Super-Bowl-XLIX-Large

The long wait is over friends. Yes, we had plenty of time to talk ad nauseum about deflated balls, and truth be told, I’m quite relieved despite having a bounty of “ball” jokes being lined up so nicely for the last two weeks. I’ve come to realize that I can make d*ck and balls (and fart, if needed) jokes all day long, I don’t need the 24/7 news cycle and Super Bowl click-bait on “deflate-ghazi” to do this. What a revelation! You’d think it was a revelation of some sorts to some people that the amount of collective time spent on balls, deflated or otherwise, really does show how competent the NFL is with issues that no one should really give a sh*t about. If only Ray Rice punched a deflated ball, something could be gleaned from this! Other highlights during this wait included Marshawn Lynch just barely avoiding fines by doing the very least on Media Day, and Richard Sherman contemplating what to do if his child is born later today. Yet barely any mention of Aaron Hernandez’s murder trial. Priorities people. Priorities. But hey, in the end, football is back for what is essentially the biggest sports event of the year, so sit back, enjoy whatever fried foods and alcohol is in front of you, and if we’re lucky, this game will be marginally more entertaining than last year’s. So hopefully past the midway point of the first quarter…

 

Drinking Game

Take a sip if…

Tom Brady acts like a total b*tch when someone touches him.

– Pete Carroll acts like a douche. Take a baby sip.

– there’s a Bud Light commercial. Good luck.

– Russell Wilson bullsh*ts his way out of a sack.

– You notice the extra “L” in Luke Willson’s name.

– The 12th man is mentioned, even though they’re playing 1,400 miles away from Seattle.

– There is any Apple commercial shot on an entirely white background.

Finish your drink if…

– They show a time-lapse of the stadium retracting the grass field.

– NBC mentions either the Olympics or soccer.

– Someone mentions Aaron Hernandez.

– Bill Belichick shows an emotion.

 

Totally Legitmate Game Prediction

Patriots – 3

Seahawks – 2

 
 

  1. Sebastian says:
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    What do I do when the pats cheat?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      I didn’t want people to die of alcohol poisoning…

  2. Crapshoot Kershaw says:
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    you left out “drink whole keg when carroll loses game by self for trying to show how clever he really is”. And later (postgame), “drink fine wine off the navel of somebody you love” when he attempts to talk his way out of it by saying “NE set up in a run D, so we passed” Wow, with a top power back (arguably 1st best), and top 5 or better running game why run at all if the D sets up in a run scheme. I don’t think any sane person would suggest Lynch gets stopped there more than 1 in 10 times.

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