Hey now! Baba Booey fantasy footballers.

I have been listening to the Howard Stern show for the better part of the last 20-something years, and I can proudly say that the show has shaped my definition of humor. Anyone who thinks that fart jokes or any other expression of toilet humor is not funny is either lying or uptight, and is someone I’d prefer not to associate with unless life dictates that I must. While many of this generation will recognize Stern as a judge on America’s Got Talent, he will forever be known to me as Fartman, and the man that has made me laugh innumerable times. Howard Stern has entertained millions and has paved the professional path for so many ungrateful others. Those that think he is a just a rude and obnoxious disc jockey obviously have no idea who Howard Stern really is. Stern is an intellect. He is honest, original and the deeply opinionated loud mouth voice of many who justifiably describes himself as “The King of All Media”.

But one thing that Howard Stern is not, is a sports fan. He likely knows less about fantasy football than Beetlejuice, or anyone else in the show’s renowned wack pack. Howard would hate fantasy football for the mere fact that it means his staff is not as focused on their jobs as he’d prefer them to be during the NFL season. Howard has taken a ton of criticism with regards to his portrayal of the members of the wack pack. Many will say that he treats them like players that don’t even belong in a league’s player pool, let alone the waiver wire. That couldn’t be further from true. Howard appreciates them for their inability to understand why they are special (funny) and in the real world, and after Robin, Fred, and Gary, they would be his top round picks. However, in the real world, we would never draft our super-deep sleepers anywhere near the early rounds of a draft. If you did, you’d be severely handicapping your team. Or would you?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Look, it’s your fault. You’re playing through to week 17 as your championship. No one put a gun to your head to make it that way. You went into your options, selected weeks 15 through 17 as your playoffs so now you get to talk about backups that no one has talked about all year. Well ok, we’ve talked about Christine Michael in passing. He had a strong preseason for the Seahawks but we all knew the story would end there. Seattle is Beastmode country and we all know it. But what happens if the Seahawks lock up home field advantage through the rest of the NFC playoffs this Sunday? What are they playing for in week 17? I mean, I get that it’s at home and they’ll want to keep that pristine home record intact but are they really gonna roll RW3 and company out there for abuse in a game that doesn’t matter much all day? I’m gonna have to say what my magic 8 ball says when I ask if I’ll become a famous hand model: unlikely…you’ve got a couple of hammer fingers…and why don’t you clean your nails? My Magic 8 Ball gets a bit personal sometimes…but nevermind all that, we’re here to talk about Christine. I have a hard time believing Turbin gets to run the show. He’s still too important for the playoff run to put him out there too much and so in steps Michael. Though it’s hard enough to predict the future in weekly rankings, I’m here trying to predict how a team will do in two weeks and whether or not they’ll even run their starters out on the field so give me some slack if this don’t work, y’all. Given that the Rams are in the bottom five for points against from opposing RBs, Christine is set up for a nice day if he finds the field. And if he goes off, we’ll have to spend the rest of the off-season hearing about him going in the 2nd or 3rd round in 2014. Joy. But let’s finish this show off. Here’s the rest of the ideas I’ve got brewing for week 17 of this crazy 2013 Fantasy Football season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Was there a Fantasy team out there not affected by Snow-pocalypse 2013? No? I didn’t think so. The frozen tundra’s of Green Bay, Philadelphia, Washington, Baltimore and Pittsburgh may have decided whether your playoff dreams were realized or simply melted away like Frosty the Snowman in a greenhouse full of poinsettias. Damn you, Professor Hinkle! We well-informed, stat studying, borderline genius, Fantasy loving Razzballers left standing are headed for the playoffs. Some of us, however, are also carrying a roster that may look like a MASH unit. There was a blizzard of injuries Sunday that left Adrian Peterson, Rob Gronkowski and Reggie Bush owners cracking open the cheap scotch and drowning their sorrows before it was 5 o’clock anywhere. Now that you have pulled your sorry self up off the cool bathroom floor, let’s run down the players that may lead you to Fantasy Football glory and all the accolades that come with it. Namely rubbing it in your league-mates faces for the next 52 weeks. It’s time to jam it or cram it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Alright! Stop what your doing, cuz I’m about to ruin, the image and the style that ya used to. Greetings all! Tis I, a man who has tossed more salads than Chef Emeril, the fabulous Mr. Beddict. Comin at cha live and in full effect, to bring you the heat and inside scoop on the men who will either traject you on to glorious fantasy wins and those of whom will you want to avoid like a she-male Thai hooker with full ownership of every STD on planet earth. We’ve all been there right? No? Just me? Alllllrighty then. I know many of you are saddened by the fact that I’m back after a no-show last week, as you were thanking the Gods that I was finally fired and had hopefully had my nuts clipped in a tragic modeling accident but that’s just not the case. A week off was needed as I traveled to Bangladesh to take every child at the Beddict orphanage in Bangladesh base jumping. Modeling and writing about sports is how I live a luxurious lifestyle, but my real passion is my hobby: taking my Beddict sponsored orphans base jumping. My immense generosity and stunning good looks are not what these posts are about so let’s move on to that shall we?

Please, blog, may I have some more?