I write you from the warm fall ambiance of Green Bay in October, where I’ve been hired as the new kicker for the Packers. After Mason Crosby missed a hat trick worth of field goals, I was hired on Fiverr by a guy named “Cornelius Chuck” to take over the booting work in the Bold North. My new insider knowledge informs this fantasy football report, which is filled with my new coach speak jargon. Let’s jam the tires full of cheese my mateys!
Here’s what I saw in Week 5 of 2021 Fantasy Football:
Mason Crosby: What are we doing leading off with kickers? Unforch, the leading fantasy football sites all make us play kickers every week. It’s about as exciting as watching that Halloween series, Enron Manages your Retirement Fund. Crosby missed three field goals in a row and started the internet on fire with jokes. I looked up the odds of making a field goal by using this fantastic new tool called Google, and the early returns state that most kickers are pretty useless beyond 40 yards. This data was very easy to Google, which means that high-paid NFL coaches and offensive coordinators probably know this is as well. So…what’s up coaches? You gave up on 4th-and-short and 2-point conversions so quickly…why keep putting the ball in the hands of the guy who spends 95% of the game on the sidelines?
Davis Mills: 312 yards in the air, 3 TD, and nearly led the Texans into an upset of the Patriots. In a week where Tom Brady put up over 400 yards passing and the Patriots trailed the Houston Texans for most of the game…I think that answers the question of that Brady/Beli “Who’s the Boss” game that pundits ask every week. Mills sent 5 passes for 109 yards to Chris Moore, a practice squad receiver that last saw NFL action in 2019. Could this be the feel-good story of the year when Moore and Mills connect to start a rebuilding Texans franchise? Maybe. More likely it’s like the BTS Meal at McDonald’s: exciting until you realize they just put some hot sauce in the sweet and sour and preyed on your love of Korean boy bands.
Chris Moore 67-yard catch-and-run.
— NFL (@NFL) October 10, 2021
Saquon Barkley: Kids, always look where you run. Barkley was paying attention to something else on the field and ran right into a Cowboy, twisting his ankle in the process. He limped off the field and then was carted to the locker room for treatment, but the photos of his shoeless foot looked like something out of Hostel: Leftover Chili Dogs. Go ahead and pick up Devontae Booker, who scored 2 TDs on the day and looks to be getting a ton of gamescript coming his way soon because there are literally no other Giants players left.
Here is the video of Saquon Barkley injuring his ankle. He was carted to the locker room
Please be okay 🙏 pic.twitter.com/g3E8Oc8NzU
— PFF Fantasy Football (@PFF_Fantasy) October 10, 2021
Rhamondre Stevenson: 11 carries for 23 yards, averaging 2.1 yards per carry. With all those deuces, you’d think he was playing poker.
Cordarrelle Patterson: 110 yards from scrimmage while Mike Davis got the TD. Calvin Ridley and Russell Gage didn’t make the trip to London, leaving the Falcons with basically a Tecmo Bowl roster of offense to take on the Jets. Wait, they played the Jets? Hahahaha. Yeah, that game was a dud. The Oklahoma Sooners and their backup QB could probably beat the Jets right now. Still, the reinvention of Cordarrelle Patterson is mostly baffling, or perhaps Arthur Smith is some sort of charismatic leader that will reinvent all of football. Quick, where’s the NFL’s deal with cryptocurrency and OAN? Keep starting Patterson but don’t be surprised if teams more capable than the Jets decide to darken the Flash.
Teddy Bridgewater: 288 yards and 2 TDs on his way to giving Courtland Sutton and Tim Patrick 7 catches each. Javonte Williams added 60 on the ground and another 25 through the air with 3 catches himself. The Broncos weren’t bad last year, but they were decimated by injuries. You might remember Kendall Hinton, the Broncos’ wide receiver who filled in at QB for one game in 2020. Now that the Broncos are featuring a healthy QB, a robust receiving corps, and capable rushers, they’re off to a 3-2 start with a number of fantasy-relevant players. Sounds like you might want to look up some dispensary reviews and get in line for Jerry Jeudy’s return next month, because your fantasy team will be getting high on Mile High helium once things start clicking for this team.
Samaje Perine: Took more reps than Joe Mixon (11 to 10) and gained 50 yards on the ground with another 25 in the air with a TD. Rudy’s projections liked Perine a lot this week, and it’s really hard to argue against about 75 all-purpose yards and a TD. If you do argue against it, I’d like to cast you in my new show, Are You Smarter than a Fantasy Footballer?
Ja’Marr Chase: 6 receptions, 150 yards, 1 TD. Gentlemen and 2 lady readers, I give you your “Justin Jefferson of 2020 in 2021″ Award winner! As many Bengals fans lamented, head coach Zac Taylor is finally winning but he’s still acting like a drunken captain of his ship of talent, opting for rushes in the end game and setting up his rookie kicker to attempt a 57-yard field goal for the win. I mean, about the only way you beat Aaron Rodgers is through a hail mary field goal, right? ENYWAY. Burrow’s still developing as a QB, the Bengals have half a backfield, and Chase is just waiting for everybody to arrive in his paradigm. Can’t believe I’m excited about the Bengals and Broncos to finish out the year. But…it’s not like I can be excited about Russell Wilson or Saquon Barkley, right?
Rondale Moore: He’ll be WR2 by mid-season in Arizona with catches like this. Meanwhile, I’m barely Fantasy Football Writer #69.
RONDALE MOORE ARE YOU KIDDING ME? pic.twitter.com/VdAvoHnuO3
— Carter Donnick (@CDonnick3) October 10, 2021
Ryan Tannehill: Under 200 yards passing and a TD while Derrick Henry ran 29 times for 130 yards and 3 TDs. I mean, Derrick Henry is absolutely QB1 in the Music City — he’s the guy that runs the offense and Tannehill is there to give him a breather. The Titans are in bizarro formation this year, winning against legit teams like Seattle and Arizona and losing to decrepit squads like the Jets and the Colts. I still keep starting Tannehill, but it seems like the Titans have a lot of receiver work to clean up before the passing game returns to Mahomes-like numbers.
James Robinson: 18 carries, 150 yards, and a TD. Good thing Robinson makes the front page news to distract from Urban Meyer’s groping adventures. Can you believe it’s only been a week since Meyer took the Hands Team to the bar to practice? Here are Razzball, we have long memories, especially when it comes to reminding Donkey Teeth about Kerryon Johnson. ENYWHEY. Robinson’s basically been your lead RB for the past 3 weeks at an RB2/RB3 draft cost. Do you like deals? Or no deals?
Daniel Jones: Tried outrunning the Dallas DEF and unfortunately failed, ending up face down in the turf. A helmet-to-helmet hit resulted in the trainer’s cart racing to the field to stop Daniel Jones from walking back to the huddle while the refs held him back. After the shellshock, Mike Glennon took over at QB. Remember when the Bears thought Mike Glennon was their answer at QB for years to come? Looks like he’ll be taking snaps in New York for a little bit.
— Joe Fann (@Joe_Fann) October 10, 2021
Maxx Williams: Cardinals’ emergent TE was carted off the field with a massive knee injury. Details to come later but he’s likely done for the year, much like half of my teams already because I drafted Kerryon Johnson at the 1.01 in every league.
Kadarius Toney: You ever see Cabin in the Woods? You really should, assuming you’re into horror and don’t mind a giant spider or two. What’s that? You do mind giant spiders? High five, I hate them too! But what I really hate is when giant spiders wrap up all of my fantasy football stars and leave me with zero players. In one of my home leagues, I’ve got about 5 IR players…just on my IDP side. If there’s one thing that defeats a Giant, it’s a spider, and by the end of Sunday, it was basically Mike Glennon and his friends leading a comeback against the Cowboys. Remember last week when I said there was too much talent on the Giants to fit on one roster? After this week’s injuries, the Giants are left with: Kadarius Toney. Yup, that’s it. And Evan Engram but whatever, he’ll be on the wire in every league and you don’t need to race to get him. But Giants’ coach Joe Judge clearly loves Toney, and the gamescript went entirely to Toney once everybody else was injured. And the Cowboys DEF isn’t exactly stunning, but when we’ve got top-tier targets going to Toney and he’s still catching them, it’s super-exciting. But it wouldn’t be Giants football without a little drama, and that’s what happened when Toney decided to punch a defender and got ejected from the game. So…Evan Engram SZN? Absolute insanity.
Khalil Herbert: 70+ yards rushing for the Bears. Hey Rudy, did we predict this? Herbert was a 6th round pick this year, so it’s not like his path to playing time is guaranteed, but he definitely took his opportunity and [pinky to mouth] ran with it. Pick him up in deep leagues, but be ready for volatile touches. Volatile Touches is also my gritty coming-of-age film on IFC where Kevin Spacey is making his comeback.
— Paul (@GaVaHokie) October 10, 2021
Russell Wilson: Didja hear? He’s gonna have a lot of extra time to take cooking classes. Or– hear me out — Russell Wilson hosts Monday Night Football with the Manning brothers for the next month. Here’s a live check-in on my RazzBowl squad:
Lion Heart. pic.twitter.com/rgKNk7Qit5
How did Sunday treat you in fantasy football? Drop us a line and let us know how your team is doing! Also, shout out to our own Fantasy Coach JB, who just welcomed his first child into the world! Mom is doing well and JB is in need of restaurant coupons ASAP.