So after a Sunday night game that saw the quick dismantling of a fading dumpster fire of a team, we were able to see the exact same thing for Monday Night Football. How charming! It’s times like this when you really wonder if your investments into the local liquor stores are paying off like they should. There was certainly plenty of derp that became easily accessible from Matt Sanchez starting, but despite throwing what should have been an interception early in the game, he was able to do some interesting things with Carolina’s gift-giving. Speaking of which, there’s gift-giving, and then there’s “Here, have my house and everything that’s in it”. Hint, the Panthers did the latter. With a chance to move back into first place in the profoundly terrible NFC South, the Panthers instead allowed Darren Sproles to do whatever tiny things he does. And while the Eagles and Cowboys seemed to be playoff bound, the entire NFC South probably needs a flotation device to keep from drowning. For context, the 1-8 Buccaneers could win three straight and theoretically, based on what the division did, be a lock for the playoffs. That’s some scary sh*t right there.
Panthers – 21, Eagles – 45
Jordan Matthews – 7 REC, 138 YDS, 2 TD. Who is this Matthews guy you ask? He’s the all-time leading receiver at Vanderbilt, and a second round rookie. He looked good in preseason, built a rapport with Sanchez during second team reps and he’s Jerry Rice’s nephew.
Brent Celek – 5 REC, 116 YDS. Ever wonder if Celek ever drove a Celica? I think about these things. Why? Alcohol bro.
Cam Newton – 25/40, 306 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT and 2 CAR, 6 YDS. Cam Newton with his best Mark Sanchez impression. Man, did he nail it. To be honest, he hasn’t looked healthy at all these past few weeks, and it’s not getting better…
Jonathan Stewart – 11 CAR, 36 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 23 YDS. So, Stewart ran pretty hard last night, picking up some tough yards. DeAngelo Williams (13 CAR, 31 YDS and 3 REC, 17 YDS) tip-toed a bit, and ran into his players enough times where I just assumed he thought this was a normal thing. So let’s make sure to keep giving Williams the ball, yes?
Greg Olsen – 6 REC, 119 YDS. There’s my Olsen.
Kelvin Benjamin – 3 REC, 70 YDS, 2 TD. THIS KELVIN, I CALL HIM ABSOLUTE ZERO, BECAUSE HE’S ICE COLD.