Welcome back, my lovelies, to this week’s rendition of Hit It or Quit It. Hopefully, this week’s article finds you with your MCL’s, ankles, knees, toes, and elbows intact and where they are supposed to be, unlike the poor bastards on many of our rosters this past weekend. OUCH! Somehow, yours truly managed to squeeze out a 5-1 record for my leagues this weekend, while starting the best of the worst, a few no names, and a couple of poor schmoes who happened to be working the grounds crew at Met Life Stadium (Thanks, Manuel! I needed that turnover!). Did I just get lucky? Right place, right time? Or is this week’s domination in my leagues an indication of my Fantasy Football genius? I’ll let you make the call… (Hint: It’s the latter). So, before the refs from last night’s Bears-9’ers game decide to flag me for excessive celebration, let’s get into this week’s slim pickin’s and outright grenades. Gentlemen, and a few ladies, I give you Hit It or Quit It: Week 3.
Jeremy Hill – Rushing 15 times for 74 yards, a TD, and adding another two catches for 22 yards, Hill certainly played a bigger part this week, than he did in week one. Sure, like the slutty blonde over the good girl, he was out-touched by Giovani Bernard 32-17, but averaged more yards per carry at 4.93 to Bernard’s 3.33. For now, Bernard appears to be the H.B.I.C, but, like a good side b***h, Hill could come sliding in, especially if ole Bernie can’t get it up…with his yards per carry, that is. Get your minds out of the gutter. That’s why Hill could be worth holding onto in 12-14 team leagues. So, do yourself a solid, down a few little blue pills of courage, and HIT IT.
Knile Davis – With Jamaal Charles going down early with a sprained ankle and thereby screwing me without buying me dinner first, Davis was automatically tossed into the every-down role to pick up the slack. He finished the game with 105 yards, two TD’s, and was targeted nine times in the pass. If Charles continues to have “performance issues” due to that ankle, then Davis could find himself in the RB1/2 slot against the Dolphins next week. So, minimize your BBW porn just long enough to snag him off waivers and HIT IT.
Delanie Walker – If you didn’t listen to Smokey this week in his post about Walker, then you lost out. Walker destroyed Dallas this week by securing 10 of 14 targets for 142 yards and a TD. Jake Locker apparently only had eyes for Walker and their bromance was the only consistent movement Tennessee could seem to muster. Despite the up and down offense, you’d be hard pressed to find a cheaper date than Walker who will put out for you on a weekly basis. So, throw caution to the wind, listen to Smokey and me, and HIT IT.
Andrew Hawkins – Hawkins has seen 22 targets in the past 2 games for the Browns and caught 6 of 12 targets for 70 yards in the Browns’ win over the Saints Sunday. Hawkins’ 21-yard run also set up the game winning field goal by Cundiff with 3 seconds left in the game. The multiple targets should alone, put Hawkins on your bae radar and he is definitely worth owning in PPR. If you don’t jump on this, I will! HIT IT.
Niles Paul – Filling in for the perpetually banged up Humpty Dumpty, uh, I mean, Jordan Reed, Paul was everything Reed should be, but isn’t. He caught 8 passes for 99 yards and a TD and was running all over the open field like a naked hippie chick on peyote at a Grateful Dead concert. He is a decent TE1 option for as long as Reed is out, which, by history we know will be, um, say, ALWAYS! Paul is a sure thing. So drop your loyalty to Reed and make Paul your weekly hole to fill and HIT IT.
Kirk Cousins – Okay, first of all, if you drafted RGIII as your starter, you deserve everything that is happening to your roster right now. Seriously, Stevie Wonder could’ve seen an RGIII injury coming! Ok, now that that is off my chest, I can throw Cousins out there. When RGIII went down, Cousins came in and completed 22 of 33 passes for 250 yards and two touchdowns. He was not intercepted once. He appears to be a better fit for the Jay Gruden offense, but the powers that be have been tight lipped about making that fact public yet. It does not take a genius to see that Cousins outplayed and out commanded RGIII and with Griffin now out for, what looks like the season, Cousins is a solid QB2 pick. So, redeem yourself for that grenade of an RGIII pick in the 3rd round of your draft and make Cousins your HIT IT.
Matt Cassel – QB – Minnesota – Intercepted 4 times against the Patriots…4 times. 19-36 on pass attempts and one TD. Needless to say Cassel wins the “dog turd of the week award.” I am so glad I did not draft this dud. Poor decisions and the Vikings sheer inability to run the football made this a circle jerk gone wrong. There is not much else to say other than just walk away and QUIT IT.
Victor Cruz – Cruz absolutely killed me this week. He added 3 more drops this week and is up to 5 on the season going into week 3. He managed to secure just 5 of 10 targets and brought me a measly 50 yards. His stone hands problems make for some difficult lovin’. I may hold onto him for one more week, but as his fantasy draw drops, so may he from my already tissue paper thin roster. Women don’t like a man who is bad with his hands. He gets one more chance from me to change his ways and then he will be a QUIT IT.
Torrey Smith – WR – Baltimore – Smith is one game away from appearing on the side of a milk carton. Was he even there in the Week 2 matchup with the Steelers, or was that Tori Spelling? At this point, I think she may get more looks from Flacco than Smith did. He secured just 1 of 3 targets for 10 yards, drew a 23-yard penalty, and then was apparently abducted by aliens. He is presently looking at four grabs for 60 yards over these first two weeks of the season. This absence has some fantasy owners wondering if last season’s 1,128 yards was some kind of fluke. Although he may still have some long-term WR2 upside, you may want to free up your rosters for someone who would be guaranteed to produce more than Smith, someone like, say, the aforementioned Tori Spelling. It’s your call, but at this point, I would probably QUIT IT.
So, there you have it, my lovelies. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Follow me on twitter for all of my wonderful musings on the world of Fantasy sports and life in general. Until next week, remember, the Fantasy Gods are fickle, boobs, no matter how spectacular do not impact sports knowledge, and a girl can and will kick ass in a fantasy football league full of men.