So, the NFL is cancelling the season after Monday Night Football in tribute to Aaron Rodgers, right? His injury is clearly worse than 9-11, if you are to believe the outpouring of melancholy media ejaculate yesterday. Not that they don’t have a reason. Losing one of the NFL’s most marketable players for selling insurance not only leaves us just with Peyton Manning and J.J. Watt (who died last week) to hawk stupid sh*t, but also allows the Packers to show how terrible Brett Hundley is at quarterbacking. Football sure knows how to expand it’s market share! And I realize there’s already a lot of hype building for signing Colin Kaepernick, which if we’re writing seriously (rare, I know) makes some sense, but I feel like a sports organization has to do triage for these situations with a bit more vigor. So I’ve come up with a strategy, a “plan of attack” if you will, that I believe the Packers are considering right this very moment:
- Plan A – Send feelers out about signing Colin Kaepernick to gauge the reactions from fans and media. Invest in the TIKI torch brand if signing takes place. If not, move to Plan “B”.
- Plan B – Beg Tony Romo to leave the booth. If Romo says yes, move to “Plan XXIV” when he gets injured in his first game back. If Romo says no, move to “Plan XXIV”.
- Plan XXIV – WHERE IS MATT FLYNN? If found, give him more free money. If not, give him more free money and move to the next plan.
- Plan LOL – Trade for Jay Cutler, since he has the most experience throwing to Packers receivers. If Miami says no, move to the last plan.
- Plan OMFG – Tim Tebow time! Because at this point, why the ef not?
The NFC North is gonna otherwise be ceded to a team that got blown out by the Saints yesterday. But yeah, darn shame about Rodgers… now that I’ve confirmed the Chargers don’t play Green Bay later this season…
Hot Takes with a MOMENT OF
SILENCE HOTNESS FOR THE PACKERS 2017 SEASON!
- Rest in Peace 2017 Packers. We’ll never know how Mike McCarthy would have effed it all up for you in the playoffs this year.
- If I were an NFL quarterback, I would be absolutely terrified each time the ball was snapped. Not even joking.
- So… the Lions now have the majority of the talent in the NFC North? Wow. Just… uh. Wow.
Top Plays in GIFs: Matt Ryan goes deep to Marvin Hall for a 40-yard touchdown.
You’re not Julio Jones, jerk!
Top Plays in GIFs: Matthew Stafford hits Golden Tate for a 45-yard touchdown.
Saints defense, being entirely a fictional construct.
Hot Takes! Random takes that are also random levels of hot!
- Stafford moves like he just ate an entire pot of mashed potatoes.
- I am actually thinking about getting serious for a bit and writing a post about how Hue Jackson is the worst head coach in NFL history. And the fact that he’s already the worst coach in Cleveland Browns history should be all the evidence I need.
- At this point, playing the Browns is better for a team than a bye week.
- This Nissan commercial from yesterday had more people in the L.A. Coliseum than we’ve seen all season combined.
- So them Raiders being good… that was fun while it lasted, eh?
- I think Jay Cutler is a perfect symbol for the Miami Dolphins… mostly because I can’t think of another team that generates more apathy. Oh wait, maybe it’s the Chargers.
- Watching Cutler in Miami, I’m now starting to understand where the outrage from Bears fans was coming from. And yet, he’s still the best quarterback they’ve ever had. My God…
- Pretty sure that Colin Kaepernick’s last straw before his collusion grievance was the Titans signing Brandon Weeden for the injured Marcus Mariota. I’m about to file a grievance, and I can’t throw a regulation-sized football more than 10 yards.
Top Plays in GIFs: Tarik Cohen throws to Zach Miller for a touchdown.
Man, who knew Cohen could run, catch, pass, AND sing?!
Top Plays in GIFs: Leonard Fournette runs 75-yards for a touchdown.
Fantasy Hot Takes! Better than hot fantasy takes! We think!
- To those of you that dared to start Mark Ingram (25 CAR, 114 YDS, 2 TDs and 5 REC, 36 YDS), I salute you.
- If Trump as President wasn’t proof enough already that we’re living in the darkest timeline, then a competent Ted Ginn Jr. (4 REC, 66 YDS, 1 TD) is absolutely the final piece of the puzzle.
- Not starting Carlos Hyde (13 CAR, 28 YDS, 2 TD and 5 REC, 47 YDS) was a poor decision.
- DeSean Jackson‘s (3 REC, 38 YDS, 1 TD) 27-yard touchdown reception gave the Bucs six points against the Cardinals 31 in the third quarter. He gave the “shush” celebration to the crowd. So… there’s that I guess.
Top Plays in GIFs: Deshaun Watson throws to wide receiver Will Fuller for a 39-yard touchdown.
DeShaun Watson is a bad, bad man… and Jabrill Peppers is a bad, bad safety.
Obligatory I Hate Myself Injury Report! Misery loves company edition!
- Landing awkwardly after taking a hit from Anthony Barr (seen above), Aaron Rodgers walked off the field under his own power and was declared questionable to return with a shoulder/collarbone injury, but was later downgraded to “out” near the start of the second half. Shortly after downgrading him to “out”, the Packers announced that Rodgers had a broken collarbone and that he would likely miss the rest of the season.
- Leonard Fournette hyper-extended his right knee during a run in the fourth quarter yesterday and did not return. Doug Marrone commented that Fournette had a sprained ankle, the severity of which will be determined after further testing early today.
- Jameis Winston was knocked out of the game during the second quarter by Chandler Jones. He was examined on the sideline, and did not return. Ryan Fitzpatrick took over as the Bucs’ quarterback and is only an option in four-quarterback leagues. They exist, I swear. After the game, Bucs coach Dirk Koetter indicated that the X-rays on Winston’s shoulder were negative, but that he’ll undergo an MRI early today.
- Following an interception by Janoris Jenkins, Trevor Siemian dove in an attempt to tackle the Giants cornerback and landed awkwardly on his shoulder, but Siemian made his return in the second half. Emmanuel Sanders was injured running a crossing route in the third quarter, as Giants safety Landon Collins collided with Sanders’ legs. Sanders was declared out of the game due to an ankle injury and is listed as “questionable” for Week 7. The Giants have absolutely no plans to let anyone finish this season healthy I feel.
- At the tail end of a return in the fourth quarter, Tyreek Hill took a brutal hit and he exited the game after. Andy Reid confirmed that Hill is now in the concussion protocol. Charcandrick West was pulled out of action in the third quarter, and the team announced that he is also being evaluated for a concussion.
- Golden Tate was assisted to the locker room by the Lions medical staff in the fourth quarter and was originally declared “questionable” to return with a shoulder injury before being downgraded to “out”.
- Chris Hogan was hit hard in the torso by Jets safety Marcus Maye. After skipping a few plays, he returned to the game on the next drive.
Top Plays in GIFs: Tom Brady goes long to Brandin Cooks for the touchdown.
Not enough Cooks are in the kitchen, apparently.
Top Plays in GIFs: Tom Brady throws to Gronk for a 33-yard touchdown.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything whiter than that high-step since my mom asked for the manager at Ross.
Top Plays in GIFs: Austin Seferian-Jenkins’ touchdown is overturned and ruled a fumble touchback.
I’ve never seen a call over-turned like that. Thanks Obama!
Hot Takes! WORST CALL EVER Hot Takes!
- We are all Jets fans on this day of mourning.
- Also, every Patriots receiver should have “looking for a flag” added on the back of their uniform.
- Now that the old “TGIF” shows are streaming on Hulu, I have to admit, the humor of Urkle doesn’t quite hold up now that I’m 35. But I’d still like Carl Winslow to be my surrogate dad. Not really Jets-Patriots related, but important nonetheless.
- Oh well, I’m over. It seems Jet fuel also cannot melt Patriot dreams.
Top Plays in GIFs: Adrian Peterson runs it in for the touchdown.
I thought Peterson was better known for his ferocity towards the younger folks.
Top Plays in GIFs: Ryan Fitzpatrick attempts to do something near the end zone, and I have no idea what it is.
Fitzmagic performing the stupidest trick in the book.
Hot Takes! When did the Bucs turn back into the Yuks hot takes!
- Remember when AP beat up that one kid? You know… his kid? Me neither! Go Cards, woo!
- It was really fitting to watch all those “should be retired” players in Arizona yesterday having success. It was like watching an episode of Golden Girls, but with more child abuse references.
- Dirk Koetter is a poor man’s Rand Paul.
- After this win, Arizona deserves to leap from 24th to 23rd in the power rankings this week. I truly believe that.
- The Cardinals secret plan to control its own destiny before inexplicably collapsing in late December, making the whole season nothing other than an exercise to waste their ability to draft a quarterback at the top of next year’s draft is still in effect.
Top Plays in GIFs: Pass to Antonio Brown is tipped and nearly intercepted, but Brown grabs the ball for the touchdown.
That is Steelers luck represented in one single play.
Top Plays in GIFs: Redskins fumble, recovered by 49ers and returned to the 1-yard line after review.
I haven’t seen a change in the Redskins fortunes like that since 1492.
Hot Takes! Normal hotness to take a break from all the extraordinary hotness!
- Who is this C.J. Beathard? Am I hallucinating, or do the 49ers have a backup quarterback with an obvious masturbation euphemism for a last name?
- Doing the “Seven Nation Army” chant while tomahawk-chopping should be an automatic two years off your lifespan.
- Has there ever been a 5-0 or better team that laid an egg like the Chiefs did in yesterday’s loss to the Steelers? I’d put money on the answer being the Chiefs… probably some time in the last decade.
- Thought I should share this box score description of Kansas City’s safety… it was amazing:
Alex Smith rushed to the right for no gain. Zach Fulton fumbled. Zach Fulton recovered fumble for no gain. Safety.
Top Plays in GIFs: Von Miller does the… salsa?
I’ll just let this
stand dance on its own merits.
Sunday Night Football Hot Takes! Sweltering Bob Costas sweater vest type hot!
- These new General Electric commercials are about as accurate in describing working for GE as Michael Bay films are at describing reality. However, there’s less racism and robot farting, so I’ll cede that point.
- Giants always seem to level the playing field with unimaginative play-calling. Ben Mcadoodoo everyone!
- That game, in all it’s nap-inducing boredom, isn’t as surprising if you remember that the Broncos quarterback is Trevor Siemian.
- Brock Osweiler made an appearance in last night’s game, and while I’ll always have fond memories of calling him Brock Lobster, perhaps we should turn the page and create a new name? Bark Oswald perhaps?
- Fun fact! The Browns are paying Osweiler over fifteen million dollars ($15.2 million) to be horrible for the Broncos.
- So… looks like the Giants ended the week better than Harvey Weinstein. [Sound warning.]
The TOP PLAY in Week 6: Todd Bowels reacts to call reversal that takes away an Austin Seferian-Jenkins touchdown.
Todd Bowles looks like he needs to smoke a Bowle.