Jam it or Cram it: Starks Raving Mad – The Bizarro World Edition

Week 2 of the NFL season was like a visit to Bizarro World in the old Superman comics or, for those not comically inclined, the Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets Bizarro Jerry. She had man hands! Those not familiar with the term please note what the scholarly website Uncyclopedia says: “Bizarro World is a situation or setting which is weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations.” In Bizarro World, Bizarro Budweiser tastes like Heineken, Bizarro KFC is made from real live chickens and Bizarro Tim Tebow is a right-handed-pot smoking-antichrist that actually completes passes. What in the name of Lex Luther occurred in our Bizarro Fantasy Football World last week? Philip Rivers played like a de-bearded Dan Fouts, Eddie Royal was catching passes like a goggleless John Jefferson and James Starks morphed into Paul Hornung on a hot streak. If you suffered through an unearthly Sunday, you’re not alone. Half of the top 6 fantasy scorers last week are less than 50% owned across most leagues. If you were one of the 2% that started Charles Clay on Sunday, I surrender my turban to you. Maybe you should be writing this, Bizarro Guru. It’s time to jam it or cram it.

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RCL Football Update: Week 2

September 17, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Commenter Leagues, Razzball Writers League | 41 Comments

by: JB Gilpin

2013 RCL Football Week 2 has wrapped up with another huge week of RCL Football action. If you haven’t seen it yet, we’ve got the full interactive 2013-2014 RCL Standings tab up under “Leagues” that shows you how you’re stacking up against the Razzball competish in your journey to RCL glory. It ranks teams by RCL points, which is the gold elixir of truth determining the RCL winner. If you are confused by the scoring parameters, scroll down to the bottom of the standings for a full explanation.

RCL Top Scorer TOP SCORER: Congratulations to Chris Schultz’s Team for putting up the most RCL points this week. Leading through Sunday as well and getting the Podcast shout out, Schultz dumped all over The Shituation Room with 213.56 points in a nearly 120-point defeat over the meat curtains. What are these curtains, Vegan? Disgusting! Schultz’s entire roster came through with the only single-digit scorer his kicker, with big games from DeSean Jackson, Julio Jones, Jimmy Graham and Marshawn Lynch. Unfortunately for Schultz, he only moves into third place after a brutal week 1 where he didn’t top 100 points. One Potato Two moves into first place and will look to go to 3-0 against one of the multiple Heisenberg squads. There’s just so much bad breaking! Awesome job this week Chris, and hopefully your guys keep it up into week 3!

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My Favorite Bluth Is Spelled ‘Gio-B’

September 17, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 249 Comments

by: Sky

To quote our magnificent G.O.B. Jr, in response to magic tricks, ‘Illusion…A trick is something a whore does for money…’. That pretty much sums up what must be happening in that Cincinnati Bengals backfield at this point. It’s the only way I can sum up the lack of totes for our man Giovani Bernard over The Law Firm this year. But of course, that’s why BJGE is slinging dirty tricks and we get left with the majestic that is Gio-B’s elusive (illusion = elusive, ok? Get it? No? Meh to you too) running style for only 8 carries on that night. But oh, what great carries they were. Bernard finished the night with only 65 total yards – 38 on the ground and 27 via one catch – but he electrified his team and his fantasy owners, scoring 2 touchdowns in rout to a pretty damn good night for only having 9 total touches. Is Gio that good? Yes, yes he is. Are the Bengals smart enough to take advantage of that moving forward? Sadly, I have my doubts. For some strange reason, I keep hearing about these Cincy Cats being in Super Bowl contention this year and from watching the game tonight, I don’t get it. Do they have the talent? Sure. But do they use their talent wisely? Mmmmm, if the discrepancy between BJGE and Gio’s touches say anything, I’m gonna have to say our talented running back is caught up in a state of…Arrested Development? Pinkie to mouth, mo’fo’s! This team seems to be built to play it conservative and moving forward, as much as I like Gio-B, I can’t get behind him being anything more then a low-end flex moving forward this year. I know, I’m heart-broken too but I don’t run the Bengals anymore then I do the Jets (#FreeIvory…#again). This is a team that’s gonna Raconteur it’s way into the playoffs just like it did last year and Gio is gonna be hit and miss because of it, i.e. through no fault of his own. I’m not saying Bernard is a 30 touches a night guy but 9? Cincy? Really? Beads? BEES?!? Ok, Bengals, you keep starting BJGE, we’ll see who brings in more honey. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news from Monday Night Football…

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The Razzball Football Podcast – The One Where JB Cries About His Terrible Panthers

September 16, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Podcast, Razzball Podcast | 23 Comments

by: JB Gilpin

Well, it was about as bad a week 2 as it could get. Desperately needing some offense from anyone besides Marshawn Lynch, the 49ers/Seahawks game turned out to be a dud and my terrible Panthers found yet another way to lose. Lucky for me, David Wilson was awful yet again, finally putting the nail in the coffin for Nick’s hot tub. In a great twist of irony, the NY David Wilson’s face the horrible Panthers in week 3 and I actually think he’s an upside flex play. It’s over with now. Fin. Nick and I then go over all of week 2’s final scores and break down our thoughts, I recap the RCL top scorer through Sunday, and Sky and Murph bring us some waiver pickups and the carnage report. Good luck to everyone tonight if your game is hinging on Monday Night Football and good luck in week 3!

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Sit And Drink Eddie Royal Tea

September 16, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 200 Comments

by: Sky

In an interview with some guy somewhere, Kurt Cobain explained that his song ‘Penny Royal Tea’ was ‘…about a person who’s beyond depressed; they’re in their death bed, pretty much.’ I’m pretty sure that describes most of Kurt’s songs, but that’s beyond the point. As I begin to look at the fallen – like ‘dola – or the barely theres – like Roddy – ya have to start looking around for someone out there to fill the void before you start trying to make your own fantasy abortifacient (word of the day!). Well look no further for a shot at that as Eddie Royal just can’t seem to avoid the end zone right now. After having a 3 catch, 2 TD performance last Monday night against the Houston Texans for a measly 24 yards, it was pretty easy to write him off as a one week fluke; the Kevin Ogletree of 2013, if you will. But then he went and did this: 7 catches for 90 yards to go with 3 more scores. That’s a monstrous games no matter what angle you come at it from. But there is one angle I’d like to mention here: that Eagles secondary is bordering on non-existent. I thought their defense would get a chance to bare down and take apart this Chargers offense after their own offense turned the tides quickly on them but they held their own most of the day and it was in no small part thanks to Royal on that front. Moving forward, Eddie is looking like an immediate pickup but faces a fairly tough challenge in the Titans next week (I can’t believe I typed that). If I’m scrambling for WR depth and have been sitting on upside that has been turned upside down, here’s your chance at redemption. It’s time to make your team feel like Royalty. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news from week 2…

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Last Second Decisions – Overreaction Week

September 15, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Last Second Decisions | 131 Comments

by: JB Gilpin

A week is in the books and it’s time to absolutely freak out. Tom Brady is horrible, time to drop him for Terrelle Pryor!

Like a GOP reaction to Obama having his foot on the Oval Office desk, then the subsequent overreaction to the jokes about overreactions, there’s been a lot of drama to overreactions. Chill out people! It’d be like a biologist getting all angry because that’s not what the Fox really says… Idea! Colbert cuts that video with Fox News people freaking out over the gobbledygook in the chorus. Comedy gold.

Point is – don’t worry about tough week ones and keep playing your studs. Barring a late scratch I’m still playing Roddy White, who despite the bum ankle and only out there as a “decoy,” still got a red zone catch and I think gets more involved. I’m not benching him for some scrub, but he does obviously move down a few spots.

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Sawbones Scribings Week 2: Gronky Punch

September 13, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Injury Report | 59 Comments

by: Andrew Nordmeier

It’s Friday the 13^th (of September) and the doctor is in. Good thing I am since there are plenty of patients filling the hallways of the Fantasy Football Clinic. That said, let’s get going on this week’s rounds. Patients will know who I am right away as I’ll be the doctor wearing a Burger King crown on my head. Only because it’s my birthday today.

The Patriots are banged up. Horribly. Tight end Rob Gronkowski (back, arm) might be back next week but it’s not confirmed at this point. Fantasy owners rejoice! So shall Tom Brady! The Patriots looked really pathetic offensively last night against the Jets. Brady threw for 185 yards with one touchdown. Yeah, that’s it.

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Targets and Touches: David Wilson’s Struggles Run Deeper Than the Mariana Trench

September 13, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 100 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

Greetings! Tis I, the fabulous Mr. Beddict, here to review some stats I found downright fascinating from the NFL’s opening weekend. You know me as Razzball’s resident fantasy football and now fantasy baseball champion(is it too early to say that?No), philanthropist, model, escort, and part-time stripper. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that when I’m around, women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. And if there’s another thing I know, it’s how to absolutely dominate in the field of fantasy sports. I’m not one to brag or self promote my but my legend runs deeper than the Mariana Trench. Help me help you in winning your fantasy title this season. Brotherhood of Razzball readers; I’d rather fight beside you than any other site and their millions of peasants. Let no man forget how menacing we are. We are lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond the regular season? Immortality! Take it, it’s yours!

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Edelmania

September 13, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 256 Comments

by: Sky

On a night of this caliber (or calibre if you’re from the other side of the Atlantic), it was really hard to find something that would make girls scream their damn fool heads off like the fab 4 just walked onto the Ed Sullivan show. Trust me, I searched far and wide. The closest I could come was Brady’s hair from circa the ‘damn, he fine’ era. Very boyishly charming and the quintessential anti-foppish response to being clean cut and dandy to make everyone think you’re a gentleman. Well our main story of Thursday Night Football, Julian Edelman, did try to pull off something similar but lets face facts: Pearl Jam > Creed > Edelman. I know it really hurts, bro, but not everyone can pull off the ‘down with the man…whoever that is’ look, especially not a chiseled athlete. It just doesn’t suit you (but nice Beatles shirt). What does suit Edelman, though, you ask? Brady and in particular his love for small white guys running a quick slant. Know what suits PPR owners? Being owners of Julian, of course. Edelman finished the night with 13 receptions and 78 yards on 18 receptions, good for an obscene 20.8 points in our Razzball Commenter Leagues settings. That’s sans touchdowns which could also pretty much sum up this game. With the Pats missing three major targets, Edelman stepped up and…well, he didn’t really do much. I think he had a couple of first down catches. Yeah…pretty much that and a buncha 3-5 yard pops. A 6.0 ypc average would be good…if it were yards per carry and not catch. Ugh, this game was pretty nasty and the weather didn’t help. But let’s stay focused (that was more for me than you). Edelman is going to be a low-end WR2 for the next few weeks for some reasons I’ll discuss later on. If you somehow slept through your first Waiver wire adding period and so did the rest of your league mates, well, your league sucks and go pick Julian up. Here’s what else I saw on Thursday Night Football for the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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Weekly IDP Rankings: Week Two For 2013 Fantasy Football

September 12, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 37 Comments

by: Kevin Kumpf

In my Week 1 Rankings, I mentioned how it’s risky to start rookies in their first career game. The ceiling can be high if a rookie DB is underestimated by an opposing QB, but the floor is also low if a first-year LB can’t adjust to the speed of the pro game. That held true for the most part, as several rookies looked very impressive last weekend, while others… well others didn’t even see the field.

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Bet the Farm: NFL Week 2 Betting Contest

September 12, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Bet The Farm | 46 Comments

by: Josh Carey

Welcome to Bet the Farm, Razzball’s weekly NFL wagering contest. We’re back for our second season and ready to take you on over the course of 17 weeks of NFL play. For those new to the game, here are the rules:

You start with $1,000 in contest money to make wagers with. You may join in any week.
You can wager on the spread or Over/Under for any NFL game, so long as your pick is made by kickoff of that game. The Yahoo Sports Odds page is a good place to get betting lines: you may use the best line you find available when you make your post, but revisions to wagers are not allowed.
Your wager must be in an increment of $10.
You must beat the House: Therefore, you only receive 90% of your wager for a win ($9 on a $10 bet), but lose 100% of your wager on a loss.
Your wager may be any amount between $10 and your full bankroll.
New this year: If you lose your entire bankroll, you are allowed a re-buy for another $1,000. Unlimited re-buys are available.
New this year: Bet the Farm staff will keep track of the full leaderboard for all participants. However, any player who has taken a re-buy will be listed below all players who have not taken a re-buy – even those with lower current balances. It’s always better to not lose all your money. Players with two re-buys will be listed below those with one re-buy, and so on.

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Weekly Rankings: Don’t Be So Shorts-Sided

September 12, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 325 Comments

by: Sky

There are some things in life that just don’t work out the way you want them to. You want to be a rock star. But you’re an accountant and you sound like Darius Rucker. Hootie and The Blowfish were never a rock band so you’re never going to be a rock star. I know, I’m sorry, the truth hurts. But once you figure that out, you get to pay better attention to what you CAN do and you start singing at college coffee houses to 15 to 20 disaffected youth. It’s a good feeling to know your place. Well, I think the Jags have finally figured out what Blaine Gabbert is: he’s not a rock star. I don’t even know if he should be singing in coffee shops which I’ll say is a euphemism for the CFL. Admittedly, he was hurt last week and probably shouldn’t have played but the facts are facts: his team scored zero points with him at the helm and he was slinging it everywhere but to his receivers. If you don’t believe me, just ask Cecil Shorts. He finished last week with just 3 catches on 11 targets. That’s some straight up Skelton to Fitz circa 2012 if you ask me. Thankfully, this week Cecil gets not one but two benefits. Firstly, Henne steps in to QB the Jags, a man with whom he had a very good rapport in 2012. Secondly, he gets to face Oakland. I don’t know if you’ve heard this one before, but they aren’t very good. This should be a coming out of your Shorts party for Cecil and his backfield bro, MJD and a main reason why I said to Buy them yesterday. In other points of differentiation, I like S-Jax more then others this ~~year~~ week as I’m playing the ‘former team, emotional player’ motif with him and sliding Ray Rice down due to the Cleveland front being better then people are willing to give them credit for. Don’t ask about Amendola, I’ll tell you out right: it’s me praying he plays. I’ll move Edelman/Thompkins up if he’s scratched but until it’s 100% true, I shall stay in denial. Defenses…well, just look at my 8-10 and their comparison to the ECR. Pretty clear how I stand there. I don’t post buys on defenses but Dallas’ approach reminded me a lot of what the Bears do out there: ballhawks everywhere. Could be a good, sneaky hold if you got them for this week the rest of the way. And with me devolving into talking about defenses, it’s time to get on with it. Here’s your weekly rankings for week 2 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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