When my wife and I first moved in together, she wasn’t really into football but it was my Sunday ritual. The house we lived in wasn’t really big so it was either watch football with me or hang out in the bedroom all day if the weather was crappy. The weather is often crappy during football season around these parts. If you can’t beat ’em join ’em right? But first she needed a team and my favorite team is not great. 

We were watching Monday night football together one time and my Buccaneers were playing the Carolina Panthers. This was the first time she truly enjoyed football and a lot of it was at my expense. She fell in love with Cam Newton. The confidence, the swagger, the first down and touchdown celebrations, the absolute ass kicking that he was putting on the Buccaneers. By the end of the game, she decided that she was a Panthers fan. And she watched them every week from there on out. If the Buccaneers were on in the living room, she turned the game on on the laptop. If there was a story about Luke Kuechly or Jonathan Stewart or whoever, we would talk about it and it was a fun couple of years. Soon enough, the roster changed, Cam couldn’t stay healthy, and she lost interest in football. I think the heartbreak of losing a Super Bowl had a lot to do with it. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bill O’Brien has done it again, my friends! The Houston Texans have traded the 57th overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft to the Los Angeles Rams for Brandin Cooks. When Bill O’Brien inevitably gets banished from the NFL for completely gutting the Texans organization of it’s assets, I hope he doesn’t dip his toes into the financial realm. If he does, promise me that you won’t let him manage your portfolio. The economy is hectic enough as it is in these trying times.

Let’s break this down, shall we? The Texans were coming into the draft with 3 picks in the top 57. This draft holds one of the deepest wide receiver classes in recent memory. After trading DeAndre Hopkins, the top receivers on the Houston roster were Kenny Stills and Will Fuller. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 20:

Time is a flat circle. A circle which begins to look like an octagon after 20 days of solitude in my underground virus bunker. The eight points represent the number of times per hour that I breakdown crying divided how many days I’ve been out of toilet paper. I’ve been spending my days deep in philosophical and metaphysical discussion with my new best friend, a football by the name of Wilstoner. The football’s a real free thinker. On the topic of free thinking, I gave you my top 20 and top 40 dynasty wide receivers for 2020 fantasy football a week or two back. Or maybe it was a month or two back, I don’t even know anymore. This quarantine time octagon has me all mixed up. Anyway, here’s my top 60 dynasty wide receivers for 2020 fantasy football co-authored by Wilstoner the football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Not long ago I threw a bunch of pieces of scrap paper with random letters scribbled on them into my fedora. I then randomly drew fifty letters from the titfer. Next I conducted several ritual sacrifices to the fantasy gods, assembled those fifty illegible letters into twenty-five pairs and selected the first football player who came to mind with matching initials to compile my Top 25 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. And that’s the story of how Kerryon Johnson landed at #18 overall, as the readers pointed and mocked.  Of course, I’m kidding about this process. I don’t own a fedora, it used a baseball cap.

A week later I repeated the same exercise to compose my Top 50 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football which landed Juju Smith-Schuster at #50 overall. And outrage ensued. The angry mob called for Donkey blood. So I quickly handed over my Top 75 and Top 100 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. But those only fueled the riots. “Put the rankings into one easy to view list,” they said. “We don’t need your stupid explanations and jokes,” they said. “You’re the ugliest Donkey we’ve ever seen,” they said.

So I withdrew into solitude for a couple weeks, rosterbating and meditating and then rosterbating more until finally I had another 100 arbitrary player names collated into one easy to read list for the bloodthirsty mob’s viewing pleasures. Anyway, here’s my updated top 200 dynasty rankings for 2020 PPR fantasy football leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Now that I’ve given you my Top 25, Top 50 and Top 75 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football, I’ll elaborate a little more on my general dynasty football philosophy. If you gathered some of the stale bread crumbs I left in the first three segments, you may have understood my philosophy to be one part L. Ron Hubbard, one part Antonio Brown and two parts Gordon Gekko. As the great Gekko once said, “I hate hockey and I don’t like kids.” Hmmm I think that’s the wrong quote from the Book of Gordon Quotes I got for Kwanzaa. That one may have been Gordon Bombay.

But getting back to the Gekko philosophy, I tend to look at my dynasty teams like investment portfolios. I tie my capital up in stable assets with upside—both at the draft and in season. This means I tend to fade the running back position. By nature, running backs aren’t stable due to the physical toll their work takes on the body and their greater dependence on offensive schemes, as well as the supporting cast around them.

Of course you won’t be winning your fantasy championship without at least a couple good RBs, so I focus the back end of my portfolio on a handful of growth or even penny stock backs with a chance to skyrocket into Phillip Lindsay or Raheem Mostert types. All of that said, there isn’t one ‘right way’ to invest. So acquire the players you believe in, build around them, and stay flexible in your views. Anyway, here’s my top 100 for 2020 dynasty football PPR leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Two weeks ago I amused the people with my top 25 for 2020 dynasty football where I wrote about my crooked hard-on for Kerryon Johnson from my cushy American barn. Last week I captivated the audience with my top 50 for 2020 dynasty football where I insulted JuJu Smith-Schuster while vacationing in Madrid. This week I’ll regale the world with my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football, written while stranded in Paris on Jesus’s Birthday. Long story short: the Europeans are on strike. Nobody wants to work, making my holiday travels a challenge. But there’s worse places to get stuck than Paris where Donkey has made the most of it by visiting world renowned Peyronie’s Disease specialists, eating hay crêpes and discovering new football talent; I’ve heard this Cristiano Ronaldo hombre will be a great kicker. Anyway, here’s my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Few people know why the Packers are called “Cheeseheads.” It’s tradition: the worst Packer performer from the previous week is bestowed with a chunk of stinky Limburger cheese which is stuffed into the bottom of their helmet for the following game. In week 9, Aaron Jones took 8 carries for 30 yards and hauled in 1 catch for -1 yards. Needless to say, he was Mr. Limburger for their week 10 game against Carolina and their dairy boy tracked down an extra stinky piece of cheese for this contest. This wedge of stank carried such a putrid scent that the Panthers defense gave the Packer running back a little extra space to roam on Sunday afternoon. Aaron Jones took full advantage, rumbling for 93 yards and 3 touchdowns on 13 carries—he now has an impressive 14 touchdowns on the season. Rest of Season Player Rater has him listed as RB#10 and I’d even bump him a couple spots higher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:    

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It was a very quiet this past Sunday in the NFL injury landscape. There was Jacoby Brissett, or Spicy Brisket, who did injure his knee, and a few other spots, but this week has mostly been a recovery week for stars like Patrick Mahomes, James Conner, T.Y. Hilton, and others. It’s important to keep up with all of the latest injury news and reports, especially as he slowly crawl to Week 14 and the start of the fantasy playoffs.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The so-called “toilet bowl” was… actually pretty exciting.

The fashion in which the Dolphins lost to the Redskins last week was absolutely hilarious. The poor guys played their hearts out in what may have been their lone realistic shot to win a game all season long and actually put themselves in a position to come from behind and tie up the game.

And then they came literally nowhere close to converting the game-winning opportunity as opposed to forcing OT. Oh well. Such is life for a Miami Dolphin. Why they’re continuing to roll with Ryan Fitzpatrick is an entirely different discussion.

The other thing that came out of this game was a fantastic performance from Terry McLaurin, a name featured in a good amount of winning daily fantasy lineups despite his questionable availability heading into the game. Hopefully, we’ll be able to find the Scary Terry’s of Week 7 in this week’s DFS Guide.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A clash of the top two NFL quarterbacks in total pass attempts and two offenses that rank in the top 10 of receiving yards per game. We are set for a treat in the early slate this Sunday, when the Los Angeles Rams make the cross country trip to the A-T-L to face the dirty birds- the Atlanta Falcons. Matt Ryan leads the NFL in pass attempts with 258, followed by the visiting team QB Jared Goff with 246. Let the fantasy fireworks commence….

Please, blog, may I have some more?