grandpap too, but thanks to the little blue pill, grandpa is getting his freak on with grandma every night. Too far? Probably, but that is what I am here for…to make you think about your grandparents doing the nasty…and football…yeah, football. Okay, so, back to Gates and his old-ness. Last season, at the retirement age of 35 (insert eye roll here), Gates managed to finish the season one point out of the top ten among Tight Ends, even after missing five games. If he can stay healthy and not suspended again, Gates gives us no reason to think that he can’t be a TE1 or TE2 contender in 10-team leagues. Remember, with age comes a world of experience. Don’t you want to see what he can do for you? I know I do (wink, wink). Don’t be a prude. Hit it.
Julian Edelman, WR, New England Patriots – Those of you who know me, know what a diehard Boston sports fan I am (even though I live in the seventh circle of Hell known formally as Pittsburgh), so some may wonder why I have Edelman on here in my “quit it” pile. Well, aside from his less than optimal tastes in women (see aforementioned 5 he banged following the Super Bowl win), the bottom line is, Edelman (like many an ex-boyfriend) can’t be trusted. In his entire career, Edelman has only played all 16 regular season games once. Just one, single, g’d**m, solitary time. And to be honest, the only reason that Edelman had the seven touchdowns in 2015 that he did is because he had Tom Brady plying him with artistry (yeah, I went there. I love Brady). But, with Brady missing the first four games of the upcoming season, don’t expect Edelman to put up those kinds of numbers again. Even if he manages to stay healthy for 8-10 games, 4 of those will be without Brady, so you do the math. Me, I am staying farther away from this than a first date with a Thai Gigolo. Quit it.
Dion Lewis, RB, New England Patriots – So, everyone laughed at me last year when I drafted him in all of my leagues and had some pretty nice numbers in the first few weeks, until my f*ckingg Black Widow Curse kicked in and I was responsible for his blown ACL. Okay, look, maybe I wasn’t as responsible as Tonya Harding was with whacking Nancy Kerrigan with her shillelagh, but we can all admit that me, and my curse, did play a part in it. But that is in the past. Expected to be fully healthy this coming season and carrying with him the double-digit fantasy points precedent that he established in his six games last season, it is not out of the realm of possibility for him to meet the 75 catches, 120 rushing yard prediction that he is bringing with him. Just know, that I plan on picking him up too, which means that the knee may go, as I have a tendency to cause my men to have blown appendages…wait, what? My mind is in the gutter, but methinks yours is even farther. Rope it back in and pay attention to me…and Lewis. Go on you sassy little perv, set him up as an RB1-RB2 and Hit it.
Blake Bortles, QB, Jacksonville Jaguars – Jaguars are majestic, beautiful creatures. Blake Bortles is not. One thing that boggles my mind with fantasy sports is how aroused people can become when looking at numbers alone. If you are a big numbers person and aren’t looking at the whole picture, consider spending your spare time playing bingo or dominoes and leave the fantasy sports’in to use big girls (and boys). Need more proof that numbers alone do not make a good fantasy strategy? Okay, here goes: Last season, Bortles finished with the fourth-most fantasy points out of any QB (yes, even more than my beloved Brady). But that’s it. Bortles also managed a league-high 18 interceptions and completed a measly 58.6 percent of his passes. Given that Jacksonville called passes 68 percent of the time and scored 88 percent of their touchdowns through the air, it is easy to see that the sheer volume of airtime is what contributed to Bortles’ numbers. Still not convinced or saying, “yeah, but oh beautiful Razzball Goddess, who cares? He still put up the points and helped out my fantasy team!” Well, I hate to kick you in the jewels, but this season is going to be a little different. Don’t expect that volume again. With Jacksonville making some changes to their defense and the newest addition of Chris Ivory sends the message loud and clear that they will be counting more on the run this season. If you really must pick up Bortles because your girlfriend thinks he cute or something (I’d first ask for your D**k back from her purse), he should be nothing more than a QB2 or some bye week streamer you pick up just because you need a little QB action. Take it from me and you’ll thank me later. Quit it.
Matt Jones, RB, Washington Redskins – I know you, my loyal Razzball followers. You LOVE to take risks. Not just in your Fantasy football life, but also in real life. Like that more than eager “lady” you met in that alley behind your favorite bar after last call last weekend?? Yeah, I was there. I saw the whole thing and got it on tape. You may want to contact your local STD clinic, but not before you finish reading this, because I have another risk that I want you to take. Yeah, you read that right, Matt Jones. Okay, okay, I know, his 2015 stats were not worth getting all hot and bothered about, but remember this, HBIC Alfred Morris is gone and someone needs to run the ball for Washington. With Morris leaving, Jones has little to no competition and with his size and speed (and the help of a pass-first offense), Jones has some potential and opportunity to make a name for himself. Don’t get too overzealous though. If you do decide to take the leap and get Jones for cheaper than that aforementioned alley walker, he should be nothing more than an RB3. Get all crazy with it. Hit it.
Jamaal Charles, RB, Kansas City – Do I really need to go into why you should avoid Charles like the plague this year? Ok, sure, I’m a little salty because every year I pick him up in one of my leagues, and every year he continues to disappoint me, like many a man I have had the displeasure of encountering. Ok, it seems you need some convincing. Hopefully, this will help. Two ACL injuries in five years. Still not enough? You really are gluttons for punishment, aren’t you? Well, let’s just say, that good old KC has seen what they really can get without him being there and he is not the end all be all for the rush in the Midwest. Following his injury (again) last year, the show went on and Kansas City managed to rank sixth in rushing yards (1,495), tied for second in rushing touchdowns (14), fifth in rush yards before first defensive contact (890), and fourth in yards per rush (4.8). Expect a majority of the work to be split between Charles, Charcandrick West, and Spencer Ware. Let some other schmuck deal with Charles and his elastic knee. Save your roster spot for someone else. Take a lesson from KC. Quit it.
So, that is it for now, my loyal Razzball stalkers, creepers, and general weirdos! Remember, only I can appreciate you for all of your perverted glory. Keep an eye out next week as I have some tasty sleepers in my Hit it or Quit it article you sure you don’t want to miss! Until next week, remember to stay out of jail and off Megan’s Law long enough to follow me on Twitter @Soxfan012.