The NFL has finally begun, and so have the injuries. If you are trying to patch a few leaks in your fantasy BO-AT or Buoyancy Operated Aquatic Transport, I have just he Flex-Seal for you! A Quarterback, two Runningbacks, two Wide Receivers, and a Tight End to help stem the tumultuous tides of thee fantasy football flood waters.
Anthony Schwartz WR Browns
“Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.” Let’s be evil and show the rest of your league that your Schwartz is as big as theirs! If available, this guy should be one your top waiver wire priorities. The Browns dropped their 91st pick in the 2021 draft on Schwartz and now we see why. They plan to put his put his velocious quicks to good use. Anthony ran a 4.26 40 yard dash and a 10.07 100 meter dash. That’s not just fast, it’s a disappearing act. No one knows where Anthony is now, but he was last seen speeding through the Kansas City secondary. Catch him if you can and add him to your fantasy squad. PDQ! Now! Go go go! Well, I mean, read the rest of the list, but then, activate ludicrous speed!
Jaret Patterson RB Football Team
The plucky Patterson appears to have an opportunity get some serious snaps with the Worshington Football Progrum. He was the man after Antonio Gibson checked out with a shoulder injury late in the game. Football Progrum and Gibson are confident the injury is not a serious one and that’s a good thing. But c’mon, if you watched football like I did over the weekend you noticed at least one hit that made your face grimace every hour. NFL players are huge hypersonic heat missiles on a collision course with one another. The hits are epic, it’s part of the game. Dudes get hurt. Runningback dudes get hurt often. JP appears to be the backup in Washington, which means he will likely get a chance to play. Jaret does not waste opportunities. He is 5’ 8” 195 lbs. Don’t let his size fool ya, this guy is a big problem for defenses. His numbers at Buffalo are legendary over 4,000 scrimmage yards, 53 touchdowns, averaging 6.3 per touch… To quote the great Jim Ross, “Bih Gawd!”.
Patterson has his detractors. His 4.5 40 time wasn’t great, he went undrafted (even after his colossal college numbers) he’s probably closer to 5’,7’ 180 lbs (hardly the size of an NFL runningback), but this kid just keeps proving doubters wrong. Don’t be one of those doubters. Get Patterson wherever you can.
Cordarelle Patterson RB Falcons
Seriously, why not? He has all the physical attributes. 6’, 2” 230lbs runs a 4.4 forty yard dash. Cordarrelle has plenty of experience running the ball. As a runningback, most of his catches will not be under tight coverage, which should minimize his stone-handedness. Who is standing in his way? Gallman? Goll, man! Mike Davis? Is that even his real name? It sounds like a person in witness protection. Do we really expect these guys to keep a world class athlete on the bench? This guy should have been playing runningback for his entire career. I think the Falcons will take shot at starting him. What else do they have to lose. They already looked terrible in week one. I’ll ask again, why not?
Taylor Heinicke QB Football Team
Yet another Football Team player makes the list. I have always been a big Heinicke fan. He’s a smooth pale lager that will go fast and has zesty zip. I once drank a few too many of their Heineken keg cans on a bus trip from Iowa to a Chicago Cubs game and passed out sitting on shitter in Wrigley Field, now that’s the man’s way to catch hepatitis. On to Taylor, this guy can play. He proved it the playoffs last season. Heinicke offers a little bit of run along with an accurate arm and very few turnovers. He is a pest for opposing defenses. He scrambles around and keeps plays alive. I love this kind of Quarterback on a 3rd down. He won’t break many long runs, but his Rich Gannon-esque scrambles can get his team the 4 yards and keep the drive alive. He is the perfect Quarterback for Football Team because Football Team wants to shorten the game, play great defense, and play keep-away with the ball.
Heinicke wont shock the league with huge numbers, but I wont be surprised if he starts a playoff game in consecutive season for Football Team.
Braxton Berrios WR Jets
Jamison Crowder was unable to play Sunday due to illness and Berrios took his spot netting Berrios 7 targets and 5 receptions for 50 yards. Braxton is 3 years younger than Crowder and has been handling punt return duties for the Jets. He’s also much less expensive than Jamison and carries some serious pedigree. Double B was a 4 star recruit coming out of highschool with offers from Ohio State and Clemson; he eventually chose to become a Miami Hurricane Duck thing. Braxton is not a big man 5, 9” 190lbs, but he is fast (4.44 forty) and he has an insanely hot girlfriend, so this dude knows how to stand out in a crowded field of suitors. I don’t know that Berrios can Wally Pipp Jamison Crowder, but there is a slim chance he does. I think that slim chance is worth a pick up in deep and dynasty leagues.
James O’Shaughnessy TE Jaguars
So, Urban Meyer’s initial foray into NFL coaching was a stirring success but buried in the sad stat lines was James O’Shaughnessy’s 6 catches on 8 targets for 50 yards. Not bad for a tight end on an offense that performed poorly. Upon closer look, the Jaguars may have found something here in JOS. James was drafted in the 5th round of the 2015 by the Kansas City Chiefs and Andy Reid. I trust coach Reid’s judgment when it comes to playmakers on offense. Reid wound up trading O’Shaughnessy to some guy named Bill who will likely never amount to anything. The Patriots and Belicheck traded their 2017 6th round pick to secure the sought-after tight end, but O’Shaughnessy entered a crowded position room in New England and he couldn’t surface on the deep depth chart. He wound up getting waived by New England and that’s when he took his talents to Jacksonville. He’s put in his time with the Jags accumulating 29 starts since his arrival in 2017. The Jaguars are gonna be chasing points, which means they will be throwing the ball and Trevor Lawrence will need a safety valve as defensive ends turn up the pressure on obvious passing downs. O’Shaughnessy is poised be that release.
If you are hurting at tight end, pick him up.
A quick aside:
Norm Macdonald died of cancer while I was putting together this list. Norm is my favorite comedian, period. He is the best. His storytelling is amazing. Every joke is like condensed Kurt Vonnegut novel complete with a twist and often some serious self-reflection. Norm was a professional to the end hiding his cancer diagnosis for 9 years because he didn’t want it to affect the way people viewed him and his comedy. I won’t get into the details of his capital comedy career, instead I advise you, the next time you are feeling upset, frustrated, or sad, go to YouTube and watch him perform. You will think, you will laugh, and you will feel better.
