Well, gentlemen (and a few ladies), here we are. My first highly anticipated article, for all of you Razzballers. I know, I know, you are all saying, “Jay? What are you doing bringing a girl on? Don’t you know she has breasts? What could she possibly know about fantasy football?” Well, my steadfastly misogynistic readers, although you are correct, I do have breasts (and they are spectacular), I assure you they do not impinge on my ability to throw down some fantasy football knowledge. One thing I have learned in my years of playing fantasy football is that it’s a lot like dating. Yeah, sure, dating sucks, but depending on where you are picking in your draft, or drafts, your roster(s) can suck too. However, in fantasy football, it is a lot easier to get rid of the deadbeat creeper on your roster than it is to get rid of that real-life creeper living in the bushes outside of my house. [Jay’s Note: I feel like that message came out loud and clear J-FOH.] So, without further ado, join me as I bring you the buys and sells this week, with my first ever “Hit it or Quit” for your viewing pleasure.
Dennis Pitta – Pitta managed to hit 10-of-15 targets for 83 yards from Ernie’s hetero-lifemate, Bert, I mean Joe Flacco, despite Flacco’s attempts to seemingly vie for “worst performance in the NFL” in week one. Perhaps the extremely Eastern European unibrow hindered Flacco’s eyesight or aerodynamics, but regardless, Baltimore could potentially be a tight end gold mine as 22 targets went to TE’s in the game. If you want to snag some points, Pitta is that hot brunette in the bar at the end of the night. So work up the nerve and Hit It.
Knowshon Moreno – If it wasn’t for Moreno, Tannehill would still be walking around, throwing to random peeps NOT wearing a Miami jersey, and they probably would’ve lost the game. Moreno rushed 24 times for 134 yards and a TD. Despite coming off the bench behind Lamar Miller after having a case of premature fumbleitis, Moreno took over and basically schooled the Pats. Don’t let Miller’s role as Miami’s go-to passing-down back spook you from picking up Moreno, as he appears to be Miami’s bae on early downs. He is solid in the RB2 position, so buy him a drink and Hit It.
Pierre Thomas and Mark Ingram – Someone call Dr. Moreau and get him to N’Orleans, because I have dreams of some Thomas/Ingram genetic mashup, creating one, giant, unstoppable RB monster. The splits between them garner them both a flex opportunity for your roster, or rosters. Thomas rushed 7 times for 31 yards and caught 6 passes for 58 and appears to be Brees’ boo as a passing-down back. Ingram rushed 13 times for 60 a yards and two TD’s and was clearly the number one go-to on early downs for the Saints. The Saints backfield is still a giant blackhole of nothingness, but Ingram is your best chance for a fantasy hookup. Double team ‘em and Hit It.
Justin Forsett – With Ray Rice knocking himself out of a job and being released from the Ravens Monday, Forsett has now stepped up and is looking to be the number one starter for the Ravens’ backfield. With Bernard Pierce being benched for his first ever fumble Sunday, it may suggest there are some other things going on with the back, which have not come to light yet. In the meantime, if you need to fill a slot, Forsett may garner some flex discussion in week two as Baltimore takes on the face-stompin’ Steelers of Pittsburgh. He’s not one to keep around for any long-term plans, but for now, go ahead and dish out a guilt free Hit It.
Kansas City Chiefs Defense & Special Teams – Coming into week one ranked a top eight defense, KC got KO’d by the Titans Sunday. The next five games don’t prove to be any less of a challenge either, as they are slated to take on the Broncos, Dolphins, Patriots, and Chargers. Like a hot chick with cold sores, Quit It and pass…at least until week 7 (or the Valtrex starts working) and reassess for usefulness.
Maurice Jones-Drew – MJD looked like he was running on two amputated legs while pulling a flatbed full of Jenny Craig rejects. There was clearly nothing left in the tank, as he only managed to rush for 11 yards on nine carries. He showed little to no lateral maneuverability and basically just ran in straight lines and didn’t look like he wanted to bother to break any tackles. Why he is still listed as the number one back on the Raiders’ depth chart, is beyond me. He’s the conquest who will just lay there and not put in any effort. Save yourself the hassle and Quit It.
Bernard Pierce – Benched after his first ever fumble in Sunday’s loss to the Bengals, Pierce may have to earn his spot back from Justin Forsett. Pierce’s sudden onset of fumbleitis and the subsequent benching may indicate that the Ravens see more issues with Pierce than meets the eye. Many fantasy writers will tell you to hold onto him because of his age and blah, blah, blah, but with Ray Rice now collecting unemployment checks, Justin Forsett appears to be next in line. Pierce did me wrong this week and cost me -0.60 fantasy points. So, for that, and all this other speculation, I am over the drama and I am about to Quit It.
Jordan Reed – I know, I am probably going to get a ton of sh*t for this pick, but listen up, before you call for my public stoning… three concussions over college and pro careers, hamstring, knee, foot, ankle, quad, and hip injuries, with the hammy being an issue again currently, and recently needing and MRI, Reed does not look like he will be playing anytime soon. He makes me nervous, plain and simple. The frequency and severity of the injuries rolls in like some thick, dark, storm cloud… or that creeper living in my bushes. Yeah, I agree, he is worth holding on to in 12-14 team leagues, but with Logan Paulsen getting the start right now, is Reed, aka Humpty Dumpty, really worth holding on to and trying to put back together again? I will let you make the call on this one, but don’t blame me when the super glue ceases to work. He is a Quit It for me.
So, there you have it, Razzballers, week one is in the books. Love me, hate me, whatever, I’m the one with the writer’s credit. Just give me a reason to say, “I told ya so.” I hope this was as good for you as it was for me. And if it wasn’t, you can find me on twitter. Until next week, my lovelies!