Welcome once again my festive fake footballers to the Razzball Lounge. Championship week has arrived. As the Fantasy Football season comes to it’s merciful end, it’s time for one more visit to the lounge where we fake football scribes have gathered for our annual Razzball Holiday Spooktacular. It’s that time of year where we don our Santa hats, show off our Christmas balls and toss back warm eggnog spiked with a combination of Canadian Club and rohypnol. The ladies love it! As championship weekend approaches, we find a humbug filled Sky slowly rocking back and forth muttering the words “muscle hamster” over and over. There’s JB settled under the Christmas tree like a drunken Linus, “Did Santa bring me a Luke Kuechly jersey?” At the jukebox we find J-FOH dropping quarters, playing “The Hanukkah Song” for the fifth time and singing, “drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah…” *bottle smashes above head* Meanwhile, the one and only Tehol Beddict asks this young lady, “Wanna see my Festivus pole??” And here at the pool table is your humble holiday sweater wearing Guru contemplating his final jammer/crammer list of fantasy ballers that’ll score you the Shiva, bragging rights and maybe enough cash to spend New Years in Vegas. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, throws up on waitress* “God bless us, every one.”
Availability: 89% Yahoo, 97% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 23.24 Fantasy points. Cousins completed 29-of-45 passes for 381 yards, three touchdowns, and two interceptions. RG who?
$$$ Value: If you made it this far, you probably don’t need a quarterback. But if you do, kiss this Cousin.
The Gist: Cousins got his first start after Mike Shanahan attempted to get fired by benching RGIII and he torched the Falcons for nearly 400 yards and three scores. Great news for Pierre Garcon owners. Great news if you’re trotting Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan or Carson Palmer out there this week thinking you can win a championship.
The X-File: In four appearances over two years, Cousins has completed 62 of 93 pass attempts for 847 yards, seven touchdowns, six interceptions, and a QB rating over 100.
Jam it or Cram it: Cousins will face a Dallas D on Sunday that allowed Matt Flynn to score five TDs…in the second half. If you reached the finals playing the stream game at QB, Cousins could be an early Christmas present in Week 16. If you don’t need him, but have room, you could always snag him so your opponent doesn’t. You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. JAM
Availability: 93% Yahoo, 99% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 24.60 points. Asiata rushed 30 times for 51 yards and three touchdowns. *slow clap*
$$$ Value: Save your cash for Christmas shopping. I do all my shopping at 7-11 on Christmas Eve. Batteries and beef jerky for everyone!
The Gist: If you were one of the six people that started Asiata and his three career carries on Sunday, I surrender my dirty turban to you. Disregard the tabouli smell. With AP and Toby Gerhart both out, Asiata rushed 10 times more than he ever has and while the yardage wasn’t exciting the three scores were.
The X-File: In one start, Asiata tied the Vikings record of most rushing touchdowns in a single game. An Asiata statue is currently being erected in downtown Minneapolis next to Prince and Mary Tyler Moore.
Jam it or Cram it: Great game Asiata. Nice pickup for those psychic Fantasy ballers out there. He’ll never be heard from again. With Peterson and Gerhart expected back this week, you can safely set Matt Asiata next to those other Hall of Fame Fantasy fillinski’s Tim Tebow, Mike Anderson and Samkon Gado. CRAM
Jam or Cram: Andre Caldwell, WR, Denver Broncos
Availability: 99% Yahoo, 99.9% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 17.90 points. Caldwell caught six passes for 59 yards and two scores last Thursday night.
$$$ Value: Do what it takes if you need him. Or just wait to grab him off free agency, he’ll be there.
The Gist: Caldwell’s performance filling in for the injured Wes Welker was the classic case of “this helped no one.” There was not a savvy Fantasy baller out there that started, let alone owned, Caldwell. That will change this week if Wes Welker is still nursing a concussion in a dark room with his drool cup wondering why that mean man with the giant forehead is throwing footballs at him.
The X-File: Guru confession: When I saw Caldwell on the field I checked the waiver wire for Reche Caldwell. He’s not there. You’re welcome.
Jam it or Cram it: Reche’s brothers value is all dependent on the condition of Welker. Personally, I’m lighting a candle for Wes as I own him everywhere. If Wes stays concussed, I’m rolling the dice on Caldwell in the finals. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a Fantasy Football Championship and a bottle of Islay. Oh, and a rocket launcher. JAM as needed, but I grab Cordarrelle Patterson first if he’s out there.
Availability: 57% Yahoo, 88% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 11.30 points. Walker had eight catches for 53 yards and a touchdown Sunday.
$$$ Value: Still playing tight end roulette? Give Walker a spin.
The Gist: There’s a bunch of tight ends on the wire, but Walker is the best of the bunch. Finally recovered from a concussion, he’s a big target and a red zone threat. Taking away the games he missed, Walker has at least eight targets in four straight games, scoring in three.
The X-File: Walker’s six TDs are the most by a Titans tight end since Frank “Music City Miracle” Wycheck caught six in ’96. That’s a Guru factoid.
Jam it or Cram it: Walker gets a sweet match up against the Jaguars this week. The Jags have given up the second most points to TEs on the season. Put him down as a top 7 TE for finals week. JAM
Jam or Cram: Cleveland Browns, DEF/ST
Availability: 75% Yahoo, 78% ESPN
$$$ Value: Spend away if you need a D. You can’t take the cash left with you.
The Gist: The Browns defense may give up points, but they do get turnovers — 10 in the last seven games with three scores.
The X-File: Play in an IDP League? Take a look at DB Tashaun Gibson. He had over 30 Fantasy points last week.
Jam it or Cram it: The Browns play the turnover giving Jets Sunday. The J-E-T-S have a league-leading 28 turnovers this year. At least they haven’t butt fumbled. JAM
Jam or Cram: Phil Dawson, K, San Francisco 49ers
Availability: 44% Yahoo, 27% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 20.00 points. Dawson kicked four field goals Sunday including a 47 and a 43-yarder.
$$$ Value: Spend all the cash you have left on a kicker just to rub it in your leagues face.
The Gist: Dawson has 18 FGs in his last six games.
The X-File: Dawson has booted a team record 24 consecutive field goals.
Jam it or Cram it: This is the last time in a while I’ll have to write about kickers. That’s one of the few positives about the season coming to an end. I’ll miss you my sweet Razzballer’s. Hold me! Oh, yeah, JAM on Dawson.
*BONUS TRACKS: WEEK 16*
Jordan Todman, RB, JAC: Filling in for Maurice Jones-Drew, Todman carried 25 times for 104 yards and caught four passes for 44 yards. If MJD is out again with a hammy, then it’s a JAMMY. Otherwise, CRAM.
Thanks for hanging in the Razzball Lounge and good luck in the Shiva Bowl. Look , mistletoe. Leave a question below or hit me up on Twitter @TheGuruGS.