Have you ever shared custody of a dog with an ex-spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend? Prayfully not, my goodmen, but surely you know some poor sod who takes part in this sad and pathetic lifestyle, someone you look down upon with shame as if they were a lower form of human life. As if they, well, you know, thought sharing a dog with an ex was a solid idea. If you didn’t know someone before, you do now!! ME, Beddict, former Commander and Chief of the Players club, himself, somehow buried in this game like a rotting casket. How did we (me) get here? There is not enough battery left in my MacBook Air (Lap top in laymen terms), to tell that tale, and thank the Elders for that, but I’ll whack ya with a few deets, just in case you want to get your beak wet…..I don’t even know what that means.
Anyway, I have five dogs total, two with my ex in Seattle, and three with my last girlfriend in New Orleans. NOLA won’t actually speak to me, either because she despises me, that or she’s being respectful to her strange new emo- King Fiancé. All I know, is that when I stalk her Instagram every night, I NEVER SEE MY BABY JILLIAN!!! I see the other two angels, but little Jillie bean is nowhere in sight…Hmmmm, anyway, I HAD five dogs scattered across the country like dust in the wind, six if you count the dog that was mine that I gave to my Mom 14 years ago. He was so handsome, I say, “WAS,” for he was tragically killed three weeks ago, ON MY BIRTHDAY, ruining my day and in a way, my life. So I suppose we’re back to five, four if Jillian is no longer among the breathing. This led to my first ex sweetly offering to “ALLOW” me to see our two dogs for a week or so, since she felt so awful about Q-ball being run over on my birthday and all. We weren’t on speaking terms so I thought this to be a truly grand gesture of kindness………Alas, life only allows pleasant emotions for short periods of time before ripping them out with rusty machete. One week turned into 10 days, and it also turned out that she was getting married and just had nowhere else to leave the dogs since they’re too old to be left at any kennel. Married to the friend zone king who had stalked her our entire relationship, you know the type. Shit, some of you probably are the type. For me to properly draft the proper amount of ratchetness involved would take the last remaining splinters of my soul, and that, guys/gals, is too much to ask. Even of me.
What am I going on about? This is a fantasy sports website. But isn’t that why you love (Despise) me? Below are my thoughts on this past week’s NFL games. Take heed!
Corey Davis – So proud of myself for drafting Corey Davis, I was. The fifth overall pick from last years draft showed out like a circus clown on adderall in last year’s NFL playoffs, and I wanted myself a hit of that this season! Boy, did I get it……right up the yin-yang, as Davis has had two great games this year……..and both times he sat firmly on my bench among the other misfit toys. The young Titan has over 49 percent of his yards in those two games, along with his only scores on the season. What have I done to deserve this, you ask? Lots of things.
John Ross – If Drew Brees was the quarterback of this team, and not the Red Rectum (a Cincy term, not mine), Ross undoubtedly would have had 180 yards and three touchdowns, going against the worst pass defense in the NFL. Sadly, that wasn’t the case, although Ross did score a two yard touchdown and catch an extremely late 30 yard pass, making his day a teensy bit less worthless than it really was. He had one sort of go through his hands on a bomb and was just plain missed on a couple others as the Rectum was clearly shaken by that vaunted Saints D. Who can blame him? I mean, really? Either way, Ross is clearly an enormous risk any time you want to throw him out there, but there’s upside. I had upside once……
Derrick Henry – Now in his third season out of Alabama, this 250 pound hole pounding savant is really making a name for for himself in this crazy mixed up world. With Two touchdowns against an anemic Patriots defense, Henry continues his monster sea……wait, what…….goes and checks stats…..Henry only has 101 rushing attempts on the season, and is seemingly used less often than Hugh Jackman’s dick (How many Jackman references am I allowed per article?). Bad form, Titans. Bad form, I say! Would love to see what Henry could do with a full workload and I hope and pray another team trades for him next offseason.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – What’s the purpose of starting the Harvard Jesus? Make a playoff push? I have a better chance of winning the Pulitzer prize, so why are the hapless Buccaneers going with this homeless chic warrior poet? Do you know how bad Jameis Winston has to be in their eyes, to play this swashbuckling pirate? Worse than Netflix movies, Scientology believers, and Iggy Azalea’s music, all wrapped up into one. It’s downright disturbing, really. I could go on, but let’s be real, you’re not even reading and are just going to ask me a question on how much of your wad you can blow on Rashad Penny.
Jordan Howard – I’m not proud to admit this, but until this season I was was one of those obnoxious people said that the Cowboys would have been better off drafting Jalen Ramsey over Zeke Elliot, and drafting a RB like Derrick Henry or Howard in the 2nd or 3rd round. Now, I just watched Elliot chow down on the Eagles defense like Stephen Dorff used to go through C level actresses….and cocaine…….and have witnessed the once vaunted Jaguars crumble like a piece of stale pita bread, I would like take it all back, and I thank you kindly for it.
I am a firm believer in the fact that Howard must have done something horrific to either the Chicago Bears’s owner, Virginia McCaskey, or new head coach, Matt Nagy. Howard is coming off two consecutive 1,000 yard seasons, averaging 5.2 and 4.1 yards per carry in them. He had both the look and the feel of a number one back in this league, and a fantasy monster. Now, they won’t even run him with a three touchdown lead in the second half. It’s beyond maddening. I want to question Nagy, naked, in a panic room, with the temperature turned up to a blazing 130 degrees Fahrenheit, screaming at him like a squad leader gone mad on peyote and too much killing. Seriously, every week brings me closer to the brink. Pray for me.
Allen Robinson – Well then, Allen, it seems as if you’re fantasy demise was inaccurately reported. That could be a lie, for I truly know not, for you see, I no longer read any rankers or other fantasy pieces, I’ve entered another realm entirely. They refer to it, as the Beddict Zone. Join me, it’s filled with scantily clad women, free Nitro brew coffee, and MacGruber is on loop.
O.J. Howard -Even after winning the Heisman (WHY DOES SPELL CHECK ALWAYS MARK HEISMAN MISSPELLED? IT DRIVES ME INSANE. IT KEEPS ME UP NIGHTS) and capturing our hearts with hilarious performances in the classic Naked Gun flicks, something still seems off with O.J. Like, I know he was innocent and all, clearly, as the glove didn’t fit, but something just seems off about the guy.
Zion Williamson – College basketball is pretty much dead to me, as players leaving after one year has ruined it for me, but I will watch this freak get nasty any day of the week. Holy mother, this kid is filthier than Roseanne’s drawls after a bucket of KFC extra KKKrispy and a handful of Quaaludes. All draft “experts” have his teammate, R.J. Barrett going ahead of him in the draft at this point, but I would be shocked if that ends up being the case. I’ve never seen anything like this in the college game. The upside is too great to pass. Imagine this kid playing football!!! At tight end or defensive end, I shutter at the thought. Julius Peppers on steroids…..A man can dream, can’t he…….Talk about a wet dream….I’ll stop……Or will I……I just came…….Sorry.
Rashad Greene – Did not know was still on the team, but I’m glad Greene made the most of his one target of the last two years, fumbling and costing his team the game, as well as their season. Happy Holidays.
Andrew Luck – Not sure I’ve seen a quarterback elevate players around him the way Luck does since his predecessor, the one who got a pass for putting his ass and nut sack in a female trainer’s grill piece, was roaming the field in Indy. He is fully back and making the Lions look foolish for letting go of former league-wide joke, Eric Ebron. That’s not saying much, as the Lions always look foolish and continue to be the worst run franchise of my lifetime, and, yes, that includes the Cleveland Browns.
Leonard Fournette– 24 carries for 53 yards? Ughh! I’ve literally never been impressed with Fournette when I’ve watched the Jaguars play the last couple years…..Maybe they should have drafted Mahomes or DeShaun Watson……….and they probably would be on their way to a second super bowl……Instead, they’re giving up picks for…..you guessed it….
Carlos Hyde – Why does nobody mention what a worthless trade this for the Jags? They actually gave up a pick for the guy and he’s had, like, two carries. That’s like hiring me at your website and paying me not to write or make incredible Instagram videos…….Don’t let me give you any ideas now!
Amari Cooper – Cooper looks great for the Cowboys thus far, he really does. Prescott missed him(Shocker) for what should have been an easy touchdown throw in SNF’s win against the Eagles, but the offense as a whole has looked far more competent with his presence on the field and giving up the first rounder shouldn’t hurt that badly as it’s another weak class for wideouts.
Jimmy Butler – Big time pickup for the 76ers. Shocked at some of the writers on major websites grading this poorly for Philadelphia. It blows my mind that these people get paid enough money to live decent lives on, writing about things that I seem to have more knowledge on than they. I’m starting a go fund me. Who’s in!?!?!?
The New Orleans Saints Not having a 2nd receiver or really a legit tight end – Think about this:The Saints number two receiver is a third round rookie named Tre’Quan Smith and their number one tight end is 37 year old, Benjamin Watson. Yes, the Saints offense is something close to historic with only one legit receiving threat, two counting the legendary Alvin Kamara, who is a RUNNING BACK. There should be articles written on this. Shoot, A F*CKING BOOK!!!! This is insane! Yet, nobody is talking about it. Again, these are the things that keep me up nights.
Todd Bowles – Woody Johnson says they won’t fire Bowles this season. Jets fans want to fire Woody Johnson.
Matt Barkley – All hail the King!
Thank you for joining me yet again, as I wine, dine and sixty-nine you all the way to climax. Please follow me on Instagram at @https://www.instagram.com/ltmurrayiv/ or talk sports with on Twitter on my new account, https://twitter.com/LtMurray23