I was watching NFL Network Sunday morning and a commercial came on that made me double take:

That’s right, there’s a curved erection epidemic running rampant in America! This advertisement created more questions than answers. First, what are the scientific qualifications for a shaft to earn the “diseased” label? Are we talking right angles or a bit more obtuse? Is there a special penis protractor to measure the exact angles? And what’s the treatment plan for this condition? You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. But I am curious, who was this Peyronie guy? Whoever he was, thanks to him, the family name will forever go down as the crooked erection guys. The point is, no matter how terrible your fantasy football team was this season, things could be worse. You could be watching targeted erectile deformity ads on Sunday mornings. Even if you just got done searching Amazon for a penis protractor, at least the curved dong disease wasn’t named after you. And there’s always next year! So let’s all zip up our pants and shift our attention over to my early 2020 top 100 dynasty football PPR rankings which will be released into your veins–arm veins– via four-part slow drip: 

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Welcome to Stat-o-Matic where we will look at some advanced stats around the NFL. As a disclaimer, I am using this space to play around with some numbers and present some interesting findings. But, by no means is this validated or predictive data. I hope that it will lead to meaningful discoveries or it could inspire you to go down your own rabbit hole. We’re going to explore together, crunch some numbers and see what pops out. Stats courtesy of PlayerProfiler.com.

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A quick google search tells me there’s only three predators capable of killing a Jaguar. The first is the anaconda—that big ass snake from the Jon Voight movie. The second is the caiman—these little gator looking guys in Mexico and South America. And the third, of course, is Derrick Henry—which makes sense because he looks a lot like a Predator. In week 13 last year, Henry took 17 carries for 238 yards and 4 touchdowns. I remember that game well because I was required to attend a 2.5 hour holiday lights trolley tour on that Thursday night which, to my surprise, turned out to be much more pleasant than watching Derrick Henry destroy my fantasy hopes and dreams before the week even started. Fast forward around 12 months, if you were playing against The Predator this week then I hope you also had a long Sunday afternoon holiday light trolley tour to attend. Henry rumbled for 159 yards on 19 carries plus another 16 yards on 1 reception and 2 touchdowns—he has 10 touchdowns on the season and is now under protest by PETA for his crimes against Jaguars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:

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With the fantasy playoffs just around the corner, our teams need to stay healthy enough for when we get into the single elimination weeks. Obviously, we have no control over the health of our players, but we do have control over how we react to the news, and how quickly we can adapt and make changes.

Let’s talk about some of the biggest names in the league who landed on the injury report this week.

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If you were to ask 15 fantasy football “experts” who you should start between Brian Hill and Bo Scarbrough, all 15 of those analysts wouldn’t have hesitated in saying Hill. Every single one of them. That’s just how it shakes out in the wonderful world of football fantasies.

Bo Scarborough was signed yesterday by the Lions from the practice squad only to lead the backfield with 14 carries 55 yards and a rushing touchdown. 3.9 YPC isn’t impressive at all, but how the hell were we supposed to know Bo Scarbrough would be a lead back. I’m actually surprised that he wasn’t on a roster after a pretty nice college career at Alabama. 

Brian Hill, on the other hand, was in a smash spot against the Carolina Panthers who have struggled exponentially against the run. Brian Hill ran the ball 15 times for 30 yards and had a touchdown called back because of a holding call. The hardest pill to swallow was that it was such a positive game script for the Falcons. They led the entire game. I guess sometimes the chalkiest calls end up being too chalky. Here is what else I saw in the early slate. 

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Few people know why the Packers are called “Cheeseheads.” It’s tradition: the worst Packer performer from the previous week is bestowed with a chunk of stinky Limburger cheese which is stuffed into the bottom of their helmet for the following game. In week 9, Aaron Jones took 8 carries for 30 yards and hauled in 1 catch for -1 yards. Needless to say, he was Mr. Limburger for their week 10 game against Carolina and their dairy boy tracked down an extra stinky piece of cheese for this contest. This wedge of stank carried such a putrid scent that the Panthers defense gave the Packer running back a little extra space to roam on Sunday afternoon. Aaron Jones took full advantage, rumbling for 93 yards and 3 touchdowns on 13 carries—he now has an impressive 14 touchdowns on the season. Rest of Season Player Rater has him listed as RB#10 and I’d even bump him a couple spots higher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:    

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It’s week 10 of the fantasy football season. After you get done reading this and ask your questions, get all of your housework done because we have 10 hours of great football ahead of us. Well, hopefully. During the early games, the Bears and the Lions will face off in a last ditch effort to keep their seasons alive. The Browns will host Buffalo and try to save face. There are reports that there could be some high winds in that one so keep that in mind when you are setting your DFS and season-long lineups. Patrick Mahomes is back, folks! Patrick Mahomes will make his return against the Tennessee Titans. Our shoot out this week comes in Tampa Bay and a matchup between Jameis Winston and Kyler Murray. There should plenty of fantasy points to go around in that one. 

In the late afternoon, the Panthers face off in Lambeau with Kyle Allen getting another chance to keep the Panthers in the playoff race. The Rams will try and keep themselves in the division race against the surging Pittsburgh Steelers. On Sunday night, Kirk Cousins will try and turn around his historic primetime stench with the Vikings traveling to Dallas to take on the Cowboys. Let’s get to the injuries followed by updated rankings.

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It’s a well known fact: Ezekiel Elliott has an insatiable appetite. The star running back has been begging anyone and everyone to feed him since all the way back to Pop Warner, but the hunger has never subsided. This past September the Cowboys finally broke down and gave Zeke a little grocery money of his own. But the Dallas RB hasn’t been able to locate the Whole Foods Market in his neighborhood and continues to ask for handouts. Fortunately, his best bud Dak Prescott (21/27 for 239 yards, 5 carries for 30 yards and 2 touchdowns) continues to be charitable, feeding Zeke the pigskin 22 times for 111 yards plus another 6 thru the air for 36 more yards and his 6th touchdown as the Cowboys trounced the Eagles on Sunday night. Watch those fingers Dak! Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football: 

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As we get deeper into the season, more and more players are landing on their team’s injury report. However, with more and more teams also having their bye weeks, players are getting extra time to recover.

A bunch of wideouts have landed on the injury report this week, and even more are on the mend, trending towards playing in the coming weeks.

Let’s talk about some of the players who landed on the injury report this week.

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