While the Chargers fan in me wanted this Sunday Night Football game to be a lazy Father’s Day gift (a tie!), the football fan in me just wanted to do a bit of scouting on Tony Romo’s new team next season. But it was hard to do either with the most boring first half of a football game in the history of the NFL, since last Thursday. Though drinking games usually help, instead, to match the theme of this weekend, I went with an eating game. If a first down happened, I ate turkey, and if not, ham. Worked out pretty well, I have to say. And don’t get me wrong, there were some positives last night. Al Michaels’ continued sabbatical is one. (Kinda like February in Palm West, because it’s all about an old man drying out.) There was… okay, so there was one positive. Which really wasn’t a positive at all with Cris Collinsworth trying to speak with Roger Goodell’s balls in his mouth. Just remember, the NFL flexed this game because they honestly thought that it would be more entertaining than the Jets and Patriots. Which would have been futile anyways, unless they happened to flex Westworld instead…
Matt Barkley – 28/54, 316 YDS, 5.9 AVG, 3 TD, 2 INT, 72.8 RTG and 2 CAR, 0 YDS. Well, Bears fans will probably think Barkley is a good quarterback, because they seem to have a good one that they’ve ignored for several years, leading to the conclusion that this is why the Bears don’t deserve nice things.
Odell Beckham Jr. – 6 REC, 96 YDS, 16.0 AVG, 2 TD, 41 LONG, 11 TGTS. If Beckham has a bad finger, I think Jason Pierre-Paul has a few lying around he could loan him…
Blake Bortles – 13/26, 126 YDS, 4.8 AVG, 2 TD, 89.6 RTG and 8 CAR, 81 YDS, 10.1 AVG, 27 LONG. Fun Fact: The player referred to as “Blake Bortles” is actually Blaine Gabbert sitting on the shoulders of Mark Sanchez inside an extra long trench coat.
Tom Brady – 30/50, 286 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 2 TD, 89.2 RTG and 3 CAR, -4 YDS. I think someone replaced the sound on this game with a porn soundtrack, it was just nothing but the noise of Brady being sucked off…
Derek Carr – 26/38, 315 YDS, 8.3 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 100.2 RTG and 4 CAR, -13 YDS. The Carr was out of alignment, so they took it into the shop. It’s back on the road, but it’s not handling as one would expect. Keeps veering towards large black cats and running them over…
Isaiah Crowell – 16 CAR, 44 YDS, 2.8 AVG, 9 LONG, 1 FUM and 6 REC, 47 YDS, 7.8 AVG, 13 LONG, 7 TGTS. Do you think ticket prices for Giants and Browns game fell all the way to two dollars or the floor held up at three?
Joe Flacco – 25/36, 234 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 84.7 RTG and 2 CAR, 19 YDS. Do you guys smell that? That’s eliteness in the air
Jared Goff – 20/32, 214 YDS, 6.7 AVG, 3 TD, 1 INT, 100.3 RTG. I can’t believe how good Jared Goff lookedagainst the… *looks and sees that it was against the Saints*…uh, yeah, nevermind.
Rob Gronkowski – 2 TGTS. I like Rob Gronkowski, but I hate the Patriots. I’m assuming that this conflicting thought, upon it’s inception, ripped a small thread into the space-time continuum, thus causing a mini-black hole to form in Gronk’s back, leading him to be injured. It’s legit because it’s science folks.
Todd Gurley – 13 CAR, 50 YDS, 3.8 AVG, 13 LONG, 4 REC, 39 YDS, 9.8 AVG, 31 LONG, 4 TGTS. This year is reaching the point where I’m starting to question if the NFL hasn’t always been terrible and I’m just now noticing it. And I feel like the Rams are a huge part of this somehow.
Hunter Henry – 2 REC, 20 YDS, 10.0 AVG, 1 TD, 12 LONG, 3 TGTS. Anyone calling him Hunter Hearst Henry yet? I feel like there’s a lot of fun to be had with that.
Jeremy Hill – 12 CAR, 21 YDS, 1.8 AVG, 7 LONG and 6 REC, 61 YDS, 10.2 AVG, 24 LONG, 6 TGTS. So… still puts up the same kinds of numbers with literally no one named Giovani in the nearby vicinity other then that one pizza joint. SMH.
Jordan Howard – 18 CAR, 84 YDS, 4.7 AVG, 22 LONG and 3 REC, 43 YDS, 14.3 AVG, 23 LONG, 5 TGTS. If I owned Jordan Howard, I would have broken something when he dropped that easy touchdown pass. Then again, if I had owned Jordan Howard, I wouldn’t have been surprised.
Rashad Jennings – 15 CAR, 55 YDS, 3.7 AVG, 11 LONG and 2 REC, 4 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 4 LONG, 2 TGTS. I’m pleased to announce, that because of Rashad Jennings, I’ve become a pretty big fan of vodka shots.
Colin Kaepernick – 29/46, 296 YDS, 6.4 AVG, 3 TD, 1 INT, 94.1 RTG and 10 CAR, 113 YDS, 11.3 AVG, 30 LONG. I haven’t seen Colin Kaepernick’s effort come up this short since he said he didn’t vote in the election…
Cam Newton – 14/29, 246 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 86.3 RTG and 3 CAR, 6 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 1 TD, 3 LONG. I feel like Riverboat Ron fell off the boat a bit this year… along with his team.
Brock Osweiler – 22/37, 246 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 3 INT, 45.6 RTG and 3 CAR, 23 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 1 TD, 21 LONG. Brock Osweiler is the worst investment Houston has made since Enron.
Philip Rivers – 22/30, 242 YDS, 8.1 AVG, 3 TD, 1 INT, 116.3 RTG. Rivers will not be stopped. Bask in his glory.
Lamar Miller – 19 CAR, 57 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 20 LONG and 3 REC, 18 YDS, 6.0 AVG, 11 LONG, 4 TGTS. I’m wise to your tricks Lamar! This is where you and your hype almost convince me that you’re an elite bellcow back, and then you jerk the rug out from under me. I refuse to be fooled again! *Begins writing 2017 hype post on Lamar Miller…*
James White – 4 REC, 22 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 11 LONG, 9 TGTS. “Intended for White” also sounds like a very apt description of the Patriots receiving personnel.
Russell Wilson – 17/33, 151 YDS, 4.6 AVG, 2 INT, 38.8 RTG and 8 CAR, 80 YDS, 10.0 AVG, 17 LONG (6 SACKS, 33 YDS). Apparently the Seahawks have saved 50% in cap on their offensive line by switching to turnstiles. (Time for Tehol to start drinking heavily I think.)
Jameis Winston – 21/28, 220 YDS, 7.9 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 106.2 RTG and 5 CAR, 12 YDS, 2.4 AVG. The weekly interception challenge accepted… Jameis is always the one to place balls where they don’t belong…
Final Thought
We replaced all the Bears receiver’s hands with slabs of t-bone steaks. Did anyone notice?
