Well, well, well, here we are again my lovelies, trudging on into Week 11 of the 2014 Fantasy Football season. As we near the playoffs, one thing is certain, our hooptied rosters are still plugging along like the good jalopies they are, and the Dominatrix-style punishments we endure week after week are nearing an end. Thankfully, unlike that Dominatrix, some of you don’t have to pay for this punishment, but unfortunately, there is no safe word. So take it like the good sex slaves you are. On another note, the Fantasy Gods have been generous with yours truly this past week, as I managed to squeeze out a solid 4-2 with my teams. Hell, even the stalker living in the bushes outside of my house has started to watch me sleeping through my window at night again. Ah, yes, all feels right with the universe. It is probably because I am completely and utterly satiated on the man souls my “Black Widow Curse” claimed this past week. Hey, Hall and Oates warned you… “watch out boys, she’ll chew you up.” All this time I have been fighting it, but in reality, giving in and embracing it for all of its man-soul chewing glory satisfies me more than any piece of chocolate, depraved sexual fantasy of Jordan Cameron ever has. So, as we march ever onward, follow me, my lovelies, into Week 11’s episode of Hit it or Quit it.
Jarvis Landry – Landry caught 7 of 10 targets for 53 yards in the Dolphins’ Week 10 loss to Detroit. Landry has blown (past) Brian Hartline as the number 2 bae on Miami’s depth chart, and his 10 targets lead the team. The seven catches were also the most of his virginal NFL career. For now, he is limited to check downs and chain-moving looks, but look for him to keep gaining that “experience” and next thing you know this virgin will be a porn star. Hit it.
Andrew Hawkins – Yeah, okay, I am surprised I put him on here too, considering I started the bastard and he was literally a gametime “nope” so my WR hole was left wide open, unfilled, and unattended. So, lesson learned. When the Browns say “yes” they really mean “no”. Ok, so, basically, it’s the Roethlisberger-coed-in-a-Georgia-bar kind of thinking, or something like that. So, he sat out with thigh/knee issues in Week 10 but Hawkins has been targeted at least nine times in six of seven games this season with at least five of those catches being for 70 yards. The Browns also have a fairly decent schedule coming up with Houston in Week 11, Atlanta in Week 12, and Carolina in Week 16. Josh Gordon is also set to come back from suspension in Week 12, but his role as a deep threat will ultimately help Hawkins to find room to operate underneath against inferior defensive backs. So, remember, “yes” means “no” and vice versa, but throw caution to the wind, don’t leave any DNA behind, step right up and Hit it.
Kyle Rudolph – We all know our Tight End situations are sore and hurting, and I am still attempting to take advantage of a concussed Jordan Cameron, but do not seem to be making any headway in that area, so I feel compelled to throw “Rudolph the Red-Groined Tight End” on here since it appears he may be on the mend. Rudolph has been running routes and doing a “little bit of everything” Mike Zimmer stated and the team is “hopeful” that Rudolph will return in Week 11-12. They appear to be taking a “wait and see” approach to his groin (perverts) due to Rudolph being sidelined since late September following a sports hernia operation. I honestly have no idea how you men walk around with those things…anyhoo, if your Tight End situation is still hurting, it’s ok, you don’t have to admit it, but take solace in the fact that Rudolph will be back and is worth owning in all leagues as a stretch-run TE1. Hurry up and grab him, just be mindful of the sore pee-pee, as he is only about 30% owned in most leagues. Hit it.
Mychal Rivera – Don’t trust me on Rudolph or just think it’s too early for Christmas references? Well, my lovelies, have no fear, I aim to please, and you know how I love me some Tight Ends! Rivera roped in 6 of 8 targets for 64 yards and a TD in the Raiders’ Week 10 loss to Denver. As has happened many times before, Garbage time was Fantasy time as Rivera saved some of his 34% of owners by roping in an 18-yard TD. Rivera’s now posting stat lines that look like this: 8-73, 8-38-2, and 6-64-1 for the past three weeks. Keep in mind that the Raiders take on San Diego in Week 11 and their defense gives up the fewest fantasy points to the Tight End position, but for all intents and purposes, Rivera is a nice TE1 streamer. You know you want it… Hit it.
Ryan Mathews – Out since Week 2 with an MCL sprain, guess who is back in town and ready to wine and dine you? That’s right, ladies and gents… Ryan Mathews. Mathews has been practicing and taking part in light sessions and is fully expected to start in Week 11. Once he returns, it is expected that he will take his rightful place as HBIC on the depth chart, which means Branden Oliver owners will be looking for bigger and better things to hit. Mathews is expected to handle the bulk of the early down work when he returns, but expect him to be eased back in to it. Hey, foreplay is important, guys! You can’t just cram it (or him) in there! He is still 74% owned in most leagues, which means there is still a chance you can get you some, so you may want to jump on this before word gets out and every player in town wants a piece. Hit it.
Joseph Randle – Do you own DeMarco Murray? Are you worried about him going down? (wink, wink) Well, have I got someone I want you to meet. Joseph Randle. Randle rushed for 56 yards and a TD on 7 carries in Dallas’ Week 10 win over “Jinxsonville”, uh, I mean Jacksonville. Randle busted a hole wide open on a 40-yard carry for the TD which was his first of the season and the longest run of his career. Despite limited work this season, Randle has looked damn sexy. He is considered a high-end starting option should Murray decide to (ahem) go down… Randle is a must own for Murray owners heading into the fantasy playoffs. At just 4% owned in most leagues, there’s a nice potential for a threesome with you, Murray and Randle. Don’t be a prude. Hit it.
Branden Oliver – Sure, he had an ok week in Week 9, rushing for 19 yards on 13 carries and another catch for 7 yards, but it didn’t help that two monster gains were called back on penalties. The Chargers were on a bye week in Week 10, but that won’t help Oliver’s case, since Ryan Mathews is slated to return in Week 11. With Mathew’s return, that leaves Oliver’s role unclear. The HBIC is ready to reclaim his role, so chances are, this Oliver will end up a homeless orphan too. No, you may not have some more! Quit it.
Zac Stacy – Abducted by aliens, kidnapped and sold into the Taiwanese sex trade, or just went on a Crocodile Dundee-style walkabout, Zac Stacy hasn’t seen the field since Sharon Stone showed her lady bits in Basic Instinct. Okay, maybe not that long, but you got where I am going with this. What I can’t understand is why he is still 41% owned in most leagues? Are you just gluttons for punishment? If so, I can set you up with that aforementioned Dominatrix. Tre Mason is the bae in Ram Town and the best thing for an old love, is a new love. It’s time to let this one go. Quit it.
Cordarelle Patterson – What do Patterson and my ex have in common? They both are full of disappointment in more than one area. Mike Zimmer summed it up best when he used the word “frustrated” when talking about Patterson. Yes, guys, we women get frustrated too when you promise and can’t deliver…in fantasy football, I mean. Patterson seemed to be making a turnaround in Week 8, but reverted back to his old, impotent ways in Week 9. He dropped a bubble screen, couldn’t make anything happen on a blown coverage, and struggled more than any professional athlete or man should. Bridgewater was 1-7 when targeting Patterson but 25-35 when targeting anyone else. OUCH! Look, the 69% of you who own him can keep holding onto the hope that things will change and you will fall in love with him again, but let me tell you, there is no amount of Viagra in this world that will make this flaccid player functional again. Quit it.
Jordan Reed – Once catch for 17 yards and a defensive holding penalty on a sideline route… yeah, okay, remind me again why 60% of owners in most leagues want to keep this around? RGIII is back, sure, but for how long? We all know that man’s ankles and knees are made of century old porcelain and he’d have a better chance at completing the season if he was using matchsticks as ankle bones, but what do I know… Reed does have a nice ability to win 1 on 1 matchups in the middle of the field, but there are plenty of fish in the sea in the Tight End area who will give it to you good. Don’t waste your time on this one. Quit it.
Jay Cutler – Do I really need to go into any kind of details about this one? Did you WATCH the game Sunday? Ok, here goes…Cutler’s 10 picks are tied for second in the NFL…he’s lost 5 fumbles…he was 22 for 37 with 272 yards, one TD, and two interceptions in Week 10 against the Packers. Some sports writers have Cutler as a top 10 QB. Sure, in high school maybe. Those numbers and his performance in Week 10 just don’t show any kind of elite ability. Look, I own Cutler in one league and I only had to start him because my QB1 was on a bye. Needless to say, first thing this morning, I dropped him since I’m number 1 on the waiver wire. I mean, the post game presser…did you watch it? Cutler had no idea where he was. Relationships are two-way streets and this one is a dead end. Take my advice… Quit it.
Well, there you have it ladies and gents, pervs and degenerates; Week 11’s Hit it or Quit it is in the bag! I so look forward to our long talks and sexual innuendo week to week. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am and will always be the one with the writer’s credit. Follow me on Twitter for all of my Fantasy Football and sports rantings, and for all of my general awesomeness. Until next week…