Greetings! Tis I, the fabulous Mr. Beddict, here to review some stats I found downright fascinating from the NFL’s opening weekend. You know me as Razzball’s resident fantasy football and now fantasy baseball champion(is it too early to say that?No), philanthropist, model, escort, and part-time stripper. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that when I’m around, women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. And if there’s another thing I know, it’s how to absolutely dominate in the field of fantasy sports. I’m not one to brag or self promote my but my legend runs deeper than the Mariana Trench. Help me help you in winning your fantasy title this season. Brotherhood of Razzball readers; I’d rather fight beside you than any other site and their millions of peasants. Let no man forget how menacing we are. We are lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond the regular season? Immortality! Take it, it’s yours!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The news hit my twitterfeed like there was a cure for cancer. Arizona trades for Carson Palmer! Finally, Larry Fitzgerald has a real quarterback throwing to him! It’ll be just like old times for Fitzy! And this is much longer than twitter will ever allow for one tweet! It must’ve been broken up over like 5! And I can’t stop using exclamation points!!!…!!! It’s true, the Cardinals finally got their man in Carson to do away with the 3-headed dreck of Stanton, Hoyer and Skelton for the season and it’s also true that Carson will most likely be successful in his stint in the desert. But let’s do like your mother did when you said you’d grow up to marry a Super Model and create a sock that never loses its elasticity: lower your expectations. It’s true that Carson is an upgrade over all those guys – and even Kevin Kolb who’s now with the Bills – but the upgrade that’s still needed hasn’t truly happened. Unless you think being a quarterback in Arizona is linked to the world’s oldest profession, you realize a QB can’t do their job while lying on their back. The Cardinals had either the worst or at least bottom 5 among offensive lines in the NFL last year according to most metrics. Don’t worry, Americans, you don’t have to understand the metric system to get how bad these stats are. The Cardinals line gave up the fourth most sacks (49), had the lowest ‘adjusted line yards’ mark at 2.92 and the team as a whole averaged 3.4 yards per carry on the ground. Those stats are like a surgeon performing a transplant: disheartening. However, the good thing we can say here is the Raiders line was not leaps and bounds better so there’s hope for a reasonable season to come from Carson and from his receiving crew. Just don’t go crazy with the twitter love and exclamation points about it. In other 2013 fantasy football news…

Please, blog, may I have some more?