I Scream, You Stream, Week 7: Ty Goes to a Runner

by: MB

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Welcome to the Razzball Streamer article. I’m going to keep the intro short tonight as I prepare for my debut podcast appearance with my fellow Razzballians. We will talk about football, West World and perhaps even the debate, so be on the look out for that to come out. We have had quite the week of running back injuries, surprise bye week torn ACLs, and other really weird stuff. So we have plenty of streaming options which makes my job easy. So let’s get right to it!

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Razzball’s AFC North Fantasy Preview

by: Mike Honcho

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What’s up fans of American Football!? It’s your good buddy Honcho back to walk you through the AFC North. Yuck. That was my first reaction when I was assigned this division. I mean, can you think of four teams that deserve each other more than this group of franchise swapping, Super Bowl gloating, bad chili pushing tough-guy wannabees? Yeah, me either. This division is tough to love. I mean truly it is. But I’m here to give you the tour so let’s proceed.

Our first objective is to identify the participants. Let’s start with the Cleveland Browns. Okay, cool. So you’re feeling good about the NBA season, but guess what LeBron’s not under center…..And that’s probably a bad thing. They hired a baseball analytics specialist to ruin – errrrr I mean run things. The Dodgers thought so little of him they ran him out-of-town. What could possibly go wrong? So here’s the thing…I think they’re on the right track, accumulating draft picks and athletes – but this isn’t the year. Heading south, but still staying in Ohio we find the Cincinnati Bengals who have a better than average team, but just can’t win a playoff game. They’ll give it another shot this season and will probably challenge the Steelers for the top spot in the division. Speaking of the Steelers….Is there a more insufferable fan base in football? I’ve been to Pittsburgh more than a few times and you know what? Every Steelers’ fan looks the same. How is that possible? The jorts say it’s summer, the tucked in jersey says it’s football season, but the waistline says you gave up a long time ago. Ha! Just kidding Pittsburgh, I love your city! Mostly due to Primanti Brothers but hey, gotta start somewhere, right? This year you’re the team to beat in the North. Don’t mess this up. Finally we have the Ravens. Flacco’s back. That’s good. They signed Trent Richardson and then proceeded to release him shortly after. He didn’t even stick around to try Ray-Ray’s famous “Deer-Antler” spray. That was rude. Anyway, the Ravens are staring 8-8 right in the face, but if any team can luck box their way into the playoffs it’s this bunch.

So, with all that said the fantasy relevant information awaits. Per usual, I’ll list the teams in order of predicted finish. Here we go!

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Waiver Wired, Week 14: Heeeeeeere’s Johnny!

December 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football | 19 Comments

by: Andrew Nordmeier

The Internet nearly broke this week when the Cleveland Browns announced they were going to start rookie Johnny Manziel at quarterback… or so we think. It looks like Brian Hoyer might be sent to the bench to give the Browns a spark, according to published reports. But is he worth it from a fantasy standpoint? We’ll examine that and more as we take a dive into the waiver wire. There are three or four weeks left in your fantasy season, so this is the time to make the solid moves that will get you into the playoffs. So, what about Manziel? Yes, he was a change of pace for the Browns, as he rushed for a touchdown last week, but let’s see why you don’t want him. Tight end Jordan Cameron is questionable for this week after missing his last five games with concussion symptoms. Miles Austin is still hospitalized after taking a hit to his lower back and hurting his kidneys. Andrew Hawkins is the best receiving threat the team has right now that’s healthy. Yes, Josh Gordon is there too, but I would want to see how Manziel works with all of his weapons before seeing how much he impacts fantasy values on Lake Erie. The Browns finish the season with Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Carolina in Week 16 and Baltimore in Week 17. The chances are there for Manziel to throw it a bunch and get the all-important rushing yardage as well with a pair of weak rush defenses during the fantasy playoffs. Dare we say it, Manziel could be a nice play down the stretch if you want a quarterback with a good situation that you can pick up now.

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The Stats Machine, Week 12: The(on) Gray Joy

November 22, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 47 Comments

by: malamoney

Perhaps more recently known as Reek, Theon Greyjoy is the heir of Lord Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands in the ever popular Game of Thrones saga. At the age of nine, he was left as a hostage by his father with the House of Stark as a condition of surrender. Despite being a hostage, Theon was treated well by they Starks, and he a Robb Stark became best friends. Depicted in the HBO series as an arrogant and narcissistic person on the outside, Theon is actually weak, insecure, and unsure of himself. After turning on Robb Stark when he was sent home to Pyke to seek an alliance with Balon Greyjoy, through a series of events, life for Theon took a drastic turn. He unknowingly attempted to seduce his own sister, was rejected by his birth father, seized Winterfell, was betrayed by his own men, and eventually found himself the tortured prisoner of Roose Bolton’s bastard son, Ramsay Snow, who cut off his manhood (literally), renamed him Reek, and turned him into his own human pet.

But now on to some legitimate Gray joy…

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Who Are These Guys, Week 12: Colors

November 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 30 Comments

by: malamoney

Robert Selden Duvall has had a role in countless films that have helped me enjoyingly pass the time over the last 30-something years. Most will remember him for his role as Tom Hagen in The Godfather and The Godfather II, but few will know that he actually won the Oscar for Best Actor playing country western singer Mac Sledge in Tender Mercies in 1983. Heck, I’ve never even heard of that movie. When it comes to good old Bobby Duvall, I am more of a Days of Thunder kind of guy. “You can drive through it Cole!” Damn, that’s a great flick. It’s like Top Gun with race cars. But it’s not the movie I’d like to mention today. In 1988, Duvall and Sean Penn teamed up to play cops in the C.R.A.S.H unit that patrols East L.A.. Duvall, as Bob “Uncle Bob” Hudges, a 19-year LAPD veteran, is partnered with rookie Danny “Pacman” McGavin as the two work to keep the peace in East L.A. by trying to keep the street gangs in line. The film tells us the tale of these two police officers and their approach to dealing the Bloods and the Crips.

Colors was an outstanding movie, but it is not the reason this post is entitled “Colors”. That reason would be thanks to Jonas “Gray” and Alfred “Blue”, whose colorful names lead a cast of relatively unknowns, or I should say “unowneds”, to come together as a team that combined for 191.04 points and would have easily beaten any other lineup in Yahoo! half point head-to-head leagues.

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Cardinals Have League’s Best Record, World Nearing End

November 17, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 90 Comments

by: Jay

Well, that was certainly a Sunday worth remembering. Especially if you’re like me and reset the ole’ memory banks with copious amounts of bourbon throughout the day. You could say these Sunday notes aren’t just for you, but also myself… So here we are, together in this. And together, we saw some interesting things… the Bucs, the 1-8 Bucs (in case you were confused) destroyed Washington. For context, the Falcons destroyed the Bucs. And the Panthers almost beat the Falcons. So according to that, the Panthers would probably beat Washington by 200 points. In fact, with the Raiders only mustering 200 yards of total offense, I’m pretty sure if they faced off against Washington, both teams would find a way to lose. And let’s not forget the Lions having a throwback game to the Matt Millen Era. Peyton Manning thinking it’s the month of January (to be fair, the weather has me convinced of this.) Mark Sanchez returning to form. And then there’s this… the Cardinals are now 9-1. They are now three games ahead of Seattle and San Francisco, and one has to naturally wonder, how is this possible? My answer? Two quick touchdowns and leaning on your defense for three hours… this has been done before many times. So I’m just going to go ahead and write the Cardinals in as a playoff team. In permanent marker. And then prepare myself for the end of the world.

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Hit it or Quit it, Week 11: Whoa Here She Comes, She’s a Maneater

November 11, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 41 Comments

by: Jennifer

Well, well, well, here we are again my lovelies, trudging on into Week 11 of the 2014 Fantasy Football season. As we near the playoffs, one thing is certain, our hooptied rosters are still plugging along like the good jalopies they are, and the Dominatrix-style punishments we endure week after week are nearing an end. Thankfully, unlike that Dominatrix, some of you don’t have to pay for this punishment, but unfortunately, there is no safe word. So take it like the good sex slaves you are. On another note, the Fantasy Gods have been generous with yours truly this past week, as I managed to squeeze out a solid 4-2 with my teams. Hell, even the stalker living in the bushes outside of my house has started to watch me sleeping through my window at night again. Ah, yes, all feels right with the universe. It is probably because I am completely and utterly satiated on the man souls my “Black Widow Curse” claimed this past week. Hey, Hall and Oates warned you… “watch out boys, she’ll chew you up.” All this time I have been fighting it, but in reality, giving in and embracing it for all of its man-soul chewing glory satisfies me more than any piece of chocolate, depraved sexual fantasy of Jordan Cameron ever has. So, as we march ever onward, follow me, my lovelies, into Week 11’s episode of Hit it or Quit it.

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Patriots the Best Team? Or the Bestest Team?

November 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 67 Comments

by: Jay

I mean, you do have the Arizona Cardinals with the best record in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins suddenly look like they can be competent for certain stretches of time. One of those times including a game against my Chargers. Both the Colts and Eagles (depending on Nick Foles’ status) seem competent enough to being contenders. Even the Steelers have figured a few things out behind Ben Roethlisberger treating the last two games like he met them in a dive bar bathroom. But I think it’s fair to say that the Broncos and Patriots, fulfilling a narrative wet dream on a continual basis, had to have been considered the two best teams. At least until the Patriots destroyed the Broncos yesterday afternoon. While I’m a constant palm-facer when it comes to Peyton Manning’s “cold-weather” narrative, it seems that his “can’t beat the Patriots” narrative may have something to it. Also, there are way too many narratives. Please no more narratives. That being said, despite having their own problems early in the season, the Patriots have seemingly maintained their status as one of the top teams in the NFL, if not the top team. Now that you’ve figured that part out, for the love of god, can you give the ball to Shane Vereen more? Is that too much to ask?

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The Stats Machine, Week 9: Arian Nation

November 1, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 33 Comments

by: malamoney

The Stats Machine and I are still riding our Halloween highs. Pro tip: Don’t get low. Also, TSM would like to point out the following:

Based on average score per game, here are some lesser owned running backs in the top-25 TSM rankings. With an average score of 19.86 Jerick McKinnon is someone that should definitely own.I have him in both of my leagues. He is ranked ahead of the likes of Jamaal Charles (19.61), Eddie Lacy (18.41) and Lamar Miller (18.76). Ronnie Hillman comes in at number 18 with a score of 18.09 and is another guy TSM sees as a potential must own. The way he’s been running the ball and the way Montee “wasn’t running the” Ball makes me think Denver would be crazy to give the job back to Montee Ball-less. Other backs of note include Darren McFadden (17.26), Joique Bell (16.47), Shane Vereen (16.09) and Mark Ingram (15.33).

TSM would like you to keep Anquan Boldin (18.59) in mind when considering trades as a great player to try and get added into a deal. I doubt he’s available in your league, although it looks like he’s owned in only 76% of Yahoo! leagues. Right now he’s ranked ahead of Brandon Marshall (18.11), Roddy White (17.98) and Kelvin Benjamin (16.61). And as usual I’d like to give a shout out to my boy Andrew Hawkins (18.15).

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Smokey Says, Week 9: Ever Meet a 5’7″ Hawk?

October 30, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 8 Comments

by: Smokey

Well, if you have, I am surprised that you weren’t abducted and brought to a quaint little nest just south of Parma… So. here in Week 9, we have come to a guy that I have been trying to save for when the time was right. Andrew Hawkins is the clear cut favorite this week for me in the city of Brown. I am officially make the color and team name singular. Because it’s a color and a dog… I hear you way there in the back smarty pants. Go extinguish your LeBron jersey and become a fan all over again. With Jordan Cameron most likely to miss this week’s game, I ask you this: who else is going to be in the running pattern for human underthrow Brian Hoyer to go to? I am kidding Brian Hoyer, I love you, and you will find out later in two paragraphs patience. Who he will throw to was just discussed, look up, and if you don’t own, or want to take part in the 43% of people who do own Andrew Hawkins, get comfy and stay close to your monitor as I break down the Hawk… and you can put in on the board… YES!

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Who Are These Guys, Week 9: Trick or Treat

October 29, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 37 Comments

by: malamoney

All Hallow’s Eve is nearly upon us, and I hope you have your costume picked out. I’ve got a few late nights ahead of me to finish mine, but I expect to be ready in time. Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year. What’s better than drunk adults wearing costumes acting like children? Honestly, not much. One year I saw a guy dressed as Daniel LaRusso in the shower get punched in the face by a dude wearing a Cobra Kai jersey while he was smoking a cigarette outside a bar. Another time I saw a dude dressed up as the Teen Wolf crushing beer cans with his teeth as he spun a basketball on his fingertips. But I’m not sure anything can top seeing the Ultimate Warrior in a speedo running down the middle of a main street in freezing weather in typical Warrior-like fashion.

How about a few NFL players last week that put on their uniforms and masqueraded about as fantasy studs?

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The “Brandon Marshall: Motivational Speaker” Experiment has Ended

October 27, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 65 Comments

by: Jay

In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

Please, blog, may I have some more?