Welcome back my lovelies! It seems the Fantasy Gods continue to smile on yours truly, as I pulled out a 5-1 record this week again. Yes, winning feels good, especially when you basically have a team held together with duct tape and the leaflets from the floor of a porno theater. But alas, for many of you, my “Black Widow” curse feasted upon quite a bit of your RB1s, WR1s, and everything in between this week. Hey, I warned you, my lust for man souls has become insatiable. Sure, I also lost Hillman, Thomas, and Sanders in the process, but it seems this has allowed some rookie fresh meat to step into those shoes. Mmmm, there’s nothing like a fresh, young rookie-meat to get my blood flowing, even if it costs me and I have to scramble to fill that slot. So, as the title to this week’s article suggests, and as you may already know, I am a glutton for punishment. And yes, some punishments can be oh so enjoyable. So, gather up those hooptie lineups, grab some lotion and a box of tissues (ladies, stock up on batteries for your B.O.B.) and follow me down the path of depravity to this week’s Hit it or Quit it.
Josh Gordon – He’s baaaaaaaack! Yes ladies and gentlemen, pervs and degenerates, Josh Gordon is officially off suspension and due back on the field in Week 12. If you are like me, many of you snatched him up in your fantasy drafts, only to stash him away like a dirty little secret while you got off on others who weren’t what you were looking for. What surprises me is Gordon is owned in only about 77% of leagues, so that means some of you have not jumped on the Gordon train yet. Although his suspension for dancing with Mary Jane did not allow him to be in contact with any member of the coaching staff, he was allowed to work out at facilities. And this honey was working out. Posting a 87-1646-9 line in 14 games in 2013, Gordon will be an immediate WR1 in all leagues, barring any more hits from the bong (kisses to you if you got the Cypress Hill reference) in the coming week. If you don’t own him, you can try, but you gotta work this baby like a high class call girl. What are you waiting for? Hit it.
Jonas Gray – Unless you’ve been under a rock for Week 11, or on some deserted island with your mistress or pool boy, you know the name Jonas Gray. Blowing up on 38 carries for 199 yards and 4, yes, 4 TDs in Week 11, this workhorse stunned many a fantasy owner who laughed when they saw they were going against him this week. Gray got a majority of the snaps, goal-line, and early-down work and pretty much made Vereen feel like the ugly girl at the prom. All four of Gray’s TDs came from inside the five-yard line and he should continue to see a bulk of the carries moving forward. Mr. Gray is also available in about 80% of leagues. Don’t forget though, Mr. Gray likes it rough and there is no safe word moving into Week 12 when the Pats take on the Lions. Aside from that, he is a must own in all leagues. So, if you are brunette, a little thicker, and like it rough, throw on some thigh highs, pull out the cat-o-nine tails, bend ‘em over, and Hit it.
Kenny Britt – Let me ask you…did your WR go down? No? Well, I am so sorry to hear that and I need to do something about it because if not, (1) you aren’t getting the attention you deserve (from my Black Widow Curse that is) and (2) you don’t have the room on your roster for a nice hunk of man meat named Kenny Britt. Britt caught four passes for 128 yards and a TD in the Rams’ Week 11 sodomizing of the Broncos. Britt saw seven targets and completely took control for the entire first half and we ladies LOVE a man who will take charge. Sure, there are some bugs in this system as Shaun Hill seems to have some aim issues in which Britt had to settle for a 33-yard gain which could’ve been a 73-yard TD if Hill would’ve hit Britt in stride, but right now, Britt is the Rams number 1 receiver. Ok, he may not provide you with huge sportsgasms down the stretch, but he is good for at least 6-8 targets a week. At just 15% owned in most leagues, he is a decent WR3/4 pick-up. So do what you have to do, points are points, and in a pinch, anyone will usually do. Suck it up and Hit it.
Josh McCown – We all know that one guy or girl who isn’t necessarily good looking on their own, but put them next to someone better looking, and all of a sudden they don’t look too bad. I call that the “hot by association” phenomena. Well, this is the case with McCown. McCown completed 15-of-23 passes for 288 yards and two TDs in the Bucs’ Week 11 win over the Redskins…err, Native Americans…err (insert politically correct team name here.) What makes McCown look so hot right now? Well it may have something to do with the 6’5” frame of hotness known as Mike Evans. If there’s anything we Aggies know, its hot and sexy. McCown connected with Evans for two 30+ yard TDs with Evans accounting for 70+% of the total yardage. McCown was only sacked twice and had zero turnovers, something that both of those Manning brothers can’t say. As long as McCown has Evans as his go-to bae, he will be a streaming option against the Bears’ sh** fest secondary in Week 12. If you are already an Evans owner, or just think you can’t do worse than Cutler or a Manning, double-team this one and Hit it.
Chris Hogan – I get asked a lot of questions about PPR leagues in all of your wonderful comments on my weekly Hit it or Quit Its, so I thought I would throw out a handy, tip that is, for my PPR-lovelies on this one. Catching 7-of-9 targets for 74 yards in the Bills’ Week 11 win over Miami, it seems Chris Hogan has suddenly emerged on the PPR radar. With Kyle Orton at the helm, it can be seen as a little dicey, but Hogan has broken out as the Bills lead receiver and posted career highs in both yards and catches in Week 11. He has also now cleared five targets in four of his past five games. He is not worth a consideration in standard leagues (hey, I told you this was for my PPR babes) but at 1% owned, he may be worth a look in your PPR. So, remember to use a C on your D when you put the P in the V (or the A), register with the EBDB, go for it in PPR, and Hit it.
C.J. Anderson – Thanks to Montee aggravating his Ball(s), Sanders scrambling his brains, Hillman having foot issues that Tinactin can’t fix, and Thomas pulling an RGIII and going all grandma ankle, Anderson has been promoted to Manning’s number 2 option in the passing game and lead back. Rushing nine times for 29 yards and roping in eight catches for 86 yards, Anderson is looking like a lock as an RB1/2 in Week 12 against Miami. Picked up in the past day in about 60% of most leagues, it seems that the Anderson love is spreading faster than the Gonorrhea Tehol Beddict got from that Thai “masseuse” in 1999. If you can snag him up, I suggest you hurry up and finish into that sock, get online and take care of other business. Hit it.
Darren McFadden – Let’s be honest here, I could pretty much list the entire Raiders’ backfield on here and you wouldn’t bat an eye or question me. Hell, you wouldn’t question me anyway because if by now you have not realized that I was right about my ability to throw down some Fantasy Football knowledge and these spectacular breasts not being a hindrance, then maybe you should reconsider your involvement in fantasy sports. But for now, I will settle for the public stoning of Darren McFadden. Pretty much at this point, the Raiders’ backfield is a clusterf*ck of some kind of free-for-all timeshare between McFadden, Jones-Drew, and Murray. McFadden managed 21 yards in eight carries and no receptions in three targets in the Raiders’ Week 11 loss to the Chargers. The Raiders continue to underutilize McFadden and are only throwing him checkdowns. At this point, Murray is essentially the upside of this sh*tfest as an RB4/5 stash, but McFadden is not worth owning in 10-12 team leagues as we stretch out our parts for playoff time. Much like a worn out vibrator, McFadden is also useless. Quit it.
DeAngelo Williams – Ok, yeah, it’s Carolina, no brainer, right? Well, some of you are still holding out hope for better things on this one, and I hate to be the one to break the news to you, there is not enough Viagra in the world to make this one work again. Sorry. Williams rushed for 41 yards on 10 carries in Week 11, but in true impotent Williams fashion, he wasn’t able to make any long runs and was shot down all afternoon. He is not scoring any TDs and is not seeing any volume, so why do the 21% of you who own him keep doing this to yourself? Look, I understand things may be bad for some of you, hell, desperate even, but I am here to tell you that you deserve better than this. You deserve someone who will perform for you and give you those Earth shattering sportsgasms you so willingly deserve. Free up your slot for someone who will fill it wholly and completely. Williams is not it. Quit it.
Heath Miller – I am sure every Yinzer and their mother is going to crucify me on this one, and yes, I am sure that I will receive more than one request to move out of the city of Pittsburgh, but all Yinzering aside, seriously, Heath Miller is one game away from a milk carton appearance. Look, I own him in a couple of leagues (mostly because I waited too long to draft a TE), but he spends more time warming my bench than he actually does getting a start. Ok, yes, Yinzers, he had a big week in Week 8, posting 20.70 fantasy points, but just about every other week he hasn’t posted more than 4-6 points. One good week does not a bae make. You all know how I love me some tight ends too, but this one is more than lacking. Sure, no one is up to Jordan Cameron (swoon) standards in my eyes, but hell, who is? I mean, come on, the man is beautiful! Anyhoo, I digress…Miller caught just three measly passes for 29 yards in the Steelers’ Week 11 loss to the Jets…yes, I said it, the Jets. Held without a catch in the first half, it seems that this is becoming a pattern for old Heath, and with less than 30 yards in four of his last five games, Miller has little to no value. That’s also why I have some waiver claims in right now to pawn him off for bigger and better things. Sorry, Heath, we are over it. It’s time to Quit it.
Lorenzo Taliaferro – Well, it seems that the honeymoon is over and Tali is no longer interested or able to woo us with his wiles anymore. After losing a fumble in Week 10, Tali was demoted behind Bernard Pierce and didn’t play a single snap until well into the fourth quarter after Pierce was taken by my Black Widow Curse. Tali has low-end flex value when he plays ahead of Pierce, but is impotently useless when Pierce plays ahead of him. Rushing for 10 yards on three carries in Week 11, Tali also basically needs Forsett to fall prey to my Curse in order to have any kind of startability at this point. I’m sorry, Tali, that just is not good enough and my sexy and loyal readers deserve someone who can stand on their own and don’t have a lot of “woulda, coulda, shoulda.” It’s over. We like a man who can stand on his own. We are all about to Quit it.
Terrance Williams – Not one single catch, I sh*t you not, on two targets in Week 10 against Jacksonville…I could just stop there, but I have more for you all to justify this Quit it. He scored six TDs through the first seven games of the season, but has not seen the endzone in the past three weeks. The Cowboys are coming off a bye in Week 12, so there may be some potential there, but for the most part, he is just taking up space that can be filled with someone more endowed. He has posted single-digit fantasy numbers for the past five weeks and has not seen double-digits since Week 5. Is this really what you are looking for in a WR? Sure, I know my curse has pretty much wiped out any stallion left on the trade blocks or waiver wires, but trust me, there are better things out there. You deserve someone who will perform for you down the playoff stretch. It’s time to Quit it.
Well, there you have it, my lovelies! Week 12’s Hit it or Quit it is officially in the bag. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Be sure to follow me on Twitter for all of my sports musings, fantasy throw downs, and general awesomeness. Until next week…
