Have you ever shared custody of a dog with an ex-spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend? Prayfully not, my goodmen, but surely you know some poor sod who takes part in this sad and pathetic lifestyle, someone you look down upon with shame as if they were a lower form of human life. As if they, well, you know, thought sharing a dog with an ex was a solid idea. If you didn’t know someone before, you do now!! ME, Beddict, former Commander and Chief of the Players club, himself, somehow buried in this game like a rotting  casket. How did we (me) get here? There is not enough battery left in my MacBook Air (Lap top in laymen terms), to tell that tale, and thank the Elders for that, but I’ll whack ya with a few deets, just in case you want to get your beak wet…..I don’t even know what that means. 

Anyway, I have five dogs total, two with my ex in Seattle, and three with my last girlfriend in New Orleans. NOLA won’t actually speak to me, either because she despises me, that or she’s being respectful to her strange new emo- King Fiancé. All I know, is that when I stalk her Instagram every night, I NEVER SEE MY BABY JILLIAN!!! I see the other two angels, but little Jillie bean is nowhere in sight…Hmmmm, anyway, I HAD five dogs scattered across the country like dust in the wind, six if you count the dog that was mine that I gave to my Mom 14 years ago. He was so handsome, I say, “WAS,” for he was tragically killed three weeks ago, ON MY BIRTHDAY, ruining my day and in a way, my life. So I suppose we’re back to five, four if Jillian is no longer among the breathing. This led to my first ex sweetly offering to “ALLOW” me to see our two dogs for a week or so, since she felt so awful about Q-ball being run over on my birthday and all. We weren’t on speaking terms so I thought this to be a truly grand gesture of kindness………Alas, life only allows pleasant emotions for short periods of time before ripping them out with rusty machete. One week turned into 10 days, and it also turned out that she was getting married and just had nowhere else to leave the dogs since they’re too old to be left at any kennel. Married to the friend zone king who had stalked her our entire relationship, you know the type. Shit, some of you probably are the type. For me to properly draft the proper amount of ratchetness involved would take the last remaining splinters of my soul, and that, guys/gals, is too much to ask. Even of me. 

What am I going on about? This is a fantasy sports website. But isn’t that why you love (Despise) me? Below are my thoughts on this past week’s NFL games. Take heed!

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I’m bored with reviewing five or six games per week. I feel suffocated, you know? Why keep me tied down to just writing about half of Sunday’s games? It’s my Monday column, why not bring the realness. Like Marky Mark says in The Other Guys, “I’m a peacock, you gotta let me fly!” I want to go position by position and see how it flows.

So what are two fun categories to correctly identify each? Well, ‘Stars’ is easy. It’s clear and to the point. What could possibly categorize something so blind-siding and awful that it sucks the life right out of your fantasy team that stays with the astrology theme? There has to be something that’s, let’s say, related to the misery of being a Raiders fan. There literally can’t be anything worse. I’ve got it. Black holes. Now that we have that covered, let’s start with quarterbacks…

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Finally Election Day is upon us! And I know exactly what you’re thinking: Donkey, how can I vote Marquez Valdes-Scantling onto my fantasy team when 7 different commercials just exposed him as the rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen he is? 

Fortunately for Marquez, his only opposition is Chief Geronimo Allison who’s also a rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen. Geronimo also happens to fund terrorism and will miss at least 6 weeks due to core surgery. MVS is yet another in a long line of rookie wide receivers I’m recommending. He has a top QB and a clear path to targets; mark him down as a must-add in all leagues and call him a WR3 for the time being. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

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As we mark the halfway point of the NFL season, many fantasy football outlets are performing mid-year reviews. While reflecting on early season analysis can be beneficial, I know you are more concerned about who to start this week for your starter that is on bye and what is going on with the multiple backfield injuries. This is what I am here to give you…

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Four straight weeks of double-digit fantasy points has David Njoku trending upwards in the top TE pecking order. He was a limited participant on Wednesday which leads me to believe that he’ll be playing (and eating) this weekend. His opponent, the Steelers, have allowed double-digit points to TEs for 5 straight weeks and Njoku will make that 6 despite only catching 3 passes for 13 yards in week 1 against the Steelers. It’s a whole njew Njoku in week 8! My take: Will play, start him.

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There are some very exciting rookies who are going to have an opportunity to make an impact in week 7. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you have already heard the name Nick Chubb uttered in the last 24 hours. I saw a tweet yesterday asking “Chubb or Gore ROS?”, some of your league mates may still be sleeping on Chubb so check your waivers. I posted about Chubb in week 3, hopefully anybody that was reeling for a RB stashed him. Let’s take a look at some other running back situations heading into this week, and be sure to check out our tools to see where Chubb falls for the ROS.

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The heart of bye season is upon us. Packers, Raiders, Seahawks and Steelers are all on bye this week. Chargers, Cowboys, Falcons, and Titans next week. Melvin Gordon owners, next week might be your opportunity to pick up your handcuff– Austin Ekeler. Your league-mates are scrambling to plug in holes and valuable assets are hitting the wire. I’ll keep my soap box brief this week since I wrote about this previously, just keep an eye on your leagues transaction report to see if you can find any loot.

I promised you names and we have plenty to give you for week 7. Enjoy!

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Matt Breida, RB, Shoulder: Breida played through this same injury last week and was listed as a limited participant in practice on Wednesday. My take: Will play, start him — he’s good to go. Raheem Mostert? I wouldn’t worry too much about that little guy. I think that was a game dependent outlier performance. Kyle Juszczyk though? I don’t trust anyone with that many consonants in a row. Just seems like witchcraft. 

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We have a London game! It should mean earlier football but instead it is the same time as the other early games but unfortunately the NFL is putting this game at noon as well. We all will have to wait another week to get a bonus 3 and a half hours of football. Speaking of London, apparently the Jaguars becoming London’s official team is closer to becoming a reality according to their ownership. That seems like nothing but a sh*tshow. Jacksonville finally has a competitor to root for and NOW it’s time for this. Khan wants to keep the team based in Jacksonville while playing some or most of their home games at Wembley stadium. Who would want to sign there? That’s taking away a lot of what home field advantage has to offer. Does Blake Bortles really play that much better overseas? But, if we can get more 8:30 games I might not complain that much. 

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My weekly goal is not only to inform you on critical RB pickups and injuries but to help equip you to win your league with my weekly strategy soap box. We are nearing the half way point of the fantasy football regular season and I have another nugget for you. 

Stop gloating about your undefeated or one loss team, no one cares and it does not matter. Regular season win/loss records do not mean anything if you are chasing a championship. If your team is great now it does not gaurantee your team to be great come playoffs. Exhibit A: a league-mate of mine last season went 11-2 and did not win the championship. Mid-season, I suggested he should make a trade to help improve his team for the post season. He felt his team was too good and he did not need to make any changes. He exited the playoffs first round and we all got the last laugh. 

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