Welcome back, my lovelies! Here we are again, hooptie-ridin’ into Week 8. Yours truly managed to go a solid 4-2 this past week, which was not too bad considering most of my rosters now are waiver wire pickups and those few grounds crew guys I picked up back in Week 3 (Manuel is currently my all-time points leader). It also seems that the trip to the Voodoo Mambo, to rid me of the Black Widow curse, helped somewhat, as I managed to get through Week 7 without any of my players incurring concussions, blown knees, felonies, misdemeanors, or severed appendages. But, hey, it is Monday night at 8:00 PM as I am writing this, and I still have a couple guys playing tonight, so… anything is possible. Before I decide to feast upon more man souls this week, follow me and my spectacular breasts (they still don’t inhibit my ability to throw down some Fantasy Football knowledge) as we journey together into Hit it or Quit it: Week 8.
Carson Palmer – I have to admit that I picked up Palmer in my original Fantasy Football draft and kept him sitting quietly on my bench until his return. I am not known for making smart choices (a couple iffy boyfriends and cutting my own bangs once are proof of that), but this is one choice I am glad I made. Palmer completed 22 of 31 passes for 253 yards and two touchdowns in the Card’s Week 7 win over the Raiders. He did have one interception, and we all know how prone to those old Carsy can be, but even when there was a good amount of pressure put on him, he managed to perform. Palmer also is looking at a current pass completion rate of 66.1% with 7.9 yards per attempt. With some nice weapons at his disposal and a very favorable matchup in Week 8 against Philadelphia, drop your pants for this Palmer and Hit it.
Lamar Miller – Miller rushed for 62 yards and one touchdown on 18 carries in the Dolphin’s Week 7 win over the Bears. He also managed to catch two passes for an extra 22 yards. Sure, he is battling out Daniel Thomas for all the love and affection right now, but had his late four-yard touchdown not been called back, he would’ve had a much bigger day. At a point in the season when we are hurting for backs, Miller is a nice choice, especially since he’s part of an offense that wants to run the ball. Miami has Jacksonville in Week 8, need I say more? He should be a legit RB1 and certainly someone you should be trading for. Sack up and Hit it.
Doug Baldwin – Man crushes are real and there is no secret about the bro-love between Baldwin and Wilson. Baldwin caught seven passes for 123 yards and one TD in Seattle’s Week 7 loss to St. Louis. Baldwin was the target of 11 of Wilson’s 36 passes and is clearly the HBIC with the departure of Percy Harvin. Baldwin looks to be Wilson’s favorite target and is showing some WR4/5 potential. Seattle is looking at Carolina in Week 8, so that should speak for itself. Now that Harvin is out of the way, Baldwin in first in line at the singles bar. Walk on up, introduce yourself, and Hit it.
Bryce Brown – As my Black Widow Curse feasted on Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller (he’ll think twice before getting me negative points again), I am sitting here waiting for the stipend check from Brown to be delivered. With Jackson and Spiller out, Brown is next in line for all the man lovin’. Inactive in all games so far this season, Brown now gets a chance to shine and is looking to be one of the biggest waiver wire adds for Week 8. With 190 rushes for 878 yards (that’s 4.62 yards/carry) and 6 TD’s in his NFL career, it is time for Brown to step up. He had some fumblitus issues when he was with Philly, but he is excellent in the pass game and has some serious leg power (it’s all in the hips…). At just 6% owned in most leagues, Brown is a definite plug-n-play RB2 for Week 8. Listen to me on this one…you’ll be kicking yourself later. Hit it.
Tre Mason – Zac Stacy? Benched. Benny Cunningham? Out-touched…ouch, many a girl whose boyfriend I’ve stolen knows all about that. Anyhoo, Mason rushed for 85 yards and one TD on 18 carries in the Rams’ Week 7 win over Seattle. Mason out-touched Benny Cunningham 18-7 and Zac Stacy, as previously stated, was satisfied riding the bench, rethinking his life choices. With Jeff Fisher’s history of liking to ride one back (hey, who doesn’t? Am I right, ladies?), it looks like Mason is his man. At just under 17% owned in most leagues, Mason needs to be owned across the board in all formats. There’s a new bitch in town. Hit it.
Denard Robinson – Why, Mr. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? Ok, yeah, a guy nicknamed “Shoelace” seems to be the one to finally give the Jags some kind of running game. He rushed for 127 yards and a TD on 22 carries in Week 7. Robinson, a former Michigan Quarterback, looks more like the running back he is now. He busted out explosive runs on the outside and was given 22 touches to Storm Johnson’s six and Jordan Todman’s one. Even when Toby Gerhart returns, Robinson will more than likely remain the lead Running Back, or HBIC if you will. Jacksonville has Miami in Week 8, so keep an open mind that Robinson may struggle against a team with a fairly decent run defense that won’t just lay back and open their legs for anyone to march in. At about 10% owned in most leagues, you’d be a moron if you didn’t go for it. Here’s to you, Mr. Robinson. Hit it.
Kirk Cousins – Cousins, the NFL’s version of a one pump chump. Lots of Fantasy owners got raging stiffies when Cousins stepped up and had a monster game after RGIII suffered injury number 1,001. Unfortunately, Cousins was pretty much a Butterface and those stiffies shriveled fast after owners realized they were really banging Bea Arthur. Colt McCoy has now officially passed Cousins on the depth chart after Cousins was effectively, and rightly so, benched at halftime in Week 7. Cousins did excel in one thing…interceptions. He has managed to lead the NFL in them, despite being basically, a part-timer. Needless to say, at this point, Cousins is easily droppable in all leagues. This is a case of “it’s not me, it’s you, Kirk.” Quit it.
Storm Johnson – I have already let you know that there is only one bitch in charge in J-ville, and it ain’t Johnson. Rushing six times for 16 yards and a TD in Week 7, Johnson lost HBIC status to Denard Robinson. Johnson was not targeted a single time in the passing game either. Fantasy owners who started Johnson in Week 7 need to get down on their knees and blow the Fantasy Gods for the one garbage-time goal-line carry in the fourth quarter, because it sure is not going to happen again or often for that matter. This is one Johnson that won’t be seeing a lot of “playtime” in the future. Move along to something with more appeal. Quit it.
Niles Paul – Niles Paul is basically on a milk carton at this point in the season. He is a bae in theory only. He caught 2 of 2 targets in Week 7 for 58 yards, one of which was a 50-yard pass. Other than that, he was pretty much MIA in favor of Jordan Reed. Ladies, we all love a nice tight end, but one that can actually perform, right? Paul is not it. He is nothing more than waiver fodder and is not worth owning in 12-14 team leagues. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who can satisfy our needs. Quit it.
Alfred Morris – Okay, look, we all know I need to put at least one person on the Quit it list that makes you all go, “WTF is she talking about?!” Alfred Morris may just be that person. Listen, when your coach makes comments about you, such as “missed some cuts” and “isn’t working in concert…” then you know you’ve made it to my Quit it list. Averaging just 3.82 yards per carry, Morris has yet to reach a 100-yard day on the ground this season. You can blame RGIII’s absence for a lot of things going wrong with Washington right now, but it does not explain why Morris has lost a whole yard off his YPC and why he is averaging 63 weekly yards. If this keeps up, Morris can enjoy watching Roy Helu take over HBIC duties for him. Hold onto him if you must, as it is projected that RGIII will be back in Week 8, but keep in mind that he is nothing more than a low-end RB2/3 at this point. Also keep in mind that just because RGIII is coming back, it does not mean that he will stay for long. He is a walking porcelain doll. Do what you want, but when it’s over, it’s over. Quit it.
Justin Hunter – Okay, peep this…Hunter has played 177 of 185 snaps since taking over the starting job from Nate Washington 3 weeks ago. That’s about 95.6%. Yet, during that time he has seen only 12 targets giving him a line that reads: 7-182-1 in plus matchups. If Locker can get back in the lineup, that may prove better for Hunter, but for now, he remains a busted WR3, but you’re better off looking at him as a WR4, or not at all. He has been friend-zoned, big time! He’s there, but not getting any of the sweet, sweet lovin’. I’ll leave it up to you, but this girl likes a man who is assertive and can produce. I can safely say Quit it.
Cincinnati DST – Like all relationships, it started out great, but it seems like the honeymoon is over with Cincy’s defense. The “Bungles” managed to spread their legs for nearly 40 minutes in Week 7’s loss to Indianapolis. They did hold the Colts to 10 first-half points, but got drilled for 17 points in the second half, surrendered, bent over, and took it raw for 506 yards of total offense. Being someone who does not like to dwell on the negative, they did manage to recover two fumbles and had two sacks to make the line look a little prettier, but that didn’t help the overall picture. Cincy was on point for some really pretty Fantasy Points, averaging 13 points per game through three games, but have turned ugly and have given us just 11 combined points over the past three games. The Bengals are looking at Baltimore in Week 8, which is like Honey Boo Boo entering the Miss Universe pageant and expecting to win. We Pittsburghers refer to them as “The Bungles” for a reason. Trust me, Quit it.
Well, there you have it, my lovelies. Week 8’s Hits and Quits all in one, beautifully sexy article. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Follow me on Twitter for all of my sports knowledge throw-downs, general musings, and overall awesomeness. Until next week…