Gary Kubiak has bestowed the goalline carries to Chris Brown (and after what he did to Rihanna!). This is very bad news. I mean bad bad news for Steve Slaton. Bad Bad Chris Brown, baddest RB in the whole damn town, badder than old Howie Long, meaner than a pound of dogs. And when I say bad, I mean fragile. Brittle Brown has been injured early and often and this is what all Slaton owners are secretly and openly hoping for. Slaton was a borderline first round pick and now he’s a second rounder. It might behoove you to grab him if he drops, because Brown will get hurt, but don’t keep taking him in the first.
Bernard Scott: Bernie looks like he has taken over the #2 spot from Brian Leonard. It’s not set in stone, but Bernie is the better talent and should be the backup eventually, no matter how shiny Leonard gets Coach Lewis’ car. As long as Bernie can keep from punching any coaches he’s worth stashing on your bench. Wait, he punched a coach? Do you think he minds me calling him Bernie? Hmm . . . so Mr. Scott could easily start to cut into Cedric Benson’s carries and possibly more.
Jonathan Stewart: He’s still nursing his achilles tendon and looks like he might not be ready to go for the opener. This makes my (I am boycotting the term man-crush for the foreseeable future) uh, guy infatuation with DeAngelo Williams less creepy, well, maybe not less creepy, but more productive for my fantasy punditry.
Brandon Marshall: Latest trade rumor: Chris Henry to Dallas for a percentage of all the alcohol consumed during drinking games based on punts hitting the jumbotron and Miles Austin, Chris Chambers and the San Diego Chicken to Cincinnati for Austin and Ochocinco’s copyright to “child please,” then the Cincinnati Chicken and Laveranues Coles to Denver for Brandon Marshall and John Elway’s horse teeth.
Daunte Culpepper: He received eight stitches in his toe/foot/scrotum for an injury that he has yet to talk about. Speculation from my uncle Sid is that he got a “Stafford Infection” and if you know what that means, don’t tell me.
Greg Jones: All of you MJD owners now know who his handcuff is. You may now hope he never, ever, ever gets hurt. Oh wait, why is he limping off the field? Maurice!!! Nooo!!!! Well, it doesn’t look too bad and Jones doesn’t suck, but it looks like if MJD went down it would be a bit of a RBBC with Jones as the BMC.
Wes Welker: Coach Belichick has a tight grip on the New England PR machine so Welker could be done for the season or have stepped in dog doo. It does seem like he might not play week one or maybe he’ll go for 15 receptions and 150 yards. If he doesn’t play Joey Galloway gets a huge boost. Keep an eye on this and get back to me; I don’t want to look.
Michael Vick: Roger Goodell said yesterday that Vick will be eligible to play in week 3 of this season. He then went on to run for a 2-yard touchdown, but was sacked four times, lost a fumble and was intercepted (Vick, not Goodell, Mr. dangling modifier police). I wouldn’t roster him, but I will pay attention to all of the press and pretend like I’m not.
Matt Ryan: His preseason line: 27-36 for 267 yards, 2 TD’s, 0 interceptions and a passer rating of 114.0. I think this guy might turn out to be an ok QB.
Brian Robiskie: It looked good for him to be the Browns #2. Aren’t the majority of #2’s brown? I really don’t need anyone to answer that. Anyway, now it looks like he has fallen as far as #5 on the depth chart and you’d need a depth charge to reach him down there. Mangini is looking to rotate the non-Braylon Edwards receivers which is not good for anybody.
Billy Miller: He was carted off the field last night. There is no official word, but it didn’t look like he was about to hop up and do a jig anytime soon. If Miller is out for any amount of time I’ll be forced to move Shockey up the TE rankings, but I don’t have to like it!