The Joey Wright was a king without a prince, even though the song 1999 pulsed in the background of the VIP section at Sticks, the only football-themed nightclub on the West Coast. The Battle of Lake Tahoe was won, but the War of the Razzbowl had taken its toll.
“Another New Coke?” the bottle girl asked Joey, her referee-striped uniform reminding him of the Super Bowl Shuffle.
“IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME!” Joey shouted, tossing a red flag on the floor to indicate he was done with his VIP session. The tech bros at the booth across the aisle poked their eyes up from their Nachos Grande and noticed Joey cradling a picture, whispering to it. One of them came over.
“You OK, man?” the tech bro asked Joey.
“Not since I lost The Mick,” Joey said, pocketing the picture. I told him to start Big Ben in the windstorm! Joey thought to himself. I can’t believe he got left behind in Tahoe…from 3rd to 4oth!
The tech bro noticed Joey wasn’t really alone. Next to him, donning Antonio Brown’s helmet from 2011, was a shiny silver trophy.
“You’re a Razzbowler, eh?” the tech bro said.
“Yeah, but my #2, Mick Ciallela…he stood in line for the buffet at KFC in Lake Tahoe, and next thing you know, 38 people rushed him. He didn’t stand a chance!” Joey said, slamming his can of New Coke on the table. “THERE WAS ORIGINAL RECIPE EVERYWHERE.”
The tech bro handed Joey a tablet. “Maybe you’ll find a new partner on our new app we’re designing. It’s called Fumblr. It pairs you up with fantasy footballers.”
Joey put in his info, and the app spit out a name. “Philip Mendelsohn, Razzbowl Qualifier #1.“
That’s it, Joey thought. He’s me, but like, the evil-left-handed-wearing-a-mustache version of me. He’s the leader in the Razzbowl Qualifier!
Joey looked to the tech bro and asked, “You guys want to join us for a round of New Coke?”
The tech bro looked confused. “Us?”
Joey put his arm around the Razzbowl trophy. “Yeah, me and Antonio want to show our thanks for finding the other leader. Now I know we’re not alone!”
Cutline Week 1
Indeed and indoub-it-ably, we have the technology to view the Razzbowl Qualifier leaderboard now. If you are in the qualifier, all you need to do is visit your NFFC page and click “Standings > Overall” and you’ll be brought to the nifty qualifier leaderboard, featuring both the championship bracket and the wild card bracket.
If you don’t know what a leaderboard is, you need do nothing more than ask Joey what they are, for after losing the #1 spot to Jerry Janiga in the final week of the bestball season, Joey deployed a beautiful roster that brought him back into the first place. What was his lineup? Probably a bunch of running backs, I really don’t know! I don’t have access to the specific lineups anymore. But! I have access to the leaderboards, and I have access to worlds of fiction, and I have access to wit and wisdom and…what’s a W-word?…Walter Peyton!
The first round of the Cutline is a three-week period where players set their lineups manually, and the combined score from the three week period plus the average score of the best ball period are added together, and the top 30 players in the championship bracket move on and the top 5 players from the wild card bracket get promoted to the championship bracket. Everybody else gets relegated. Unless you want to be Burnley, you better get those lineups in! Also, don’t start Joe Mixon in all your leagues like I did last week…ouch.
Have a great Week 11 and best of luck in the Razzbowl!