Welcome once again my fantasy friends to The Razzball Lounge. The Lounge is the place we fake football scribes gather to talk the trash, tease the Tehol and drown the sorrows in early morning Bloody Mary’s – hey bartender, make it spicy and put a pickle in that! JB, that’s not a pickle. This week in the lounge it’s our annual Razzballin’ Halloweeny Spooktacular. That means you drink anytime someone screams “Ghostbusters” and also explains why Sky is dressed as a pregnant nun and snorting crushed up Smarties off the bar. “Hey guys, anyone want a bump?” Sky loves his sugar high and just can’t kick the habit. See what I did there? *high fives no one* Dropping quarters at the jukebox Jay Wrong plays “The Monster Mash” for the 23rd time. “Check out my Jennifer Lawrence costume!” *bottle smashes above head* It should be noted that Jay’s “Jennifer Lawrence” costume consists only of a brown wig and yoga pants. One of these things he wears on a regular basis. Locked in the ladies room the one and only Tehol Beddict, clad in his 6th grade He-Man Masters of the Universe costume, is sharing his “fun-size Snickers” with this handsome lady. “I thought she was dressed as a member of the Village People? Really.” And standing here at the pool table in my Edward Scissorhands get-up is your humble-but-nonetheless-festive Guru. *closes eye, aims cue, fires ball through window, cuts face* “You try to shoot with scissors for hands!” Here be the Week 9 Fantasy Frankensteins. It’s time to jam it or cram it.
Availability: 64% Yahoo, 75% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 14.92 fantasy points. Pryor completed 10-of-19 passes for 88 yards and two interceptions. Oh, he also opened the game with a 93-yard touchdown run. The longest run by a QB in NFL history.
$$$ Value: $8. With six teams on a bye, it’s that time of year to spend some saved up waiver bucks on things other than kickers. Why are you spending on kickers?
The Gist: Pryor’s passing accuracy won’t be confused with Peyton Manning anytime soon. However, Manning is on a bye this week and Pryor get’s the Eagles. He’s the perfect one week wonder. Pryor may not look great with just five passing touchdowns in six games this season, but the points he scores on the ground add up to fantasy wins. Do you want to look pretty or do you want to win? *takes off tiara, slowly walks away*
The X-File: Quick, name the top wide receiver on the Raiders? Fred Biletnikoff? No, disembodied Razzballer voice, it’s Denarius Moore. Here, have a fun-size Kit-Kat.
Jam it or Cram it: Starting Pryor against an Eagles defense that is averaging opposing QBs to score over 16 points a game is a scary matchup. For Philly fans. Pryor won’t light up the passing stat board, but has two 100 yard rushing games this year and two others with over 50. Need a bye week filinski? Grab Pryor. Did you think I was going to write about Thad Lewis? JAM
Availability: 79% Yahoo, 83% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 12.40 fantasy points. Tolbert had seven carries for 35 yards and four catches for 29 yards and a TD last Thursday night.
$$$ Value: $4. I might consider dropping two $2 bills on Tolbert. Why do I have a pocketful of Jefferson’s? They only accept them at this fine establishment.
The Gist: Tolbert is one of those ol’ fashioned bowling ball bruisers that should be playing fullback in the 70’s. I just had a Rocky Bleir flashback. Google him. However, it’s 2013 and Tolbert may get some goal line work against the Falcons this week.
Jam it or Cram it: Hard to roll with anyone in the Carolina backfield right now. You should have listened to me a month ago when I jammed on Andre Ellington. If you snoozed on Juke you can either jump in your hot tub time machine or take a chance on Tolbert. Meet me in the hot tub. Wear swim trunks this time. CRAM
Availability: 75% Yahoo, 80% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 36.20 fantasy points. Jones caught eight passes for 122 yards and four touchdowns. Yes, FOUR touchdowns.
$$$ Value: $15. If you want him it’s going to take over $20 to get him. I spent my last 20 on this.
The Gist: A man named Marvin put up the second best fantasy scoring day of the year on Sunday. We salute you, Mr. Jones, but Bob Dylan’s not writing any songs about you. Jones does have 15 receptions, 250 yards and 6 TDs the past three weeks and the Red Rifle Andy Dalton is looking his way.
The X-File: Jones only played 18 snaps on Sunday.
Jam it or Cram it: Jones would have been Sunday’s fantasy stud were it not for the Megatron performance by Calvin Johnson. Jones will be one of the most stalked waiver wire wonders this week. I see him more of a one-hit wonder. Think of it this way: Megatron is Prince. Marvin Jones is Ray Parker Jr. GHOSTBUSTERS! CRAM
Availability: 95% Yahoo, 97% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 10.80 fantasy points. Wright caught five passes for 48 yards and a touchdown last week.
$$$ Value: $3. Multi-position availability is valuable. Playing for the Buccaneers is not.
The Gist: Wright is the No. 2 option for quarterback Mike Glennon since Doug Martin tore his labrum and Mike Williams blew up his hammy. Wright could be a Jimmy Graham type of TE if he had Drew Brees throwing him the ball. Did I just type that out loud?
The X-File: Averaging over 7 fantasy points the last three weeks.
Jam it or Cram it: The Buccaneers get the Seattle Seahawks this week who have been tough on tight ends all season. Expectations are not high, but with Vernon Davis and Antonio Gates on byes this week the rookie may be the Wright fit for you. That was wrong. My luck with tight ends has been bad. I’d pick up a hitchhiker in a “I Heart Murder” t-shirt if he could give me 7 points. JAM
Jam or Cram: New Orleans Saints, Defense/Special Teams
Availability: 41% Yahoo, 56% ESPN
$$$ Value: $5. $5 bucks can go a long way in New Orleans. I once bought a Hurricane on the street there and woke up on the bathroom floor the next morning with two funny bite marks in my neck. Kindly put your crucifix away.
The Gist: Rob Ryan has turned the Saints D around this season. They’re currently averaging over 8 fantasy points a week, have 24 sacks, 12 forced fumbles and nine interceptions.
The X-File: The Saints’ defense, last in the league a year ago, has held six of seven opponents under 20 points.
Jam it or Cram it: The Saints D/ST has been very opportunistic this season and they get the J-E-T-S on Sunday whose offensive strategy is: give up sack, throw pick. JAM
Good luck in Week 9 and thanks for hanging in the Razzball Lounge. Hit the Guru up below with your fantasy queries or follow The Guru on Twitter @TheGuruGS for the daily jam or cram, fantasy roster 411’s and other gooey shenanigans.