Welcome to another edition of Jay’s (hey, that’s me!) Review of all things Week 2. Except for Monday Night Football, just as bad as Thursday Night Football, but now without Chris Berman. So slightly better. Maybe. Who knows actually? I’m just waiting for when the NFL figures out how to have a game on every night and additionally draw out the NFL Draft for entire offseason. You think it might not happen, but Roger Goodell is already telling Robert Kraft to hold his beer (usually it’s his penis). So yeah, that was basically me saying that MNF is too late for this existential journey, maaaan. And sure, what I just typed may have come off as sassy, but that’s only because MB RSVP’d (so many acronyms, so little time!) probably the best GIF from Week 2 with the Lynch Safety Dance. You probably only understood that reference if you’re a member of AARP, but hey, on the bright side, more acronym dropping. So instead, I have chosen Todd Gurley to shine my light upon with the utmost care and love. Which is what I also refer to as a boner. And behold above, if that GIF doesn’t turn you on, I don’t want to be off. I feel like this could be the new Dyson’s vacuum cleaner slogan. Or the
first last line I’ll ever say to a first last date. The possibilities are endless, just like a world with a functioning Todd Gurley. Is he back? (Maybe?) Was he ever gone? (Yeah.) (Vague) Answers to these questions and your usual daily allotment of hot takes, yokes (jokes in egg form, or I guess I could have just corrected the typo instead of typing this long sentence out… wait, am I still typing?), and your Week 2 Top Plays in GIF form are all after the jump!
Top Plays in GIFs: Travis Kelce Leaps Into the Endzone for a 15-yard TD.
Yeah, you got a touchdown, but where’s my taunting penalty, brah?
Things I Learned In Week 2: The Definitive List (Accept No Others!)
- Paprika is for men.
- The Chiefs are actually pretty good and pretty bad all at the same time. (I especially liked how Andy Reid’s strategy, with Alshon Jeffery‘s being targeted roughly two dozen times yesterday, was to do nothing.)
- Don’t stare into the sun.
- Patriots played ANGRY after a loss, according to all the great T.V. analysts out there. “GRRRRR!” – Tom Brady, when he can’t find his favorite pairs of Uggs. (I mean, why is there this assumption that every time the Patriots lose a game, they are “playing angry” the next game, and that this makes them better? Other teams lose all the time and it doesn’t give them special magical angry powers…)
- Jets still suck.
- Bears really-really suck.
- The Browns are still very-very Browns.
Top Plays in GIFs: Zach Ertz Makes Strategic Tipped-ball Catch.
In the most Eagles thing ever, they missed the field goal after this play going into the half… I should point out that this was actually one of the few highlights from Sunday’s “STOP STANDING THERE AND THROW THE EFFING BALL ALREADY!-Bowl” between Carson Wentz and Alex Smith.
Hot Takes Alert! The Hottest You’ve Ever Seen! Until the Next Set of Hot Takes!
- I did really like Golden Tate III: The Search for Blocks. The plot started wandering in Golden Tate II.
- Torrey Smith is still alive?
- So… can anyone explain Odell Beckham Jr.’s blonde jellyfish hairdo? Like, is that a millennial thing?
- We are now officially past the Week 2 saga of “How Long Will These Teams Claim Colin Kaepernick Isn’t As Good As Their Dumpster Fire Quarterback”. Highlights include the always idiotic Jeffrey Laurie claiming that he doesn’t like it when people protest the flag. I feel like that statement could use more Chip Kelly uptempo.
- “Stat sheets don’t tell the whole story.” – Brian Hoyer.
- Aaron Rodgers probably talks to his family less than the Menendez Brothers.
Top Plays in GIFs: Aqib Talib Returns an Interception 103 Yards Against the Dak Attack.
So if Ezekiel Elliott never really contributed to this game, does that count towards his suspension? Also sorta-related (not really), but this is the fifth year in a row Peyton Manning ensures I never ever use Nationwide for anything. Just saying.
Obligatory Week 2 Injury Report: I Am Just Here for the Catastrophic Season-Ending Injuries!
- After leaving early against the Bills and being on crutches on the sideline, Greg Olsen told reporters post-game that he suffered a broken foot. With Olsen out indefinitely, Ed Dickson (D*cksON mutha f*cka, amirite folks?) will take over the starting tight end role.
- Rob Gronkowski suffered a groin injury on Sunday against the Saints… who does he think he is, Danny Amendola? I’d take a solid guess for how long he’ll be out, but I’ll do it cosplaying the Patriots injury report: His return to football for the rest of time is “questionable”.
- Green Bay Packers receiver Jordy Nelson left in the first quarter of the Sunday night game with a quad injury and was ruled questionable to return.
- Corey Coleman broke his hand in the loss to the Baltimore Ravens. He suffered a similar injury last season and missed six weeks. Rashard Higgins would be a potential waiver add if Coleman is sidelined.
- Corey Davis exited with a hamstring injury in the team’s win over the Jacksonville Jaguars. He re-aggravated a previous similar injury early in the preseason, which forced him to miss most of training camp.
- Sam Bradford missed the Minnesota Vikings’ game against Pittsburgh Steelers with a left knee injury and is still questionable for Week 3.
- Redskins running back Rob Kelley had a strong game going against the Los Angeles Rams before going down with a rib injury. If Kelley misses significant time, Chris Thompson will see more snaps. Samaje Perine will just receive fumbling lessons on the bench, brought to you by NFL Coaching 101.
- Eddie Lacy was a healthy scratch for the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe he was just too hungry?
Top Plays in GIFs: Mike Glennon Intercepted By Fate.
I haven’t seen a Giraffe get this messed up since European hunters first came to Africa. And remember kids, you can’t spell “Glennon” without NO.
Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have Hit PEAK BEARS!
- The John Fox era in Chicago is a lot like the Lovie Smith era, you know, except that they don’t have a quarterback, a defense, a kicker, or a return specialist… but, uh, they both have subpar wide receivers! Yeah…
- Hey, something I failed to mention in the last bullet point, but remember that time when the Bears had a great secondary? Me neither…
- Tarik Cohen: A black Jew who plays for the Bears. In the NFL, they call this the triple whammy.
- I’d say we’re at 11:59 PM on the Bears Trubistkytown clock. MIDNIGHT IS FAST APPROACHING PEOPLE.
- Whenever the Bears get you down Chicago, just remember, they’re just doing what the Cubs did… lose for a while until the perfect time comes along… and then strike! What’s that? They forgot about the whole drafting good players aspect of Theo Epstein’s plan to win? Ohhhhh…
Top Plays in GIFs: Johnny Hekker Completes Successful A “HOLY SH*T, THAT WORKED?” Fake Punt Pass.
The Redskins getting caught off guard? That doesn’t seem right…
Grudenism Break Time!
- THESE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS, I CALL EM PIERRE CAUCHON, BECAUSE THEY TORCHED THE SAINTS!
- THIS SEAHAWKS REDZONE OFFENSE, I CALL EM A FAILED ORGY, BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET TO SIX BUT THEY ONLY GET THREE!
- THIS GUY JARED GOFF, I CALL EM JARED GOLF CAUSE HE JUST TEED IT UP ALL DAY FOR THE REDSKINS!
Top Plays in GIFs: Rob Gronkowski Shakes Off Defender with Bright Underwear for a 53-yard Touchdown.
Of course Rob Gronkowski wears neon colored underwear, and of course it shows out from under his uniform at all times, because THAT’S SO GRONK, BRAH!
The Mercedes-Benz Stadium Looks Like a Butthole Section!
I’m calling the new Falcons stadium “The Poop Cutter” until I think of something more clever. Spoiler Alert: I won’t.
- I have this idea… an almost prescient one, that Roger Goodell will spend this coming offseason demanding that every open air stadium be retrofitted with a retractable roof to avoid weather delays. He will insist the $2 billion, per city, in taxpayer money will be required, and it’ll be necessary due to the immense importance we place on the safety of the fans.
Top Plays in GIFs: Jacquizz Rodgers Spins Into the End Zone for a 1-Yard Touchdown.
When Jacquizz Rodgers has kids, he’ll be Pop Jacquizz. Just thought I should point that out.
Interesting Tidbits Around the League: MMMM TIDBITS.
- Los Angeles Chargers tight end Antonio Gates broke the all-time tight end touchdown record yesterday with a 7-yard TD from quarterback Philip Rivers. And then suddenly, the “Gates” to Heaven opened, St. Peter approached and asked: “But did you play basketball?”
- So the Patriots took apart the Saints defense you say? That’s weird… I didn’t know the Saints had a defense.
- Brian Hoyer had a quarterback rating of 44 at one point yesterday. He could have probably just taken a knee on every play from then on and it would have gone up.
- Will Tye sounds like a character from a Dr. Seuss poem.
- The Jets have more touchdowns than the Bengals. LOL.
- Speaking of the Jets, it’s not really fair for a ranked team like the Raiders to beat up on a Division IV team at home. Well… I guess it could be valuable experience for the younger guys and provide a good morale boost next week when the Jets face off against the heavily favored Pasadena School for the Deaf, Dumb, and Blind.
- And speaking of the Raiders, sometimes I think Jeff Triplette lives to penalize them, but then I look at the numbers and realize that no, he actually gets PAID to do it.
- Andre Ellington, Chris Johnson, AND Carson Palmer on the same team? Did I accidentally time travel all the way back to 2012?
- Adrian Peterson only got eight touches. He gonna be maaaaaad.
- Holy sh*t, I just realized I’ve been watching Jay Cutler while writing this post.
- Fantasy advice from the previous week that would have worked this week and will probably work next week? Start any and all Raiders. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
- When did the Jaguars start understanding the concept secondary coverage? What is this dark timeline we find ourselves in? Wait, don’t answer that…
- Still hard to believe that in 2017, when you have a franchise quarterback like Cam Newton or Russell Wilson, teams still don’t invest in their OL.
- Phil Dawson kicked a game-winning 40-yard field goal yesterday, which is one yard for every three years of his age.
Top Plays in GIFS: Cleveland Browns Do a Good?
The sweet isn’t as sweet unless you’ve tasted the sour. That’s what I usually tell Browns fans. Also, I tell them that Cleveland would be a better place to live if there were paved roads.
Hot Takes! The Hotter, the Better! Just Like Mothers!
- I really enjoyed Arthur Blank when he played the bad guy in Death Wish 3.
- “Jesus, did I forget to include a sunset clause in this thing?” – Satan, revisiting his contract with Tom Brady.
- Everytime an announcer says “That’ll be the final play of the quarter…” with a few seconds still ticking off the clock, I really wish the coach would call timeout just to prove them wrong. WHERE IS ALL THE JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?
- Did Alabama not generate enough fat running backs this past year for Green Bay to replenish their stock?
- I have so many questions about this KIA commercial where the baby hamster escapes the maternity ward: Why does it need to escape? Where are the parents? Why can’t the hamster just walk out the front door? I mean, I’m not even getting to the part about hamsters driving cars. Or anyone wanting to drive a KIA.
- The Jaguars are totally winning that division, with no quarterback and nothing better than a WR4. Bank it.
- You know what’s really entertaining? A Colts versus Cardinals game without either team’s only impactful offensive player.
THE Top Play in Week 2: Younghoe Koo Misses Potential Game-Winning 44-yard Field Goal.
Ho Lee Fuk.
The Official “My Chargers Moved to L.A. Seven Stages of Grief” Statement!
- I bet you the real reason why the Chargers can’t play the Rams in the regular season is because neither team would have a visiting crowd willing to buy tickets.
Final Thought: But, Why?
It’s super weird that the Chargers celebrate touchdowns with a Civil War cannon that predates electricity, right?
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