Welcome back, my lovelies! Your’s truly has had a pretty great Week 9, to say the least. My “Black Widow Curse” decided to take a holiday for one week in this NFL season, and I went a nice 5-1 in my leagues (damn you, Lifshitz!). It seems, however, some of you have not been listening to the pearls of wisdom my fine a** has been throwing down, and you managed to skip over and ignore some tasty waiver wire adds that I told you to ride like a Vegas “companion”. That’s okay. Mistakes are how we learn. And, I hope you have all learned your lessons and are finally ready for a serious relationship… with your rosters, that is. Remember, Fantasy Football is a lot like dating… you have to get through those toothless weirdos, headcases, and creep-o stalkers to get to “the one”. Now, if you are all ready to commit (to those rosters, I mean), hold on to those marriage proposals and follow me as I lead you, like a siren, into Week 10’s Hit it or Quit it.
Jeremy Hill – I know, I know, deja vu, right? Yeah, I told you WEEKS ago to jump all over this stallion, but no one listened. And, because you didn’t listen, he was still available on waivers to me in multiple leagues and he racked up a sportsgasm-inducing 28.80 points for me in Week 9. Rushing for 154 yards and two TD’s on 24 carries, Hill took over for an injured Giovani Bernard and showed that we can move on really easily when the new love has more to offer. You didn’t listen to me before, and it may be too late, but Hill is a steamy RB1 option if Bernard is going to be out. If you can take advantage of those poor saps who don’t read my stuff, get in there and Hit it.
Kenny Stills – Do you like to take chances? Do you like living on the edge? No, I’m not talking about that tranny you hooked up with in Vegas, although, congrats, that’s ballsy… no, I am talking about taking a chance on Kenny Stills. Viewed as a high risk, high reward WR4 option, Mr. “Stills yo girl” is coming off one of the better stretches of his career. Stills is looking to be on pace for a 51/799/2 line at the midway point this season following his 5 of 8 target for 72 yard performance against the Panthers in Week 9. Yeah, sure, he had a couple of drops, but what man knows what to do with his hands all the time? Am I right, ladies? Anyhoo, he tweaked his groin, but managed to play through. Now THAT is a man I can get on…under…whatever. So, if you like high risk but high reward, stay away from that circle jerk you were invited to, and get it on with Stills instead. Hit it.
Charles Clay – This season’s Tight End situation is more than desperate. With the love of my life, Jordan Cameron, going down (sigh), there is little to no pickin’s out there. Or is there? Enter, Charles Clay. Clay roped in five passes for 65 yards and a TD in Miami’s Week 9 win over the Chargers. Clay was targeted a team high eight times and beat out a San Diego defender for a six-yard TD. Clay could’ve had another TD but apparently had problems knowing what to do with his hands too, and dropped the ball at the one-yard line. With a performance like this, it was can easily be stated that this was one of Clay’s best performances of the season. Only 43% owned in most leagues, he is a decent TE2 option going into Week 10 against Detroit. So, go all Demi Moore in Ghost with this Clay and Hit it.
Mike Evans – At last, an Aggie on my list!! I’m not going to lie, Week 9 was the tits for us Aggies. Tannehill was my ace QB in the hole this week (yeah, I almost friggin’ sh*t a brick too) and Mike Evans showed what a few years footballin’ in College Station teaches you. I’m not claiming that other Aggie over there in Cleveland, by the way. Back to the “good” Aggies…Evans exploded for seven catches for 124 yards and two TD’s in Tampa Bay’s Week 9 loss in Brown Town. A HUGE WR who can make big plays in the air, Evans is showing how hot we Aggies really are. Keep in mind too, he’s a rookie, and he’s only 21 years old. Evans is currently on pace for a 64-920-8 line this season. The only real question is why is he only 60% owned in most leagues? With Hilton, Wayne, Jackson, Garcon, Hopkins, Johnson, and LaFell looking at bye weeks, you’d be a moron if you didn’t jump all over this NFL virgin. So, let out a hearty “Whoop” and Hit it.
Terrance West – Rushing 15 times for 48 yards and a TD, West showed why Pettine commented, “he has earned those touches.” West out-touched Ben Tate 16-14 and pretty much made Isaiah Crowell need to be featured on a milk carton. West was the primary back for almost all of the second half and is looking like the sexier option in Brown Town these days. Sure, the Browns running game seems like it may be stuck in, well, something brown, these days, West could possibly offer some flex value. Cleveland will more than likely continue to use an RBBC as they enter Cincy this Thursday, and at only about 23% owned in most leagues, West is a sure thing against the Bungles. Forget about all the others, West is the one for you. Hit it.
Allen Hurns – Ok, yeah, Jacksonville is a dumpster fire. Wait, scratch that…It’s a dumpster full of dead hookers fire. But, being someone who likes to try to find the good in the bad, we have Allen Hurns. Hurns caught seven passes for 112 yards and two TD’s in the Jags Week 9 loss to the “Bungals”. Hurns was targeted a team high nine times and he made plays on two really bad throws from Blake Bortles, one of which could have been easily intercepted. Another play he managed to completely incinerate Leon Hall on a 40-yard TD pass in which he had to completely stop and make the underthrown catch. At just 14 % owned in most leagues, Hurns is going to have monster games, but be wary that for the most part, he is a Jag and has all the negative connotations that accompany that. Sure, he can give you what you want, just not always when you want it. However, he is a nice WR3/4 option as the number 3 receiver. You know you like to take chances, and this one promises no chance of herpes. So, put away your Valtrex, you won’t need it this time. Hit it.
Brian Quick – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. It does not seem like all that long ago that I was all over the Hit it feels with Quick. But, alas, my Black Widow Curse has claimed another soul for my cabinet and feast. Quick was at one time a Hit it, but since dislocating his shoulder and tearing his rotator cuff, it seems Quick is now done for the season, as he needs surgery. Look to Steadman Bailey and Kenny Britt to, no pun intended, shoulder the load for the remainder of the season. Sorry, Quick, but your man soul was delicious. It’s time for those 9% of people who still own you to smarten up and Quit it.
Doug Martin – Toes and ankles…ankles and toes. The lower parts of NFL players seem to be made out of little girls’ tea sets. Just look at them sideways and SNAP! Doug Martin is going to be collecting unemployment checks here soon with the return of Charles Sims expected in Week 10. For some reason, you all have not been listening to me as Martin is still owned in 66% of leagues. He is not worth owning and is a safe drop in 10 and 12 team leagues. He isn’t worth it. Take a step back, read last week’s Hit it or Quit it, and do something right with your life. Hit Sims. Martin is more than a Quit it.
Isaiah Crowell – Have you seen this Crowell? Because, if you ask me, he was pretty much either abducted by aliens or on some kind of Australian Walkabout in Week 9. Pettine insists that the lack of use of Crowell was not disciplinary, but if you have to say that is what it isn’t, then that’s probably what it is. There is a lot of potential for Crowell, who is a nice power back, but with Tate and West seeing a lot of the action on a team known for it’s mucky run game, this gal is not sure what is going down in Brown Town. If you have the room, stash him away for later as a RB4/5, but if not, move on. He’s damaged goods and Quit it.
Bernard Pierce – It is never a good sign when the one you love goes with someone else because they think they have more to offer, and that’s essentially what happened to Pierce in Week 8. Being listed as a “healthy scratch” in favor of Taliaferro and Forsett, John Harbaugh claimed that the decision to scratch Pierce was to give them their “best chance of winning.” Ouch!! If that isn’t the Harbaugh version of “it’s not me, it’s you” then I don’t know what is. Taliaferro has moved up the depth chart and is now the RB3/4. With only 2 rushing yards in Week 9, it seems that the love for Pierce has since faded. I own him in a couple of leagues and it’s never easy to end things, but it seems that it may be time, especially when I also own Taliaferro in those same leagues. It’s not cheating if the relationship is over, right? Sorry, Bernie, time to Quit it.
Well, there you have it, ladies and gents, degenerates and pervs. Week 9 is in the books and Week 10 is upon us. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am and will always be the one with the writer’s credit. Follow me on Twitter, like the good creepers you are, for all of my Fantasy Sports throwdowns, general musings, and overall awesomeness. Until next week, my lovelies…