Well, well, well, here we are again, my lovelies, creeping up on Week 5 of the 2014 NFL season. Did I say “creeping”? I meant hobbling, limping, gimping, crawling, and generally just dragging our sad, broken and battered remnants of the rosters we once drafted through another week. Heading into Week 5, my Black Widow Curse is still in full swing, and there continues to be plenty of man souls for me to feast upon, or to adorn in my glass trophy case. One of these days I will learn to pick off your rosters, instead of my own, but hey, curses aren’t an exact science, and as I said before, a girl’s gotta eat. Hell, even the stalker in the bushes outside of my house has started to abide by the fifty yards stipulated in the restraining order, for fear that the curse will hit him and he’ll blow out a knee or tear a hammy. [Jay’s Note: Baby steps J-FOH… baby steps.]
If you are in the same position as I am, and many of you are, judging by the comments you left on my last week’s article, we are now rostering many waiver wire players to fill in the gaps. Heck, even Keanu Reeves would be impressed with The Replacements we have going on. But, much like that bomb of a movie, our rosters are also bombing, as we are forced to start the best of the worst. So, I am here again to drop some fantasy football advice, give you a chance to fill in those gaps, break up with some of those rostered deadbeats who aren’t pulling their weight, and hopefully, just maybe, escape my Black Widow Curse for one week. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Hit it or Quit it: Week 5.
Mike Glennon – Look, I already told you we are looking at the best of the worst because we are so deep in rosters now that we are damn near starting players’ grandkids who haven’t even been born yet. Do you need a QB with some potential? Then Glennon may be for you. He completed 21 of 42 passes for 302 yards, two TD’s and an INT in Sunday’s laughfest with the Steelers. Sure, Glennon missed a ton of throws and had his passes dropped more than a hooker’s panties during Fleet Week, but he did successfully target Vincent Jackson 10 times, worked well under pressure, worked the pocket, and showed that he could deliver. He is 4% owned in most leagues right now and remains a low-end streaming option against the Saints in Week 5. So, lower your standards, realize that this is the best you can do right now, suck it up, and Hit it.
Clay Harbor – We already learned last week that we have some sore and banged up Tight Ends…wait, what? What is this, Tijuana? These TE jokes never get old. Harbor has been working it like he is bae of the year for the Jags by being their primary pass-catching TE and with Marcedes Lewis succumbing to my Black Widow Curse and out until at least week 11, Harbor is going to see more work. Catching 8 of 8 targets for 69 (tee hee) yards Sunday, Harbor showed he’s good with his hands, and that’s a good thing. Keep an eye on his calf injury that he suffered in the preseason, but if you need a mid-range TE2 for Week 5, dock your dingy into this Harbor and Hit it.
Isaiah Crowell – Outplaying Terrance West in Cleveland’s first three games, it seems that Crowell may be looking to move up the Hit it ladder and become the HBIC in good ole Brown Town. He is averaging 5 YPC to West’s 3 and seems to be more of a power back whereas West performs based off blocks. Ben Tate is set to return in Week 5 or at least until my curse decides to feast upon him again, but in the meantime, Crowell makes more sense over West in Dynasty leagues. Crowell also looks to be more of a big play threat given that he has 4 carries with 15-plus yards. He really wants you and really wants to be in you…your league that is. So, appreciate the love and effort and Hit it.
Brian Quick – Yeah, I know, it’s the Rams. But, if you are hurting for a WR right now, and I know you are because I love feasting on 6’3”, 218 lb hunks of man soul, Quick is your man. I know, I know, “quick” and “man” are two words that a woman never wants to hear, but this one is worth it. He is leading Rams receivers right now with 21 targets (the rest have no more than 10), including a 51-yard TD in the second quarter against the Cowboys in Week 3. He has put out at least 60 yards or a TD in all 3 games this season and is looking to be a nice, strong WR3 option for Week 5, coming off a bye week. So, if you like ‘em big, and I know some of you ladies do, jump on this horse and ride him through the rest of the season. Saddle up for a loooooong ride and Hit it.
Alfred Blue – Do you own Arian Foster in any of your leagues? Then you know that my black widow curse took him out with a hammy injury and in stepped our boy, Blue. In week 3, Blue rushed for 78 yards on 13 carries and followed that up with nine carries for nine yards in Week 4, following Foster’s return. Sure, Blue may be our boy, but on his own, he has little to no value. On the other hand, if you also happen to own Foster, then Blue is for you. So, if you own Foster let your kinky side out with this must-own handcuff, watch Blue get the ball and Hit it.
James Starks – Was Starks even there in the Packers Week 4 win over Chicago? Starks played 1 snap with zero carries, and the Packers have made it very clear that Eddie Lacy is their HBIC, even if he is only averaging 3 yards per carry. Starks, on the other hand has averaged 5.46 YPC over the past 2 seasons, but the Packers’ love for Lacy has left no room for attention to Starks. On the other hand, he could pose some usefulness in a double up handcuff situation, but we all know how those turn out when not everyone is paid attention to equally. Save yourself the heartbreak, move along, and Quit it.
Jermaine Gresham – Even with Tyler Eifert falling victim to my black widow curse, Gresham was pretty much non-existent. He caught 1 target for 5 yards in the Bengals Week 3 win over Tennessee. He is nothing more than a TE3, and with our Tight Ends being as sore and injured as they are, this is one more pain in the Tight End you don’t want to be desperate enough to go for. As tempting as it may be and as desperate as you are, just keep on movin’ and Quit it.
Riley Cooper – Cooper’s problems with performance continue as he doesn’t seem to be able to do much with the likes of Ertz, Matthews, and Sproles around him. Essentially, Cooper has become a role-playing blocker. Even though he caught 6 passes for 54 yards in the Eagles’ Week 4 loss to San Fran, a ridiculous drop as the Eagles were attempting to stage a comeback showed that his performance issues cause nothing but problems and disappointment. Cooper’s 71 yards through the first 3 games of the season shows little to no value there either. Don’t even waste your time with this dud. He’d probably just lie there anyway. Quit it.
Andre Williams – Yeah, the G-men completely annihilated Washington this past Thursday and it is still burned into my brain since I started Kirk Cousins. During a beat down that would even make Ray Rice say it went too far, Williams rushed 15 times for 66 yards and a TD, but his lone pass caused him to develop a spontaneous case of stonehands. Sure, he was pounding his way through Redskins, err, Native American, err (insert politically correct team name here) defenders, but it was the Redskins. Rashad Jennings is still the HBIC and Williams will prove to be nothing more than a side bitch. He may, indeed, have a future in New York at some point, but for now, unless you want to get your kinky on again and bust out those handcuffs, there is little to no value in Williams. Move on to bigger and better things. You deserve better. Quit it.
So there you have it, my lovelies. It is not pretty, but no one ever said scraping bottom of the barrel was a good place to pick anyone up. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Continue to follow me on Twitter for all of my Fantasy Football insights, musings, and general awesomeness. Until next week…