First they came for David Johnson, and I did not speak out – Because I did not draft him. Then they came for Allen Robinson, and I did not speak out — Because I did not care about the Jaguars. Then they came for Greg Olson, and I did not speak out — Because he was just a tight end. Then they came for Odell Beckham Jr. — and there was no one left that could medically attend to my liver and rescue my fantasy team. Exactly how hurt is OBJ? Well, despite bringing out one of those weird curtains that they break out when a horse goes down on the track before carting him off the field… I’d say not good. It’s a broken leg (I guess I could have GIF’d the injury, but nothing is as cringe-inducing as watching a human body part break in slow motion… and all of our uncles drunk at Thanksgiving), so one first has to ask, how do we define “broken”? Well, I’m no doctor, but experts have told me (i.e. I know how to Google) that it was his fibula and that an MRI to check for ligament damage took place earlier today, but one thing’s for certain (unless Ian Rapport is involved), OBJ is gone for a while. (Along with the rest of the Giants receivers. Seriously, read the injury report further down after the jump… I feel like stigmata is next.) I still have to ask though, for the sake of my aforementioned liver… If Odell Beckham can catch with one hand, can’t he run on one ankle?
Top Plays in GIFs: Giants running back Orleans Darkwa runs 23 yards for a touchdown.
Hot Takes: Hotter Than Hot-Hot-Hot!
- Can Colin Kaepernick play wide receiver? I know a team that might be interested…
- Eli always looks like he can’t decide between Snake Eyes or Storm Shadow for his Halloween costume.
- Your first place New York Football Jets? Your first place Jacksonville Jaguars? Los Angeles Rams in first place too? Bengals are game out of first place? This weekend has reminded me that I know absolutely nothing about the NFL.
- So, let’s focus on the AFC North for a minute… It’s going to be Steelers and Ravens fighting each other, Bengals nearby threatening to make this an triple-threat, and the Browns are also in the division too. Doing
somethingnothing. Is it just me or has this exact thing been going on the last decade or so?
Top Plays in GIFs: Christian McCaffrey’s runs for his first career touchdown.
Finally, white running backs can stop being oppressed by the NFL.
Hot Takes: So Hot, I Had to Find a Thesaurus to Call These Takes Blistering! Torrid! Broiling?
- I hope Marvin Harrison has a good alibi for why he wasn’t at Peyton’s Number retirement ceremony.
- Panda Express has commercials now? As someone who’s half-Asian, I would not let a young child get that near to a man dressed as a panda…
- I think the most intriguing thing about the new Justice League movie is how it looks like they are going to shoehorn in underwater scenes just so they have some use for Aquaman. And where’s the Green Lantern? (Checks IMDB. Oh, that’s why…)
- I still can’t believe there are Raiders fans who insist that Hue Jackson is a good head coach. He’s not. Just stop.
Top Plays in GIFs: A.J. Green does A.J. Green-like things.
Hot Takes: The Hottest You’ll Drop in Week 5!
- Cincinnati’s attendance seemed real L.A.-like yesterday. Here are my reasons why: 1. Kneeling. 2. Losing. 3. Raining. 4. Church 5. Can’t afford tickets. 6. Andy Dalton being a ginger.
- I still believe that RedZone needs to answer for the fact that the first game they showed yesterday morning was Chargers-Giants. No one needs that, and I’m a Chargers fan. (Maybe. Sorta. Who knows anymore?)
- Joey Bosa might set the sack record by halftime if he ever went against the Seahawks offensive line. A guy can dream, can’t he?
- I find it interesting that Pierce Brosnan said he quit the Bond franchise because he didn’t want to do spy films anymore, and that’s all he’s done since. What up with that?
- Matt Cassel exists only to be hurt. Yes, yes, you too Sean Lee, now go back to your surgery.
- This year’s Arizona Cardinals team is horrible and ravaged with injuries. Just shelter Carson Palmer and let him preserve his internal organs so I can start making some Blaine Gabbert jokes already.
Top Plays in GIFs: Eagles touchdown scored by Guy No One Owns in fantasy.
After the Donovan McNabb era, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing an Eagles quarterback throwing a fade.
Obligatory Injury Report: Stop Hurting ODB KIDS!
- New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. was carted off the field late in the fourth quarter after suffering a fractured left ankle in the team’s loss. Wide receivers Sterling Shepard and Brandon Marshall also left the game after suffering ankle injuries. Both Shepard and Marshall suffered ankle sprains with Shepard out for at least a week, but the Giants could hold him out until the bye in three weeks. Receiver Dwayne Harris left the game in the third quarter after suffering a fracture in his foot. Giants are basically down to like one receiver… though, it’s not like Eli even aims for his receivers anyways, and he probably still won’t throw to Evan Engram. But don’t worry! Eli is already practicing his cursive so he can sign all these casts like a big boy.
- Houston Texans pass rushers Whitney Mercilus (chest) and J.J. Watt (knee) both exited Sunday night’s game against the Kansas City Chiefs early and both did not return. The team announced earlier today that Watt suffered a tibial plateau fracture to his left leg and is out for the rest of the 2017 season. At this rate, Watt is going to be euthanized behind the stadium dumpsters in Week 2 of the 2018 season. Houston defenders just doing their best impression of Giants wide receivers I guess.
- Bengals wide receiver Tyler Boyd suffered a right knee injury and exited the game. Cornerback Adam Jones also exited after he suffered a back injury. Probably from acting like a d*ck.
- Buffalo Bills tight end Charles Clay was carted off the field after suffering a knee injury and e did not return to the game and is listed as “questionable” going into Week 6.
- Tight end Travis Kelce is in the concussion protocol after taking a hit to the head during the first half. Wide receiver Chris Conley has a ruptured Achilles and is out for the season.
- Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Jeremy Maclin (hand) was active and played against the Raiders and should be good to go in Week 6. Running back Terrance West suffered a calf injury and did not return. Ray Lewis didn’t witness any of this.
Top Plays in GIFs: Zane Gonzalez misses a 39-yard field goal attempt to break a 0-0 tie before the half.
Oh Browns, never stop being you.
Hot Takes – J-E-S-Ts and Browns Edition!
- I’d just like to point out that the head coach (Ben McAdoo-doo) of the Giants is their former offensive coordinator and they are second-last in the league in points scored per game. I only mention this here because the Jets have a better record, so yeah. It’s all connected. The Giants are now the Kevin Bacon of terrible football. Speaking of which…
- The Browns and Jets are the Air Coryell in terms of playing terrible football.
- We didn’t get it, but the most Jets and Browns thing ever would be if that game ended in a draw. Also if a sink-hole appeared and swallowed everyone the field. I may have just spoiled a Batman movie.
- Ideal game-ending that should have happened? Still a 0-0 tie, with two seconds left in O.T., Kizer throws an interception in the Jets end zone that gets taken back 103 yards, which is then fumbled at the 1, with the football bouncing out of the end zone for a touchback.
- Good news though! In the fight against terror (#MAGA), the CIA recorded the Jets-Browns game for future use, you know, to compliment their “enhanced interrogation techniques”.
Top Plays in GIFs: Kiko Alonso gets a big hit on Matt Cassel.
I haven’t seen an Alonso destroy a Cassel like that since the Catholics reconquered Spain from the Moors.
Top Plays in GIFs: Chuck Pagano comes up with a play that’s WORSE than the fake punt.
I haven’t seen a Colt get put out of it’s misery like that since Barbaro.
Hot Takes: Mike Pence Wears a Zorro’s Mask of Crow’s Feet Edition!
- Is Mike Pence going to continue show up to NFL games just to abruptly leave? If so, he can join the rest of the Los Angeles sports fan base.
- So basically, Pence went to a game knowing full well he was going to leave? That’s just fake news. Everyone knows that he was going to stay for the entire game, but when he found out Jacoby Brissett was the quarterback instead of Andrew Luck, that’s when he left. Because he’d already put up with eight years of a black guy in charge and that was more than enough for him.
Top Plays in GIFs: Big Ben throws his fifth interception of the day.
Terrible throw by Big Ben. Almost like he has really bad judgment or something. HARF HARF HARF.
Hot Takes: Fantasy Hot Takes are the Best Hot Takes!
- Last time Big Ben had five picks, it was his security detail blocking from entering a bar bathroom.
- NOTE to self: Never, ever start the Raiders’ defense again.
- Joe Flacco was forcing it to Ben Watson like he started him in fantasy. I’m not amused.
- Dear Sammy Watkins, Thanks for being more useless than my bathing suit areas during high school. – Signed, Fantasy Football.
- Imagine if Bilal Powell was on an actual NFL team… actually, never mind, I just imagined it and he was exactly the same.
- How did Carlos Hyde have only 18 yards TOTAL against the Colts? “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” – Dr. Jekyll.
Top Plays in GIFs: Aaron Rodgers’ clutch run and game-winning touchdown pass to Davante Adams.
Hot Takes: Re-cut Seven Times to be Hotter and More Replicant-y!
- Aaron Rodgers is better than Tom Brady. No question. Why? I’ll tell you why. He’s had Mike McCarthy as a head coach and Brady has the Grumblelord. I rest my case.
- Is there a major TV network Michael Strahan doesn’t work for? He’s almost on enough shows to fit through his two front teeth.
- Terrance Williams continues to horrify me. We all have a purpose in this life, I suppose.
- So, since Tony Romo and his time-tested and missed Romonobyl’s are no longer in the NFL, at what point can we start calling Cowboys choke jobs a Dakashima disaster?
Top Plays in GIFs: Tyreek Hill’s 82-yard punt return touchdown.
Tyreek is a Hill I’d die on.
Hot Takes: Sunday Night Football Edition and Andy Reid Fat-Shaming Edition!
- Andy Reid loves Texas. It’s the only place where you can order a whole cow and no one looks at you funny.
- Have the Chiefs been in a prime time game three weeks in a row now? And the season opener? There’s no joke here. I’m just shocked that this is a thing.
- Travis Kelce isn’t a tight end in the traditional sense. No, he’s Alex Smith’s “security blanket”.
- Andy Reid’s genius plan for shutting down Deshaun Watson and my attention span last night? Bore us to death with multiple twenty-minute field goal drives.
- I think Chicago Fire is really regretting that there isn’t a “give me your badge and gun” equivalent line for firefighters. “Give me your helmet and hose” just has an entirely different connotation, ya know? Also, when do we get Chicago Landscaping and Chicago Sanitation Department on NBC?
- The Chiefs are really gonna be the #1 seed in the AFC, hunh? I mean, we all know the Chiefs are going to have a great rest of the regular season and then crash out of the playoffs in a single game. What keeps me up at night is: what if they don’t? Are we ready for that reality?
- Andy Reid has a giant whiteboard in his office listing just two things: First, the gameplan: Kelce. Hunt. Hunt. Kelce. Rinse and repeat. Second? All the daily specials at his favorite BBQ joints.
The Top Play in Week 5: 31-yard TD from Cam Newton to Kelvin Benjamin.
Gotta make up that lost Dannon sponsorship somehow…