Greetings! I’ve just now pulled myself out of the filthy pit of wretchedness that losses from MY Seattle Seahawks and MY Buffalo Bills placed me in. Well, them and the mass quantities of drugs and alcohol partnered with 12,000 calories of ribs, cupcakes, and peach cobbler I made for myself and all my guests on Sunday. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s a binger. Anyways, speaking of wretched pits of despair, I’m curious to know how Philadelphia Eagles fans are feeling at this moment in time. Prized free agent running back DeMarco Murray has been useless thanks to an offensive line being treated like Donald Trump, if he were to show his face at a “Mexican Lives Matter” rally. Sam Bradford resembles a teenage girl in shoulder pads and I feel like it’s just a matter of time before he goes down like a Kardashian at a Grammy’s after-party. And big-money free agent Byron Maxwell has been toasted so many times thus far, I believe he’d need to hold the opposition catchless for the remainder of the season in order to receive a positive grade from all the professional scouts out there. Chip Kelly is still looking for “his precious”, a quarterback that can flourish in his system (preferably an agile one), and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to discover it anytime soon being that they’re going up against Darrelle Revis and that vastly improved Jets secondary in Week 3. Maybe some wizard-protected Hobbit is boguarding the secret treasure that Kelly has seemingly lost in 2015, but unless he’s able to see invisible beings, he just may be out of luck. Maybe a couple extra kale smoothies will fix everything, but this has the look of a total dumpster fire. FIRE EVERYONE!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!