To quote our magnificent G.O.B. Jr, in response to magic tricks, ‘Illusion…A trick is something a whore does for money…’. That pretty much sums up what must be happening in that Cincinnati Bengals backfield at this point. It’s the only way I can sum up the lack of totes for our man Giovani Bernard over The Law Firm this year. But of course, that’s why BJGE is slinging dirty tricks and we get left with the majestic that is Gio-B’s elusive (illusion = elusive, ok? Get it? No? Meh to you too) running style for only 8 carries on that night. But oh, what great carries they were. Bernard finished the night with only 65 total yards – 38 on the ground and 27 via one catch – but he electrified his team and his fantasy owners, scoring 2 touchdowns in rout to a pretty damn good night for only having 9 total touches. Is Gio that good? Yes, yes he is. Are the Bengals smart enough to take advantage of that moving forward? Sadly, I have my doubts. For some strange reason, I keep hearing about these Cincy Cats being in Super Bowl contention this year and from watching the game tonight, I don’t get it. Do they have the talent? Sure. But do they use their talent wisely? Mmmmm, if the discrepancy between BJGE and Gio’s touches say anything, I’m gonna have to say our talented running back is caught up in a state of…Arrested Development? Pinkie to mouth, mo’fo’s! This team seems to be built to play it conservative and moving forward, as much as I like Gio-B, I can’t get behind him being anything more then a low-end flex moving forward this year. I know, I’m heart-broken too but I don’t run the Bengals anymore then I do the Jets (#FreeIvory…#again). This is a team that’s gonna Raconteur it’s way into the playoffs just like it did last year and Gio is gonna be hit and miss because of it, i.e. through no fault of his own. I’m not saying Bernard is a 30 touches a night guy but 9? Cincy? Really? Beads? BEES?!? Ok, Bengals, you keep starting BJGE, we’ll see who brings in more honey. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news from Monday Night Football…
Andy Dalton – The Red Rocket went 25/45 with 280 yards and a 6.2 y/a average with one touchdown and zero int. See how boring that is to read? That’s what its like to watch Andy. He’s a dry Pinot Grigio which I thought was a derogatory term for a sober Italian until I met my wife. Now I realize there’s no such thing as a dry Italian. In all, I called him a boring QB2 coming into the season and tonight’s game just cements that.
Ben Roethlisberger – Mispelledberger looked as good as anyone could behind that line. Ok, admittedly, he looked a bit better then most would. Even Peyton would be dead at this point. We might even need to check if Ben isn’t. Even Keith Richards would question that. I gave up on the Steelers offense after week 1 vs the Titans and I stand by that. It doesn’t take one week to prove you’re a bad team but when you can’t score more then 10 at home…well, you’re either the Jags or you’re a struggling team and that’s what I see in Pittsburgh right now. Sell all parts.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis – Here’s the funny thing about BJGE…ok, maybe only funny to me. I’d get behind him if he played in Denver but in Cincy, he just doesn’t make sense. Gaining 75 yards on 22 carries with that team is like gaining VIP passes to a Buckcherry concert. It doesn’t take much to get in when your lead singer looks like Willam Dafoe’s OD’d son; lopsided boob job? Don’t care, can’t see straight anyways. BTW, general note to all the guys out there; sang along with ‘Crazy [email protected]#%’ when it hit the radio in the car. Wife actually thought it was funny. Scored major house points. Try it.
Emmanuel Sanders – Called him as a good pickup this Summer with my Emmanual Sanders Sleeper call. Ooops, wrong year! Well, pretty much same sitch. Wallace is gone and Sanders has shined so far. After a 5/78 night on 10 targets that almost netted a touchdown, Sanders has 12 rec and 135 yards on the year on 22 targets. That’s a 96 rec, 1080 yard season with ZERO scores going right now. Yeah, it’s Pittsville right now in Steeler-town.
Tyler Eifert – Still in a TE timeshare with Gresham but it’s looking like that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After 66 yards on 3 catches on 5 targets, he came pretty close to matching Jermaine Gresham’s totals on the night (6/66 on 9 targets). This is something dynasty and deep league owners will want to pay attention to moving forward. Off-season talks were of Eifert being more the passing TE and Gresham working on his blocking.
Felix Jones – Had 37 yards on 10 carries. Le’Veon Bell? More like Selle’Veon Bell! Seriously, if this Steelers team keeps going backwards any faster, it’ll actually reverse time and go back to working in Steel mills during the industrial revolution. Child labor will become legal again and then they can start a HS running back. Said running back will still only average 3.7 YPC and will die of the black lung.
A.J. Green – Fairly bottled up all night as the Steelers made it a focal point to shut him down to control the game. The sad part is it almost worked. Seriously, Cincy, you outscored the Titans by 4 points…and they played Pittsville on the road! Bzzzz! Yeah, I’m still thinking about bees…
Jericho Cotchery – I would just like to take a moment to point out the oldest wide out on the team got the hand off for the reverse. Pittsville, you’re doing it wrong.