So yeah, I get it, the title is a bit overused in today’s parlance with the bizarre yet hypnotizing Adult Swim “horror-comedy-90’s sitcom” experience bringing the idiom back into style. Combined with the fact that I’d faint if you told me that this headline hadn’t been used by any other football writer before today when referring to Brandin Cooks (seen above with the 11-yard touchdown)… yeah, that saying’s been here before. But how apt! How meta I say! Because that’s exactly how I felt about last night’s prime time rematch of last year’s Super Bowl (did you know? You’d think they would mention that at least once last night!) that 95% of the Northeast tuned out of in the third quarter. There was some horror, some comedy, and of course Bill Belichek carries the whole 90’s sitcom vibe all by himself… but ultimately, it seemed to be a game that’d we’d all seen before and we were all the worse for it. And sure, while it might have been the Falcon’s gameplan all along, to give the Patriots a 23-point lead only to start a miraculous comeback of their own… problem was, the comeback never came and the Falcons looked about as good in the first three quarters yesterday as they did in the last quarter in the aforementioned Super Bowl. But there was fog! And lots of it! (I can’t find confirmation if it was coming out of Cris Collinsworth’s or Bob Costas’ mouth.) So instead of calling this a Super Bowl rematch, maybe we should call it the “Trent Green Bowl”? Kind of an “NFL’s concept” of what it’s like travelling through Trent Green’s head. You know, minus the purple bears and robot unicorns…

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I believe that karma rules fantasy football. I don’t think there’s any other governing force. Example: in my home league I won last week by .42 points and this week, you freaking know it, I lost by .3. Next week am I going to win by .2? I can’t take the aggravation. Though a win’s a win and all we really need is a playoff spot, right? We all want a bye, but 1-4 isn’t season over. I won that league last year by slipping in as the sixth seed (though I had the most overall points which is why I had the creative team name “Most Points”).

Sad truth is if you are 1-4, you can’t be 1-5; so look at the teams in your league and throw out trade offers for guys going this week (I’m not just telling you, I’m doing it too; got unlucky and staring down 1-5 in a big money league). But we believe in fantasy football karma in the land of AbFAAB and the only way to up that is to spend some money! ($100 Free Agent Auction Budget Dollars we’re playing with; at least that’s what we started the season with.)

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Hello everyone, and welcome to another post in our Razzball Divison Preview series. Today I’m taking a look at the NFC North, which, in my opinion, is one of the most interesting divisions in fantasy this year. There are so many storylines and moves that occurred over the offseason that have made this division incredibly relevant fantasy-wise (not that it hasn’t been in the past though). This could either be a great division, or a frustrating one, but we’ll have to see how it shakes out during the regular season itself. But we can’t wait forever, right? So let’s get started now and talk about these four interesting teams.

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Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor aren’t the only ones getting overpaid to disappoint us this upcoming fall (More on this and much more next week when Tehol graces us with his presence on the Razzblitz podcast).  Jeremy Maclin, who was recently released by the Kansas City Chiefs, has been signed by the Baltimore Ravens to a 2-year deal that will pay him 6 million this upcoming season.  The other team involved in the sweepstakes, the Buffalo Bills, either couldn’t or wouldn’t match.

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Look people, you try to make a pun out of “Ark”… Regardless, it appears that the top AFC teams coming out of the halfway point in the 2016 season are the usual New England Patriots and the… Oakland Raiders…? I honestly wish I knew why this was happening. I… I think the sun is starting to set on where I live, and I mean that in the most figurative way possible, because, you know, daylight savings time. But this is indeed a strange world we live in. The Oakland Raiders, led by the one Carr brother that’s actually not bad, Amari Cooper, and Latavius “I’ll always be 3/4 of an elite back” Murray, have managed to find themselves in first place in the AFC West with an impressive 5-0 record on the road. Because honestly, the only things that do well in Oakland are bails bondsman, and, you know, gentrification. Progress I guess. But wouldn’t it be great if the Raiders could be added that list? As a totally-not-biased-at-all-trust-me Chargers fan (and I’m throwing up a little in my mouth right now typing this), but it’s a shame that the Raiders have a solid chance to have a pretty great year, and it’s being overshadowed with rumors of the team possibly moving. And we’re talking about a post-Los Angeles not being able to be used as leverage timeline that we’re in, and Mark Davis is still able to do this. Maybe they’ll move to a magical place… called Houston. I don’t think there’s a team there… Listen, my life receives no benefit for suggesting such a radical idea as rooting about a specific aspect for a franchise that, at times, was the black eye (literally too!) of the league, but I did it anyways. A Chargers fan speaking kindly of the Raiders? Truly, the end is nigh.

Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 9 Sunday games…

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While many of us wondered why we would ever watch a Colts and Texans Oilers (their momma named ’em the Oilers, so I’m going to call ’em the Oilers) Sunday Night Football game, you have to remember that we all make bad life decisions. I mean, what’s the NLCS anyways? Is that like the LGBT or something? But hey, sometimes the games that you give zero efs about with no one to cheer for turn out great. This was not one of those times, at least not until the fourth quarter where we suddenly found ourselves in overtime (where I immediately said to myself: “sh*t, we’re in overtime”). Since the Texans Oilers aren’t a real team, it probably made a lot of sense there was a fairytale ending (thanks in large part to that amazing catch by Jaelen Strong shown above). On top of that, you might wonder why we’re talking about the Texans Oilers, and I’d like to use it as a fantasy football segue… Week 6 is behind us and at this point, and you should know where you are in the great and very metaphorical fantasy football landscape. Much like how the Texans Oilers, now at 4-2, know that they are a team that is in the hunt for the playoffs, they could use a little bit more help from certain players, and a little bit luck to make their push. I’d like to think that describes a majority of fantasy teams out there right now, minus the whole Brock Osweiler thing. What I’m saying here might even describe fantasy teams that find themselves atop their respective leagues, but unfortunately, probably not the teams that find themselves at the bottom with an 0-6 record. Coming back from such a deficit may not be worth thinking about, so in times like this when you are way behind (something I’m quite familiar with… something we all are), my recommendation is to drink up. I mean, don’t drink too much… motionless and face down is not how I want to see anybody. (There’s a great Bill Cosby joke around here somewhere, but I’ll settle for: I’ll take “Things Darren Sharper has never said” for $1,000 Alex.) But if you’re one of the teams lagging a bit behind, let’s say you are 1-5 or 2-4, and desperate hope combined with dark wizardry are the only vehicles driving your will to play until another fantasy obsession distracts you (granted, Texans Oilers games are technically considered torture porn, if that’s your thing), well, now is the time to do wild stuff. Do some crazy trades, make some risky decisions, just let all your inhibitions go. True, this might be like buying an extra bottle of Centrum Silver to help fight stage four lung cancer, but… you’ve got nothing to lose. And for those of you are in the middle of all this mess? Well then, that’s why Razzball is here. Oh, and if you’re a Colts or Texans Oilers fan, I’d appreciate it if you found some different teams to like…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Welcome everybody to this week’s edition of “I’m Sorry Guys”, our recurring series here at Razzball where I apologize for not being in the comments for last week’s article and for not doing my normal weekly opening paragraph due to major life events. This week, I’ll talk about how I didn’t write the usual lede because I just got engaged this past weekend, and nobody bothered to tell me that planning a wedding is pretty much a second full-time job. How’d I get engaged, you ask? Well, it was a dreary Saturday in Central Park… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this is actually another installment of Deep Impact, and also that nobody cares how I got engaged (that’s pretty rude, Jay, but thanks for responding to the questions last week). Let’s jump right into these names, folks.

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Fantasy Football can be amazing really. One week you’re riding high and the next, you’re losing to somebody who didn’t set a lineup in previous weeks. That’s where Justin Mason found himself in Week 3… “SAD” to quote presidential hopeful Donald Trump. I mean look at this kid; the only thing he dominates is a box of mini donuts, and HE knocked off the league leader after two weeks by the second-largest point differential – after yours truly doubled the score of Andy Singleton. Justin’s fellow Dream Leaguers didn’t hesitate to point out just about a week ago he was lauding how weak the league was, the lack of competition, and his overall dominance. Now he’s back in the pack, trying to rebuild his once proud reputation.

Meanwhile, Sauce celebrates the good times after moving to 3-0 with a strong win over the DFS king himself, Motown Mauler. Stacie had her way with Lord Beddict (something under circumstances different than fantasy football I’m sure he’d be more than alright with) which set up an epic exchange with Ralph Lifshitz for this upcoming week. Pull no punches, Ralph did (a little Yoda impression for you there) in this week’s episode. So much more of what the Polo Rican had to say was left out of the video because the FCC has about 50 rules against his content.

So sit back, getcha popcorn ready, and enjoy the latest installment of the Dream League… The Dwazy Awakens.

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Most would have undoubtedly considered the lineup I am about to throw at you to be ridiculous had I recommended it last week for last week’s matchups. I am certain my readership would have plummeted from fifteen to about five. Even though that’s an eighty percent decrease can I still use the word “plummet” considering how small the numbers are with which we are working? There are more than fifteen people in any of the men’s rooms at any given time at an NFL stadium during a game. Are those my followers? Are you sh!tting me? I love it! While most would have quickly clicked “unsubscribe to malamoney’s posts”, when they read the papers on Monday morning and saw the results, I’m not sure if they would have called me lucky, and lucky idiot, or just an idiot. Probably all three, which is technically the second option. Led by Alex Smith and Theo Riddick, the following lineup would have won just about any matchup in its path…

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Welcome back, my horde, to the first official hit it or quit it for the 2016 season!  Sure, I teased you all a little bit with some of my draft and preseason action, but this is the real thing, baby!  Hopefully, you all made it through week 1 without my “Black Widow Curse” taking out your first round draft picks?  I know I made it unscathed this week.  I think I am finally getting the hang of this thing and embracing the evil that is this curse rather than trying to fight it.  I know a couple of you lost some people, and for that, I wish I could say I was sorry, but I am embracing the evil, remember?  So, at least I can make it up to you some way by maybe giving you some people to target this coming week.  Because, after all, I am not a girl who just takes.  I know the importance of giving as well as receiving, especially if we are going to make this love affair last.  So, without further ado, here you are my loyal creeps, weirdos, perverts, geeks, convicts, inmates and overall degenerates, Hit It or Quit It, Week 2.

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